


Who knows better?

by RiderForEver17



Series: Knowing Better [3]
Category: Alex Rider - Anthony Horowitz
Genre: Aftermath of Violence, Angst, Discussions of Suicide, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Insightful Eagle, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Past Rape/Non-con, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Swearing, Worried Ben, nobody actually commits suicide, overprotective ben
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-17
Updated: 2020-11-18
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:15:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 19
Words: 73,913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25340740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RiderForEver17/pseuds/RiderForEver17
Summary: Third multi-chapter of the series. Set one year after the epilogue scene on “Does he know better?”As you can imagine, lots of challenges awaits our favorite couple. Will their relationship survive yet another intrusion of MI6 in Alex's life? But even that won't be Alex's biggest problem when someone who's supposed to be dead turns out to be very much alive.
Series: Knowing Better [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1813444
Comments: 5
Kudos: 23





	1. I think Ben has a girlfriend

**Author's Note:**

> Remember when I said I had no self-control?  
> I couldn’t resist and had to start posting the next multi-chapter story today.  
> Make sure to buckle up people, because you can expect LOTS of emotions rolling around. I mean, somebody coming back from the dead? And MI6 poking around in Alex’s business again?  
> As you know, I like putting Alex through the ringer, so let’s see how he deals with what’s coming his way now.
> 
> This story takes place exactly a year after the Epilogue in “Does he know better?”.

Alex jogged up the stairs, taking two at a time and reaching Vict’s floor in a hurry. He’d already fished the key the older boy had given him out of his pocket to let himself into the apartment and made it with barely a minute to spare. He wasn’t used to being the one running late and he hoped they wouldn’t miss the movie because of him.

While he'd been getting ready, Ben had tried to call his attention, saying they needed to talk about something important but Alex hadn't had the time. He'd been almost out the door when whatever Ben had been about to say was cut off by the alarm on his phone going off.

"Sorry, tell me later!" he'd yelled halfway down the hall. Whatever Ben wanted to tell him, he was sure it could wait another couple of hours and Alex had a feeling he knew what the older man wanted to say anyway. So no harm done.

With his breathing just slightly heavier, Alex twisted the key inside the lock and walked inside.

The first thing he did was head to the kitchen and gulp down a bottle of water from the fridge to quench his thirst. Then he went looking for Vict.

He didn’t have to wander much, given the place was barely big enough for one. Vict was resting on the bed half holding a book that was about to fall from his chest. Alex smiled. He’d fallen asleep reading.

He took a moment to admire the peaceful expresion on Vict’s handsome face and his eyes lingered over his eyes. He chuckled when the pair of glasses framing his face brought back the memory of a couple of months ago.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

“ _Don't laugh” Vict warned, glaring at Alex over the mirror when the blond couldn’t quite hide the smirk on his face._

_ “I'm not laughing” he defended himself, staring away at the other customers on the optic shop to try and control his expresion. _

_ “Yes, you are” he could tell Vict was having a hard time accepting he needed to wear glasses from now on, but he wasn’t going to miss the opportunity to tease him about it. _

_ “I just don't know why you’re so embarrassed. I think they’re hot” and he did, if he thought beyond the fact that he did look a little bit funny. Obviously, Vict didn’t share his opinion. _

_ “And what  _ I _don’t know is why I need them now” he was almost pouting by now._

_ “Because else the headaches won't go away” Alex answered, turning his attention back to Vict. _

_ “Are you sure I don’t look stupid?” _

_ “ _ Au contraire _. Trust me, you look good” he smiled up at him but Vict’s glare was murderous._

_ “I don't want any name calling, you hear me?” an accusing finger pointed through the mirror. _

_ “ _ Moi _? I would never!” Vict’s glare didn’t falter “Relax, you don't even have to wear them all the time” Vict took the glasses off and signaled the seller to come over._

_ “Only when I read!” he exclaimed outraged and then his tone deflated. “I read a lot” _

_ “Then you have your solution…” _

_ “Don't you dare” _

_ “... stop reading. Movies are better anyway” Alex was sure, if looks could kill, he’d be six feet under already. _

_ “You did not just say that to me” the blond shruged, holding off his answer until they paid for the glasses. _

_ “I just call it like I see it” _

_ “If movies are so much better then how come we never finish one, huh?” one glance at Vict’s smug face and Alex shook a finger at him. _

_ “Oh, no no no. You're not pinning that on me now, I'm not the only one that gets distracted during movies” _

_ “That's because they're not as good as the books” Vict answered, most likely thinking his argument was sound. _

_ “Uh-huh, keep telling yourself that”  _

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Alex walked further into the room and laid face down next to Vict. He closed the opened book and put it aside, resting then the palm of his hand against the sleeping boy's cheek. He stroke the thumb over it a couple of times and pecked him on the other one.

"Hey... I'm here" Vict stirred slowly and snuggled into Alex without opening his eyes.

"Finally" he said around a yawn before deciding to become an octopus and snatch his arm and leg over Alex. The glasses were somewhat knocked off his face so that now they barely covered one eye. Alex laughed, took them off and folded them over the bedside table.

"You know, I do love those glasses" Vict merely buried his face deeper into his side "Come on, we gotta go"

"Mhmmm" was all he got for an answer, but no movement followed the sound.

“We have to go. The movie’s at seven”

“We don’t _have_ to go…”

“You’re not cancelling on me. Now get your ass off the bed or we’re gonna miss it”

“We don’t even know what the movie is about”

“Doesn’t matter” Alex answered, struggling out of the hold Vict had on him “We’re still going”

“Okay, okay. Just give me a minute” 

The blond snorted. “Yeah, more like five” 

Vict rolled his eyes.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

By the time they arrived and parked the car, it was 6:52 p.m. and they still had to buy the tickets. Alex was almost itching inside. He hated not being on time with a passion.

"Relax. We'll just miss the first few minutes, at most" but seeing as he got no response other than another impatient glance down the line of people waiting their turn, Vict tugged on his arm and stole a kiss from him when he turned around "Do you have any idea what Ben wanted to tell you?" Alex recognized a distraction when he saw, or heard, one. He began to shake his head but thought better of it.

"I think Ben has a girlfriend"

"Really?" Vict said around a laugh "That's awesome! I mean... do we think it's awesome or not?" he asked, probably not sure what his reaction should be.

"It would be, I guess"

"What makes you think he has one? Has he said anything?"

"It's not that he's said something. And I won't pry into his business, considering I didn't tell him about you at first, but lately he's way too… distracted, and cheerful. I mean, more than usual. And he's laid off of me a bit, doesn't ask every little detail of my life. And then there's the car..."

"Yeah, I noticed that too. With how little he let's you have it these days I think it'd be better if we buy one ourselves" Alex contemplated that notion for a minute and was surprised to realize that the idea of buying— owning something together didn't bother him at all. He also recognized he wasn't ready to give the idea more than just a thought, no matter how serious or not Vict had been about it.

"That's why I think he's seeing someone" he decided to keep the conversation on track, taking a step forward when the line moved.

"And you're okay with that?"

"Why wouldn't I be? He's the older one. If anything, he was the one having trouble adjusting to you" and oh boy had that been a bumpy ride.

"I think we're getting better" Vict said pensively. Alex thought so too, but he also believed Vict and Ben's relationship could be better. 

The line moved again.

"Come on, come on" the blond urged. He caught Vict smirking at him, no doubt laughing at his impatience.

"Feels like we haven't gone to the movies in forever, right?" the older boy asked, clearly amused by Alex's excitement about their date night.

"We haven't" answered Alex matter of factly before plastering a cheeky smile on his face "I wonder whose fault is that?" he received a shove for his troubles.

"Next!" the cashier said and Alex quickly stepped forward to avoid further damage. He asked for the tickets.

"This movie started five minutes ago" the woman said, as if he needed any reminding.

"We know" she shrugged and sold them the tickets. Vict handed him his share of the fee and off they went. Vict leaned in to whisper when they walked into the movie.

"It's not my fault. I've been busy, you know, _graduating_ " Alex snorted and whispered back.

"Like that's an excuse"

As a matter of fact, it was. Vict had finished his college education barely two weeks ago and graduation had been a week after that. Alex still stared at the pictures from that day every night before bed. It was safe to say that it had been the first important event they'd attended together, beyond Alex's football games on the weekends, though that was almost routine by now.

Even though they never hid their relationship from anybody, Alex had to admit he'd been nervous about it; after all, he hadn't been inmune to the ocasional disaproving glance whenever they went somewhere. Having to wear a suit, probably just for the second time in his life hadn't helped matters either, but once he'd stopped worrying about everything else and focused on how radiant Vict had been and how proud he was of him for making it to graduation after a year full of changes, he'd begun to enjoy himself. Just thinking about it brought a smile to his face and, as they found their seats at the end of a row, Alex took a hold of Vict's hand and settled in to watch the movie.

They had no idea what the plot was about. They'd chosen it because it was the earliest one they could see so they wouldn't arrive home too late. Even though it was the weekend, they liked to enjoy their time together alone at home.

When Alex focused on the screen and the first thing he saw was a man with a sword walking into a cave holding a torch, he thought he might actually enjoy the next couple of hours. He liked medieval movies as much as the next guy. In fact, he preferred them. One of the last movies they'd seen was the latest James Bond film, which Vict had thought amusing enough but Alex couldn't bring himself to think so too.

Despite being the one to insist on going out tonight, Alex had trouble focusing on what was happening on the screen. As the minutes passed by, his attention was diverted to the people around them watching the movie as they were. His eyes couldn't stop following the movement of someone getting up and walking down the aisle stairs, presumably to go to the bathroom. A group of people getting into the room late holding bowls of popcorn. Alex spent more time counting how many people walked in and out of the place than paying attention to the screen. By the time he forced himself to stop being so paranoid, the leading female actress had already been captured by the enemy.

He sighed and rested his head on Vict's shoulder who was completely caught up in the plot.

_ Someday _ , he thought, _someday I'll stop being like this._

All paranoid, and uptight and not feeling safe anywhere but inside his apartment, or Vict's. He knew that his feeling of exposure in big crowds came from his time with MI6 and having to face all those mad men trying to wipe out hundreds of people at once. 

But not all terrorists walked into a place carrying a bomb. A lot of them were wealthy people, known people, thinking themselves better than everyone else. 

And at the same time, not all powerful people dreamed on such a big scale. Some of them were content with ruining just one life for their personal gain. Alex thought about them as terrorists too.

Alex's attention was brought back when he felt Vict tensing beside him. He looked up from where he was resting against him and saw him staring at the screen with a strange expresion on his face. When Alex looked at it, he understood why.

The kidnapped woman was backing away from the bad guy, her clothes half ripped from her showing just barely enough skin to make the film suitable for the big screen. Her expresion was defiant but terrified at the same time.

" _This will not win you the war_ " the woman said.

" _It will win me tonight_ ” the man replied.

Alex sat up straighter when the man advanced on her, his body tense and rigid, his breathing stopped. He looked away when the man grabbed the woman by the arm and ripped yet another piece of the dress she was wearing.

_ Oh God, he’s going to— he’s gonna force— _

_ It's just a movie. Just a movie. It's not real. _

"Alex" Vict whispered to him but the blond shook his head.

"No"

"Let's go"

" _No_ " he jerked his hand back when Vict tugged on it while half way off his seat.

"Alex, come on. You don't need—" but Alex freed his arm and leaned back into the seat, his eyes glued to the screen " _Let's go"_

"Shhh!" someone spat from nearby. Vict sat back down, his attention solely on Alex whose breathing was slightly irregular and leaned closer to speak into his ear.

"We can just go" but the blond ignored him, stubborn and determined to not go anywhere and to not look away.

Alex was dimly aware of Vict crossing his arms and leaning back into his seat as well, his eyes cast downward and away from both Alex and the movie. But the blond couldn't worry about it now, not when someone had decided to broadcast on a freaking movie the worst thing, with a difference, that had ever happened to him. Something he'd gotten over with, mostly, and shouldn't be this affected by, which is why he wasn't going to leave and even though the scene wasn't leaving much to the imagination, it wasn't terribly explicit either. The whole thing didn't last more than a minute and the camera kept moving towards a window while the screen faded to black.

It was over.

Alex let out a relieved sigh when the next scene went back to showing the main character giving a speech, which he wouldn't be able to remember later, and he was able to relax his shoulders. It didn't go unnoticed by the blond that he and Vict didn't hold hands again for the rest of the movie.

But the movie had to end eventually and even though what happened to that character was briefly discussed later, it wasn't the main focus of the film. Alex wasn't sure if he should feel relieved or afronted by that.

Neither of them said anything when the credits started rolling and the lights went back on. Vict was as expresionless as a tomb and Alex couldn’t think of anything to say either. He did clasp a hand at the back of the older boy's shirt when they walked down the stairs and found themselves surounded by the sea of pleople leaving the place, but he let go after they walked out.

Silence followed them while they walked to the car.

Alex wasn’t sure what he was supposed to be feeling right now. He was proud of the way he’d controlled his panic and how the whole episode hadn’t turned into a flashback, but there was something about watching someone go through that, even if he knew it wasn’t real, that left a bitter taste in his mouth. And then there was Vict…

The blond glanced at him and frowned at the angry expression on the other boy’s face. His pace was also angry: fast and determined, like he couldn’t wait to get away from there… or him.

But why would he be acting this way? If anyone had the right to fuss about what they’d just seen, it was him, not Vict. Alex considered asking what was wrong, but he couldn’t bring himself to do so. 

He knew what was wrong. Watching that whole movie after a scene like that was wrong. But he hadn’t looked away, he’d stayed and he should be proud of that. Vict should be proud of that too.

They got into the car.

Alex took his time fastening his seatbelt and getting the car started. He risked a glance at Vict but the other boy was looking out the window, his chin propped on a fist. Alex tsked and sarted the engine, getting out of the parking lot and finding his way out into the street.

The more time it passed without Vict saying anything, the angrier Alex got. He couldn’t believe their evening had been ruined by something as simple as a movie, even when there was nothing simple about what they’d seen.

“I’m not going to apologize” the blond stated, not really sure why he chose those words to break the silence and knowing full well those weren’t the best words to start a conversation. Vict answered without turning to face him.

“Okay”

Alex waited for another reply, something else to make that response less dismissive than it was.

“It was just a movie” he added after a while. This time it worked, though Vict still refused to look anywhere else but out the window.

“We should’ve left” the older boy said.

“Why?”

“You know why” and Alex did know why, he just wasn’t going to admit it.

“I was fine” he said instead. If Vict had been worried about him, then he should be relieved Alex hadn’t felt panicked enough to run.

“But I didn’t want to see that” 

Oh.

So this was about him.

“Then why didn’t you just left?” and Alex honestly didn’t mean it as a jab. Later, though, he would realize how insensitive that comment was.

“Are you serious right now?” Vict spat in surprise, finally turning around to look at him with a dumbfounded expression on his face “You didn’t need to see that either!”

“I shouldn’t have to walk away just because it happened to me too” Alex stated, confident enough that what he was saying was how he actually felt. That was progress, right?

“You’re unbelievable!” Vict threw his hands in the air and Alex couldn’t quite process the fact they were fighting, for real, something they hadn’t done since they met. Not _for real_. Not like right now. But Alex couldn’t concede.

“I’m unbelievable? You’re the one making a fuss about it. It was just a movie. It doesn’t matter” and apparently that was the wrong thing to say, following a series of wrong things said between them after a wrong choice that left them at odds with eachother. 

“It matters to me Alex!” Vict was screaming now, eyes burning into the side of Alex’s head and the blond risked taking his eyes off the road to glare back at him.

“But I’m— _NO!_ ” Alex janked on the steering wheel but the impact was inminent and the crash unavoidable. 

All he was able to see before the car got so violently tossed, was the headlights of the other car right outside the passanger side. 

All he could hear for a while was the sound of screeching metal and breaking glass. He heard horns, lots of them and then felt another impact from _his_ side of the car. The vehicle driving behind them musn’t have been able to stop in time and it collided with them after the first crash had changed the position of their car.

When it all came to a stop, Alex’s vision was swimming and his world was exploding in pain.

Then, finally, silence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... shit hit the fan pretty quickly on this one, right? You can expect the rest of the story to be like that too! 😈
> 
> Important: Unlike the previous stories, this one isn’t finished yet, though I have a lot of chapters written already. So there will come a moment when updates won’t be as frequent as you’re used to because we’re all gonna hit the wall I’ve been stuck at for the past month. Hopefully by then I’ll have gotten past it. The main reason for revisiting the story from the start was to get over the writer’s block after all :)


	2. You knew and you didn’t tell me!?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there again.   
> Be mindful of the tags for this story and I guess I could add a WARNING about the aftermath of the car crash we saw in chapter 1.

When Alex came to, he realized he couldn't have been unconscious for more than a few minutes because: one, he was still inside the car; and two, there was no one trying to get them out. He took his time opening his eyes though, not sure he wanted to be confronted by the sight of the wreckage just yet. He knew how much worse the sight could make his mind believe everything was, so he focused on his other senses to determine how screwed up the situation was. 

As hard as it was to concentrate at the moment, Alex was able to pinpoint every noise he heard, starting with a car alarm blaring endlessly to his right. He could hear ragged breathing and such very smalls moans that it was hard to think he wasn't imagining them, and then he could hear voices in the distance: surprised voices, curious voices. They were still far from him, so he didn't have to worry about them yet. He also thought he could hear a hissing sound which he assumed was coming from the engine of his car— Ben's car. Ben was going to kill him, for sure.

He decided to asses the damage to his body by attempting to move his arms first and was glad to notice they ached but weren't injured, though his troubled shoulder was saying something very different. He didn't pay much attention to it given how often his shoulder complained about the weather. What he did do, was reach for the seatbelt and pull it away from his chest, where he was sure a giant bruise must've been forming right then. His clavicle had taken the worst of the pull from the belt when it locked after the collision. 

He moved his feet and legs slightly, just enough to know that he still had full mobility of them and that no obvious injury flared up. He was fine. Bruised and battered for sure, but fine. It was time to open his eyes, he had something more important to worry about.

He resisted the urge to close them again once he gathered the courage to open his eyes because the world was swimming around him and his stomach was complaining about it. He prayed the nausea wouldn't get the best of him right now.

He finally, finally, decided to turn his head to deal with what he both feared and needed to know the most. Vict.

Alex let out a cuss when his neck screamed and protested the movement, letting him know he'd found the worst of his injuries, but the pain couldn't compare to the spasm his heart made when he saw Vict's body slumped to the side, face deathly pale and covered in blood against the window. When he determined the other boy was passed out ( _please let him just be passed out_ ) he realized the ragged breathing he'd heard before must have been his own.

He reached down to unbuckle himself but growled in desperation when the seatbelt remained clicked in, stuck, not allowing him to move closer to Vict.

Alex's hand then hovered over the unconscious boy's leg, not sure if he should try and shake him awake, risking aggravating any of his injuries. He decided to take a hold of his wirst, the first thing he could reach without having to stretch much and began to feel for a pulse.

"Please, please, please..." no matter how hard he pressed, he couldn't feel anything and, this time, the nausea rolling around in his stomach had nothing to do with vertigo "Vict, come on!" He decided to forego the wrist and go to his neck where he was sure he'd be able to feel for the pulse that would indicate Vict was still alive. Because he had to be, there was no other way. His arm was shaking so badly though, that he wasn't certain he'd feel it even if he found it.

"Hey Kid! Try not to move!" Alex jumped so high in his seat that he was surprised the seatbelt remained stuck as it was. He turned his head so fast towards his window that he couldn't help the scream that got ripped from his lips by the pain of his neck.

There was a man there looking into the wreckage with big round eyes, no doubt surprised by the sight of blood and broken glass mixed together everywhere. He wasn't alone, Alex could now see more people behind them talking into their phones and staring in awe and horror at them.

"An ambulance is on its way!" a woman yelled from a few feet next to the car and the man tried to give Alex a reassuring smile.

"You hear that? Help's on the way"

Alex ignored him and, against everything that told him to stay still and not move his head again, he turned it to the other side, swallowing the curse he needed to let out and focusing once again on Vict.

He needed to know. He simply needed to know.

With his heart beating wildly out of his chest, he brought his hand up and pressed two fingers into the side of Vict's neck trying to still his nerves enough to be able to feel anything, anything that would let him know he was still alive.

It took two different tries (and lots and lots of anguished thouths later) for Alex to feel the beating of Vict's pulse under his fingers and he was so relieved he let out a sob into the night. He was alive.

He must have drifted off at some point, because the next thing he was aware of was opening his eyes to someone trying to call his attention from the window. It wasn't the same man as before but what he asumed to be a rescuer, if the bright uniform was anything to go by.

"Hi. How are you doing in there?" the man, who was talking with a much cheerful voice than what the situation required, didn't give him the time to answer before speaking again "My team and I are working to get you out of there but I'm gonna need you to stay as still as possible while I asses your condition, okay?" why was he talking to him like he was five years old? Alex decided to keep his attention on Vict, who hadn't moved from his position against the door. Alex was about to protest the other uniformed person beginning to open the passanger's side of the car when the man on his window put a hand on his shoulder to call his attention back to him. Alex had to remind himself that those people were there to help them and that they needed to actually get Vict out of the car in order to do so.

With a heavy sigh and a lot of dread, he turned his head again.

"Can you tell me if anything hurts too badly?" Alex blinked and tried to shake the cobwebs from his mind.

"Shoulder. Neck. Head" short and to the point.

"Okay, if you're well enough we're gonna try and move you out of the car. If anything feels wrong at any moment you have to me let me know, alright?"

"Get him out?" Alex said and the man must have understood because he glanced beyond him and then nodded.

"My partner's getting your friend out. We'll take you to the hospital together"

_ Together _ . That was all that mattered to him.

He nodded and the man began to work. His door wasn't jammed, even though a car had hit it, so it opened easily enough. The seatbelt was cut away with a tool and, after checking that Alex's legs weren't compromised, they began the slow process of getting him out.

"I can stand" the blond said when someone came closer to them with a stretcher "I can stand" he repeated, when the man carrying half of his weight looked at him dubiously.

Alex had been right in his assesment: he hadn't been seriously injured by the crash because the brunt of the impact hadn't been taken by _his_ side of the car and the worst of the damage wasn't done to _his_ side. He looked to the side where the rescuers were putting a neck brace on Vict and rolling the portable stretcher closer to him, because he did need to be wheeled out of the scene. He was so hurt, and injured, and pale, and still, _and almost dead and he could still die and he's not waking up_...

"We should be loading you into the ambulance. It's easier if you let us handle it. You just need to relax"

"I'm not going anywhere. I'm waiting for him" Alex stated, standing straighter and taking more of his own weight into himself. The world was still tilting on the edges and his head still hurt, but overall he didn't feel bad. He wasn't the one in need of urgent medical attention, and he'd been worse anyway. This was nothing.

"I realize you must be worried for your friend, but my team is taking good care of him. You'll meet him at the hospital" Alex then turned sharp eyes at him.

"You said we'd be going together"

"Same hospital, different ambulances" despite the pain it brought, Alex shook his head, completely dislodging himself from the man.

"You said we'd go together. I won't leave him alone. I'm fine, I don't need an ambulance for myself. I need to go with him. I have to be there for him, he doesn't have anyone else and I'm fine, I don't need my own ambulance, you have to let me go with him. I have to go with him" it wasn't until he stopped talking that he noticed he hadn't taken the time to breathe and, when he did, the rush of oxygen into his brain brought a wave of dizzines that left him stumbling sideways. The man reached out to steady him and regarded him with narrowed eyes.

"Okay, calm down. Look at me. That's it. I'll see what I can do, okay? But you need to keep breathing and you need to keep calm" the man signaled someone near them to come and keep an eye on him while he ran off somewhere. Alex remained still, breathing heavily into the suddenly cold night, warring himself between looking at the wreckage where they were finally taking Vict out or keeping his eyes as far away from the scene as he could. The flashing lights of the ambulance weren't helping keep his headache at bay, so he decided to stare down at the floor instead. It wasn't until minutes later that he realized he was shaking.

Some time later the man that had helped him out of the car was back, exchanging rapid words with his partner that Alex wasn't quick enough to catch all.

"...bulance...we can do...shock...eye on...make sure...okay"

"Come on" someone said, putting a hand on his back and guiding him forward "You'll be riding together"

Together... that was all that mattered to him. Alex had the brief feeling that it wasn't the first time he thought that.

The ride on the ambulance was a bit of a blur. He remembered the paramedic making him sit at the far end of the ambulance and him not wanting to look at the stretcher where Vict lay with the neck brace on and a good amount of gauze covering his head wound. Alex wasn't queasy when it came to blood, but he was queasy enough about the sight of blood on _him_.

At some point the man started asking questions that he was suddenly too distracted to respond correctly.

"What's your name?" he asked, but Alex was caught up in between staring at Vict and wanting to look away after he accidentally glanced at his bloody face "Hey..." the man called again, waving a hand in front of his eyes. Alex mumbled something "Victor? Your name's Victor?" the blond frowned.

"No. Is he gonna be okay?" it was the man's turn to frown.

"We've done everything we can for him here. So your name isn't Victor?" Alex finally tore his eyes away and found the next best interesting thing, the paramedic.

"Yes... I mean, no. He's Victor" 

"Okay. Why don't you let me take a look at you? Make sure everything's alright?" the man suggested.

"I'm fine" Alex answered distractedly.

"I can see that, but just to make sure" he then proceeded to grab a pen light and guide the blond's face to look at him. He first moved the pen in front of his face without the light on and Alex had no trouble following the movement with his eyes, but as soon as the light was turned on and flashed repetedly over his eyes, he got dissoriented again and he had to spend part of the ride with his eyes closed afterwards. 

The paramedic wanted to do a basic check up, measuring his blood preasure and oxygen saturation. He cleaned a cut on his forehead and prodded a tender bruise on his cheek. He also wanted to check for injuries like broken ribs, though Alex was sure he refused. He didn't want another person's hands touching anything other than was strictly necessary. And this time it wasn't necessary.

"Looks like you don't have anything broken. You're very lucky" _when did he...?_ Alex decided he was too tired to keep thinking about it. In fact, he began to feel so tired he decided not to open his eyes again until they arrived at the hospital.

Somehow, after God knows how long, Alex found himself sitting in an emergency room, one he wasn't familiar with, which was saying something considering it was him, and the paramedic was talking to him.

"I have to go now, but you'll wait here for someone to call you. What was your name again?"

"Alex" the man looked relieved at finally getting an answer.

"Alex. Do you have a last name to go with that?" 

"Ri-uhmm... Daniels"

"Good. You're not as urgent as your friend so you'll have to wait a bit. He's already inside though" Alex nodded and stared at the man as he went by the desk and talked to a nurse.

While he was sitting there, Alex had time to collect his thoughts and try to regain his composure. He wasn't exactly injured, so it shouldn't be so difficult.

He began to organize his thoughts by rewinding the events of the previous hour— hours? Until he remembered the moments before the crash. Before seeing that pair of headlights heading straight to them and literally turning his world upside down, he remembered how angry he was by the way Vict was reacting to the movie they'd seen. He must've gotten so distracted with the fight that he stopped paying attention to his surroundings. He must've missed a red light for the cars to collide like they did.

Alex sucked in a breath after the realization. 

He caused the crash. 

By being so distracted and fighting, _fighting_ , with Vict, the other boy was in the emergency room and he had no idea how hurt he was or if he was going to survive the accident or not. And they'd been fighting for such a stupid movie! 

He fisted a hand in his hair and squeezed his eyes shut to try and control his rolling emotions, guilt being the most cutting of them all. Guilt and worry. He needed to know how Vict was doing. It had been a long time since they'd arrived at the hospital, right? At least a couple of hours. _What time is it? How long has it been?_

In reality, it hadn't been that long, but Alex's mind was struggling with keeping a straight thought line and what felt like hours was actually no more than 30 minutes.

At some point he thought weird that no one had come to ask him anything. Had the paramedic filled the nurses in about his condition, his name and the circumstances of his arrival? What if they were waiting for the police to show up because he had caused a car crash? Then a thought struck him so fast it left him almost retching. 

What about the other car? Had anyone else been hurt? Killed?

What if he killed someone? The police would want to investigate the accident, he'd be blamed for missing a red light. He could go to jail for this. People could've died. Vict—

"Alex?" someone called and he was so lost in his own troubled thoughts that he wasn't aware of the fact he knew that voice. He _knew_ it, but it wasn't until he looked up that his brain made the connection and linked the voice with the face staring worriedly at him from a few feet to his right. Alex froze. It wasn't a voice he'd thought he'd hear ever again and it wasn't a face he'd thought he'd see. Ever. Again. It was imposible. He was hallucinating for sure. The paramedic was wrong, he needed to be admitted inmediately. He was seeing things. He was seeing dead people "Alex, thank God you're okay" 

When the person took a step towards him, he shut off from his seat, holding out his arms to the side to regain his balance once he was sure he wouldn't fall to the floor. The person in front of him looked at him with something resembling sympathy, or pity.

"I-Ian?" Alex stuttered, not having used that word in a really long time and finding it bittersweet to use now "You— you're..." he took a step back when Ian, his uncle, his _dead_ uncle, moved closer to him.

"I know this is hard, but right now I'm more concerned about you. Are you okay?" Alex was speechless. What were you supposed to say to your dead relative when he turns out to be not so dead anymore? If he even was here at all and wasn't just an image conjured up by a probably concussed and guilt ridden brain "Why haven't you been admited yet? I called not long ago" _what?_ How would he know? Why would he call? "I'm gonna go talk to someone. Don't worry, they'll see you soon"

Alex wasn't worried, at least not about himself. Not physically. He was fine. But he was sure he was turning crazy and needed to be seen by a psychiatrist because he was seeing his dead uncle head to the nurses's station of the emergency room and pull something out of his pocket that looked dangerously close to an official ID. The blond was transfixed, staring into the distance until someone else called his name and all he could think about was how _not_ ready he was to deal with anyone else unless it was someone who was going to tell him how Vict was doing. But it wasn't. It was Ben.

"Alex, there you are!" he exclaimed, running the distance between them and taking a hold of Alex's chin so he could inspect the damage, and he wasn't thinking about the cut and bruise standing out on his face. He was more worried about the unfocussed eyes and the heavy breathing "Al, what happened?"

Something clicked then and Alex turned just to make sure Ian was still there, alive, talking to the nurses before he clasped Ben's arm and spoke with a broken and rushed speech.

"Ben. He's... Vict— I don't know... Ian? He's not— it's not... the crash. My fault and he's here. There? I don't—"

"Slow down, slow down. What's going on?" but another voice answered instead.

"I think he needs medical attention. He didn't come out of the crash unscathed" it was Ian, who had come back from the nurses station. The change in Alex's demeanor was inmediate. His eyes went impossibly glassier and his brow was furrowed as if the mere act of thinking brought him pain. Ben swore.

"Damn it! I told you to wait before seeing him" he hissed angrily, and he would've continued berating the man in front of him if Alex hadn't gone rigid in front of him and looked sharply up at him. His eyes still unfocussed but wild.

"You knew?" the blond asked, confused at first because he just didn't understand "You knew!?" he took a step back.

"Alex, I—"

"You knew and you didn't tell me? How could—? Why would—? He's not dead and you knew!?" It was the most coherent he'd sounded so far, and the brief flash of clarity brought with it the need to put some space between them. He took a few steps away from Ben. 

"Alex, calm down. Let me explain" he tried to reach for him, but Alex wasn't having it.

"No!"

"Enough, Alex. You're making a scene" Ian said but the blond answered right back at him.

"And you, you just show up here. _Here_. And you're... you're not..." he was gasping by now, unable to process the situation and breathe at the same time. 

It was just too much. 

Ian stepped closer to him but he wasn't expecting the blond's reaction 

"Get away from me!" 

He could tell Ben recognized the signs of one of Alex's panic attacks and he went to put himself between Alex and Ian, intent on bringing the situation under control. But when he put a hand on Alex's shoulder, the blond exploded.

"Don't touch me!" Ben recoiled his hand as of he'd been burned.

"Alex—" but Alex wasn't listening anymore. He couldn't hear anything past the roar in his ears that told him he'd been lied to by everyone about the single most important event of his life.

_ Betrayal, betraya _ l.

"Shut up, shut up, just shut up!"

He didn't think he'd said that out loud, but suddenly everyone was staring at him and a male nurse walked in from behind him, wanting to put an end to the upsetting scene. Big mistake.

When he felt another hand on his shoulder, this time from behind, Alex shouted and jumped in surprise. He decided to search for the nearest wall and put his back to it, unable to deal with the closeness of the people around him anymore. So many people had already touched him so much that day... 

He didn't realize he was sliding down to the floor until he saw yet another person reaching for him. And he couldn't, he just couldn't... 

By the time the he reached the floor, he had already passed out.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 

Ben stared livid after Alex when he was wheeled beyond the doors of the emergency room on a stretcher. 

After he'd passed out, they’d been able to get near him and Ian had flashed a Government ID and asked everyone to keep what they'd seen to themselves.

_ Ian _ ...

Ben was so angry it was a good thing they were already at the hospital, because people could get seriously injured very, very soon. He turned to Ian with a accusing finger jabbing into the other man's chest.

"I told you to wait. We talked about this and you agreed!" he made sure to keep the volume of his voice controlled, but he didn't take any ounce of hatred from it.

"That was before he was involved in a crash and ended up here" Ian said calmly "I told you this could happen. I needed to speak with him sooner rather than later. It’s best for him"

" _I_ know what's best for him right now" 

"Please, don't be afronted by this. I'm just trying to keep him safe, as I'm sure you are"

"Keep him safe? You have no idea what that means! Sometimes he needs to be kept safe from _himself_ " Ben stated, fuming inside. This man had no idea how to deal with Alex.

"What do you mean?"

"You should've listened to me. He's depressive and fucking traumatized. He's a suicide risk for christ sake!" now that seemed to leave the other man speechless for a second “He doesn’t deal with emotional things very well”

"I know what's happened to him" he simply stated, as if knowing about it gave him the right to waltz into Alex's life without fear of the emotional consequences.

"Reading about it and living with it are two very different things" Ben had no doubt MI6 must have kept him informed about Alex's life, but if he thought reading a file made up for anything, he had another thing coming "You haven't been around for the past six years and you have no idea what living with Alex is like. He's been with me since he was fifteen so now you're gonna let me handle him like I know how to handle him and you're gonna stay away from him until I say otherwise"

Silence settled between them following Ben's heated words. He thought he recognized a flicker of hurt passing through the other man's face but quickly dismissed it. He didn't care if the truth hurt. He meant every single word.

"For now" 

Ian turned around and walked away without saying another word and Ben let out a sigh. He knew he hadn't won the war, since it was barely now starting, but he'd take any victory he could get.

Calming himself down enough to not snap at the next person he talked to, he walked to the nurses' station to get the information that he needed. He already knew Alex was being taken care off, and someone would let him know when there was something to be known. He focused on his next worry.

"I’m looking for Victor Allen?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What? Ian is alive? And Ben knew about it? No wonder Alex had a mental breakdown right then...  
> And things doesn’t seem to be off for a great start for Vict either :/  
> Any thoughts on the early twists of the story?


	3. It takes two people to fight

By this point in his life, Alex had lost count of how many times he'd woken up in a hospital bed. He was 20 years old and he must've been hospitalized at least half that number of times.

So when he opened his eyes to white curtains and beeping machines, he remained calm. Hospitals were controled environments, not dangerous _per se,_ unless you count the reason you end up in them which in his case can cover a wide expanse of scenarios. 

The lastest one: having a panic attack because he'd been blindsided by the fact his uncle was alive and his brother knew about it. 

_ Ian... _

_ Ben. Ben and Ian. _

_ Vict. Focus on Vict. _

He needed to find him.

Alex was dismayed to notice someone had put him on a hospital gown and that he was hooked to an IV, which must have been carrying some kind of pain medication because his neck felt stiff but not painful and his shoulder was hardly a bother. He wanted to take it out.

But seeing as he didn't want to end up on the bad side of whatever nurse came through that curtain next, he decided not to just jank it out and take care of it himself. He wanted to be let go soon so he could go looking for Vict. And talk to Ben. And Ian. Because how could they do something— _Vict. Focus on Vict._

He pressed the call button and waited for someone to appear while he tried to keep all thoughts of Ian and Ben from his mind.

An elderly woman with short black and white hair came to his call and regarded him with such kind eyes it was hard not to smile at her when she praised him for being awake.

"You gave everyone quite the scare out there" she said in a tone that was both scolding and light. Alex chose to ignore the comment.

"Do you know if I have to stay here for long?" he asked instead.

"Young people" the nurse said shaking her head as she came closer to him "Always in a hurry" 

"I need to look for someone. He was in the car accident with me" she checked the IV bag that was already empty, which told him he must have been unconscious for at least two hours.

"Ahhh that boy from box 3" Alex perked up at that.

"Do you know how he is? Is he okay?"

"He's stable but has a nasty concussion that one" 

_ He’s hurt. _ Vict was hurt, because of him.

"I need to go see him. Is he awake?"

"He was moved to one of the upper floors because he's being admitted for a 48 hour observation period" Alex really, really wanted to get out of there and go find him.

"But you said he was stable"

"And I also said he has a nasty concussion. Worse than yours" _I don't have..._

"I don't have a concussion" he stated the first thing that came to his mind.

"Really? Try standing up on one leg and say the alphabet backwards. I didn't mean right now!" the woman exclaimed scandalized when Alex went to get up from the bed "I was joking. Now, get back on that bed"

"But I need to go see him" he got the feeling he sounded like a broken record, but he didn't care.

"You will, you will" she said with a placating manner "Once you're checked by the doctor and I assume the police will want to talk to you" Alex's stomach sank. _I caused the crash. It was my fault._ He swallowed.

"Police?"

"They were asking questions a while ago. I guess they'll want to get a statement, though I haven't seen them for a while" 

"But—"

"Ah! Finally I got away from the man in box 5" a doctor said suddenly upon walking through the curtain "Alex, right? Car accident, complaints of neck, head and shoulder pain, unconsciousness due to stress?" 

Stress, right.

"Umm, yeah" 

"Alright, let's take a look at this" 

Again, Alex bit his tongue and just went with it. The sooner he was done here, the sooner he could go to Vict.

The man was very methodic about his examination, asking questions here and there to complement his assesments. Alex specially had a hard time agreeing to take off the top part of the light blue gown he was wearing so the man could manipulate his shoulder.

_ He's just a doctor. Just a doctor _ .

"There seems to be some swelling of the tendon but some painkillers and lots of ice should take care of that" the man signaled for him to put the gown back up "Your neck though... I'm gonna give you another dose of this and the same painkillers for your shoulder should work on it too. I think the headache has more to do with the tension in your neck muscles than with a concussion but try not to hit your head again for a while. You need to avoid extenuating activities for the next couple of weeks but, overall, I think you were lucky. You're in pretty good shape" 

Yeah, that was him, the luckiest person in the world.

"So can I leave?"

"I don't see why you shouldn't. Is there someone out there we can call for you?"

"No" he answered, though he knew from experience that Ben was never too far away when he was hurt. He just felt like he couldn't deal with that particular situation right now. 

"Oh! There's that handsome man on the waiting room asking about you every five minutes" 

"Martha..." the doctor laughed shaking his head "You're a lost cause, really" the woman, Martha, turned to Alex.

"He's your brother right? He and that other man were making quite the scene earlier too" Alex's heart quickened at that. So it hadn't been his imagination, something he was still praying was the explanation for what he remembered.

"Can I go now?" he asked again, impatiently.

"I'll give you the medication and then you're free to go"

Alex refused the nurse's help to change back into his clothes, though bending down to put on his shoes made spikes dig painfully into his brain. His shirt was dirty and had some bloodstains on it but he didn't care. He needed to move.

They made him sign a release form and then shoved him through the doors back to the waiting room of the ER. The place was so full that Alex was sure they were glad to get rid of him.

Alex scanned the crowd nervously looking out for either Ben, Ian or the police. Out of the three, he was more worried about the police wanting to take him in before he was able to see Vict. 

He needed to get out of there.

He would've liked to use the stairs and save himself the time it would take for the elevator to arrive, but even when he hadn't been seriously hurt in the crash, he was sore and his pounding head wouldn't appreciate the excercise. The moment the doors opened he stepped inside and made sure to hide behind the other occupants of the elevator in case someone was looking for him. The doors dinged closed and Alex let out a relieved sigh.

It was hard not to feel like a fugitive when all he wanted to do was get away from his own brother, keep a look out for his uncle (his not so dead anymore uncle) and the police.

Alex liked to think he was a good person, with a complicated and shady past, yes, but a good person none the less, so he wasn't actually going to run away from the police if they came to arrest him. He just wanted to make sure they didn't do it before he was certain that Vict was going to be okay.

It took some time and a lot of persuation on his part for people to guide him through the different hospital floors until they told him where Vict was. They'd given him a room of his own and even though he'd insisted they were as close as one could get, no one gave him any detailed information about his condition. He'd just have to wait and see.

He wasn't proud of the amount of time it took him to gather the courage to enter the room once he found it. There were so many scenarios that could be waiting for him. Vict could still be unconscious, hooked up to a ventilator and hanging on by a thread. Or he could be awake but have serious repercussions after his head injury. He could even be completely fine but so angry at him that he'd scream at him to leave him alone forever, that he never brought anything but heartache and pain into his life.

Alex steeled his nerves. It was time to know, and however things might go, he just needed to know.

He opened the door slowly and went inside. His heart stopped when the first thing he saw was the terrifying bruise on Vict's forehead.

There was a row of stitches covering a thin line just above his temple and some other scratches on his face and arms. The thing that stood out the most though, was the fact that he was awake.

"Alex!" Vict was half sitting on the propped up bed, but as soon as he closed the door behind him, the older boy sat up straighter "They wouldn't tell me anything about you. Are you okay?" he sounded genuinly concerned, not angry, not like before. He also didn't look as bad as Alex had imagined. He nodded as he shyfully approached the bed.

"I'm fine" he answered, lingering a few feet away from the bed.

"What are you doing? Get over here..." Vict beconed him over and Alex had no other choice but to comply, seeing as the other boy was scooting over to give him room to sit on the bed. Alex sat down but remained silent, he didn't know what to say "What is it?" Vict asked.

Alex stared at him for a few seconds before answering, shaking his head to get rid of the images rolling around in his mind: the wreckage, the blood, the car. Vict unconscious, Ian alive...

"How are you?" he asked. The older boy shrugged.

"Sore, I guess. And my head hurts a lot. They say I can't sleep for more than an hour straight for the time being, so that's gonna be a challenge" it made sense, Alex thought, if Vict had such a nasty concussion that they'd want to monitor it as closely as possible, but having to wake him up every hour to make sure he didn't slip into a coma wasn't exactly fun "I'm better off than the last time I went to the hospital though" and Alex knew all about that time. Even if the memory of that day wasn't a pleasant one, the fact that Vict compared his injuries with those and still thought those were worse meant a great deal of relief for Alex.

The blond then put a hand on Vict's shoulder and leaned forward to hug him. When he felt Vict's arms surround him as well, he almost felt like weeping.

"I'm sorry" and if only he'd started their previous conversation that way, there might have been no fight and therefore no accident "I'm so sorry, I wasn't paying attention and I was so stupid for being angry and now you're hurt because of it. I'm sorry" he confessed into the other boy's shoulder. Vict ended the embrace and held Alex at arm’s lenght, regarding him with a serious expression.

"The crash wasn't your fault Alex" but the blond shook his head.

"I was driving, I missed a red light" Vict frowned.

"Hasn't the police talked to you?" it was Alex's turn to frown "One of them was here not long ago. I think he was a detective? He said the other car rammed into us. You didn't miss any red light. Our light was green, that much I remember" the blond was sure he shouldn't feel relieved about it but he did.

"Do you remember everything?" because maybe he didn't and that's why he didn't seem angry right now. He must have shown his doubts on his face because Vict softened his expression and ran his fingers through the hair at the back of Alex's head.

"It takes two people to fight, Al. It would've been my fault too"

"I'm still sorry"

"Me too" Vict tugged on his arm until their lips met softly, once, twice, three times and then they rested their foreheads together "Are you sure you're okay?" the older boy asked. Alex felt compelled to tell the truth.

"My neck's a little stiff but I'm fine. _I_ can sleep all night if I want to" and right then he'd give anything to always be able to banter with Vict the way they always did. 

"Ouch" the older boy said, faking hurt and clutching a hand at his chest.

"I'll stay with you though" Alex added unnecessarily, he wouldn't leave the hospital until Vict did too and the other boy knew it.

"You don't have to, you should rest too"

"I'll rest here"

"Okay" he didn't put much of a fight and Alex chuckled because Vict looked more than relieved at not having to spend the next two days alone.

Vict then rested his head forward on Alex's shoulder and the blond carded his fingers carefuly through his hair. He must've had one hell of a headache if his concussion was so bad he couldn't sleep much for now. Alex's neck was protesting the movement of his arm and so was his shoulder but he'd be damned if he put his comfort above Vict's. Vict was all that mattered to him right now.

But a knock on the door had the two boys sitting straitghter and Alex didn't miss the fact Vict flinched when he moved back, bringing a hand to his side. Was he hurt more than he was letting on?

"I figured you'd be here" Ben's voice reached him from the doorway and Alex's reaction was instantanous. All other thoughts left his mind to be replaced with warning bells spiking up is own headache. His back stiffened and his eyes darkened so much that Vict frowned at him before greeting the newcomer.

"Hi Ben" he said. Alex remained quiet and with his back to the door. He dropped his eyes to his lap and bit his tongue. He didn't know what to say. He didn't know what to think. And he didn't know how to act when the one person he could always turn to for anything was the same person he wanted to avoid. His brain and his heart were short circuiting and he didn't know how to handle that.

"They didn't have apple juice" Ben stated, probably walking further into the room though Alex wasn't going to turn around and check. 

"Bummer” Vict must have been awake for a while if he and Ben had already been talking before he showed up. Alex began playing with the hem of the sheets.

"Everything alright Al?" Ben asked and what sort of question was that? Couldn't he see that everything was not alright? That Vict was hurt and Ian was alive and he had lied and there was a crash and they'd fought and everything was so not okay!

Instead of saying any of that, Alex looked up briefly at Vict's questioning eyes, no doubt puzzled by the blond's strange behavior and he thought about answering, he really did think about turning around and facing the problem right then, but then the feeling of betrayal hit home again when he remembered Ben's words from earlier: _I told you to wait before seeing him_. Ben had known. He had known something as important as his uncle being alive and he'd never said anything. He'd betrayed him. He couldn't handle a betraying Ben, he just couldn't.

So he merely shook his head before hiding it on Vict's shoulder, reversing their roles from a few seconds ago. He put his arms around the other boy's back and just prayed silently for Ben to leave, just _leave_ so he could be able to think again, be able to breathe again without the oppresive presence of his brother ( _not_ brother) by his side.

Vict hugged him back, not before Alex felt him signaling Ben, probably saying that he had no idea what the heck was going on, which he didn't.

"I guess I'll wait outside"

"I'm staying here" Alex surprised even himself when his muffled voice reached his ears. Vict squeezed him harder. There was a pause and then Ben sighed audibly.

"Then I'll come back tomorrow with some clothes and something decent to eat for you both. You let me know if you need me" he said, apparently directing his words at Vict because the other boy began to nod.

"We will. Thanks Ben"

Alex waited until he heard the door clicking shut before dislodging himself from his hiding place. He took in a huge gulp of air while he tried to make his brain understand that this wasn't the right time to burst into tears. There was never a right time to be bursting into tears.

"Wanna tell what was that all about?" Alex shook his head.

"Not really" Vict ducked his head and grabbed Alex's chin to tilt his head up.

"Al..." Alex glanced briefly at him but averted his eyes just as quickly.

"I just don't want to talk to him right now" he confessed, feeling smaller than a little kid right now and a hundred times more vulnerable. Usually he was comfortable being vulnerable in front of Vict, if that made any sense at all seeing as Alex didn't like to feel vulnerable ever. In fact, beeing able to strip himself naked both figuratively and literally in front of him was the base of their relationship, what allowed them to be together. But this was something he found he couldn't share with the other boy simply because the other boy didn't know anything about his past. His real past. It was as simple and as complicated as that.

"Is it about the car?" he must've interpreted Alex's silence as an affirmative because he kept talking "Ben has to be the most dedicated brother out there. Anyone who's only known him for a few minutes could already know that he'd do anything for you. He knows the crash wasn't your fault. He won't be mad"

Alex's eyes dampened against his will and his control was severely tested when a tear threatened to spill, but he looked up and away and was able to keep it from falling. Vict had no idea how much his words were rubbing salt in the wound right now. If Ben cared so much about him then _why had he lied?_

Alex gathered his control back and sent a fake smile Vict's way.

"When was the last time someone came check you were still awake?" Vict rolled his eyes at the obvious change of topic but said nothing about it. He reclined back into the bed with a small grimace before finding a comfortable position.

"About half an hour ago" 

"Then you can sleep some before they come again"

"What will you be doing?" Vict asked, playing with the hem of Alex's shirt. The blond shrugged, feeling every one of his aches with the motion.

"Watch you sleep" Vict snorted.

"Creep"

Alex smiled. "I know"

They stared at each other for a while until Vict finally relented and closed his eyes. He didn't have time to actually fall asleep when a nurse came into the room to check on him. They both new the problem wasn't keeping him awake right now, the problem would come later when Vict was actually tired enough to want to sleep for more than one hour straight. 

Time went by funnily inside hospitals. It was always hard to tell the difference between night and day unless you were right next to a clock or next to a window, so he was surprised to notice it was already past midnight, almost one in the morning, when he looked into his phone which had miracolously survived the crash and still had some battery left. He wasn't surprised though to find himself physically tired but wide awake. He assumed at some point his body would want to just shut down for several hours but until that moment came, he was content with playing with Vict's fingers on his own and staying vigil at his bedside.

Little did he know that whatever peace they were enjoying now wasn't going to last through the night as every time someone had to come in and wake Vict up, the other boy felt more and more restless and his headache spiked up so much he had to be lightly medicated even though the doctor was reluctant about giving a light sedative to a concussed patient. Vict's constant grimace of pain was enough to convince him.

Alex's hand hurt with how hard Vict was squeezing it, his grip so hard he could feel the older boy's rapidly beating pulse through the skin under his thumb. Still, he held on.

By the time morning came, Vict had vomited a total of three times and he'd had to be changed out of his gown at least once when he sweated through it. It was safe to asume Alex hadn't slept through the night either.

The reprieve came when the doctor making the morning rounds allowed Vict to sleep for periods of three hours instead of one and Vict was out like a light the moment the woman left the room. 

Even though three hours sounded like heaven after the night they'd had, Alex couln't take advantage of the time as well as Vict was. He slept for maybe an hour before spurting awake with a more than stiff neck. He could barely move it. That's when he remembered he should have been taking the prescribed painkiller, which he hadn't thought of getting the night before.

With a heavy sigh and a heavy body, the blond lifted himself off his seat and limped out of the room. For not having anything wrong with his legs, walking with a stiff neck was proving to be a complete challenge.

He went to the hospital's own pharmacy and asked for the medication. He was glad his wallet had been safely inside his jean pocket and had been recovered from the crash along with him. He didn't want to have to call Ben for help right now.

As it was, he didn't know how he was going to face the older man now, or if he was ready to do so.

But it turned out he didn't have to wait long to find out because Ben was already waiting inside Vict's room. Vict was still sleeping, so Alex considered walking back out and avoiding the confrontation, but Ben beat him to it.

"Alex"

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

"Not now" Ben didn't need to hear Alex's defeated tone to realize he was at the end of his rope.

The bruise on his cheek had blossomed to a deep red-purple color and he had dark bags under his eyes. He was moving stiffly and as he walked closer to the small table next to the bed, Ben saw him taking out a white pill from a small bottle and swallow it carefully. He swallowed the urge to ask about him because he knew what the answer would be, that he was fine.

"How's he doing?" Ben waited for an answer as he watched Alex studying Victor's face. He looked relieved to find him resting apparently peacefully.

"He had a rough night" Alex said, keeping his eyes locked on Victor and away from him.

"Looks like you had a rough night too" he ventured, hoping Alex could see the opening to share what he was feeling. No such luck though.

"I'm okay" 

"Listen, Alex—"

"Not _now_ " he almost snarled and Ben recoiled a bit at the venom behind the words and the hard look thrown his way. 

"We're gonna have to talk about it eventually" he didn't want to insist because he knew how unreasonable his younger brother could get when he was angry, but he needed to make Alex understand what was really going on.

"Well, not now" the blond said again, this time signaling with a jerk of his head to the boy on the bed. He was still sleeping but Ben guessed Alex was right, they couldn't risk talking about it in front of Victor. He also knew there was nothing in the world that would make Alex leave the room right now, but Ben was afraid that the longer time went by without an explanation, the harder it would be to gain back Alex's trust, something he'd worked so hard at getting and wouldn't let Ian's sudden reappearance screw up.

Ben understood he needed to respect Alex's space to process in order to do that.

"Fine. I brought you something so you can get changed and some of your loosest clothes for Vict. If they let him, I think he'll be more comfortable in them"

"Thanks" Alex answered somewhat dismissively.

"Have you eaten breakfast?" 

"Not yet" Alex said, arching his eyebrows at him as if challenging him to say something about it. Ben didn't know what to say and didn't like traveling through uncharted waters when it came to Alex. He decided to be blunt.

"I'm gonna go, but you and I are gonna talk about things once he's released tomorrow, do you hear me?" he just hoped he wasn't making everything worse by it.

"Sure" the blond replied with a shrug as he started rummaging through the bag he had brought.

Ben felt a wave of anger at Alex's seemingly uninterested tone. After all, him getting blamed for Ian was as unfair as it could get, but he needed to remember that Alex's tone was only a testament of how bad the blond was handling things and that if there was anyone to blame, it certainly wasn't Alex. 

Ben sighed and held back the instinct of reaching out with a hand to put it on Alex's shoulder. He was sure the blond wouldn't take kindly to that. He decided to go.

"Just make sure you rest some too. You look like death warmed over and you're not helping him any if you can't stay on your feet" at least he got a nod of confirmation that the message had been received. How much of it had actually gone through, he wasn't quite sure.

He left Alex sitting on a chair with his back to the door and his hand holding Victor's. The former spy and military man could use to his advantage the fact he knew where Alex was going to be for the next 48 hours. He had people to talk to and a crisis to solve. He wasn't going to leave any stone unturned when it came to protecting his younger brother's life and emotional stability. That was his number one priority after all.

When his phone rang and he saw the name displayed on the screen, he sighed in relief. He could use some help and more people on his front right now. He hit the answer button.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can I just say that having Alex and Ben at odds with eachother just absolutely breaks my heart?


	4. Whatever you want, the answer is no

"No reading, no TV, no bright lights, no phone, no excercise, no sudden movements, no shouting, no noises... is there anything you _can_ do?" Alex asked, reading the list of instructions the doctor had given them while Vict changed out of his clothes by the bed. Vict had been released from the hospital on the condition he took his recovery seriously and followed their instructions to the letter.

"Sleep... and eat" the older boy answered once he managed to put on one of his oldest t-shirts. Alex noticed how carefully he was moving, as if the simple act of lifting his arms hurt. He didn't comment on it though.

"Great, I got myself a baby" he joked instead, preferring to see the light spark in Vict's eyes as opposed to seeing them roll annoyingly at his asking for the hundredth time if he was alright. 

"And for free too!" the blond chuckled, getting up from where he was sitting on the bed to change into some of Vict's clothes too.

Alex didn't have much on him when they left the hospital and he refused to go home to look for some of his clothes. He needed at least one good night of rest and sleep before he was ready to face Ben and whatever the hell was going on with him and his uncle. 

He'd asked Vict if he could stay with him for a few days and the older boy had readily agreed, not without telling him that he had to man up and talk to his brother sooner rather than later. If only it was just about the car...

When they were about to leave the hospital on the taxi cab they’d called, Ben had approached him again but Alex had been cold and unyielding. They would not talk about it within a mile radious from Vict. The older man had remained quiet since then, not even calling to check if they'd made it home okay.

"How long do you have to follow these?" Alex asked once he'd changed and waving the white paper in his hand.

"4 to 5 days. Longer if the pain doesn't go away" Vict answered "I guess it's a good thing I don't start working at the garage until next month" he added, laying down on his side of the bed with a satisfied sigh. When exactly did they start having sides on the bed was unclear to Alex. His was the right side, closest to the door. Vict grabbed his phone and a few minutes later Alex joined him on the bed. He made a face at the fact Vict was using his phone against doctor's orders but then noticed what was on the screen.

"We've just been in a car accident and you're looking for motorbikes? You do know those are way more dangerous, right?" Vict smiled.

"What I do know is that we're going to need a new way of transportation. Your brother's car has been unavailable for a while now, more so now after this" he said signaling to their various cuts and bruises "I was thinking we could get one. They're cheaper, smaller, easier to park, you name it. So what do you think?" he showed Alex the few models he'd been researching and the blond thought about it long and deep. Somehow, if he'd had any reservations with the idea a few days ago, now he could only feel excited about it.

"I'm in" he answered with the most sincere smile he'd given in the past couple of days. As always, it never took Vict too long to give one back.

Alex moved closer to him and reached with a hand to bring Vict's face closer to his. He pecked him on the lips while they both slowly and painfully moved their bodies to be facing each other.

"How long do you think we'll be in bed rest?" Vict asked when he was able to escape Alex's eager lips.

"Hopefully forever" the blond answered and went back to his task of running a hand through Vict's scalp. The older boy chuckled.

"Okay, who are you and what have you done with my boyfriend?" Alex just went on kissing him. Kissing Vict was the one thing he could do where he didn't have to think so hard about what he was doing, if he was moving right, if Vict was liking it, if he could breathe, if he couldn't... actually not breathing was his goal with it because it meant he was doing it right. It came so natural between them that he could just forget the rest of the world existed. He deepened the kiss almost unknowingly "Alex..." Vixt managed to get out "They said no extenuating activities. For both of us" 

"This isn't extenuating" 

"It will be" the older boy answered but didn't resist Alex's next display of affection. After a while though, when the urge to rub his hips against Vict's became strong enough to actually start doing it, he forced himself to stop with a defeated sigh. He tucked himself deeper into the other boy's chest and pretended that, at least for now, everything was normal and he didn't have to worry about dead relatives coming back to life or living ones lying about it.

He was almost asleep when the doorbell rang. He groaned and bickered on his way up the bed but Vict beat him to it.

"I'll go"

"But your head—"

"Is fine" he finished, pushing Alex back down "It's my place, I'll answer the door" the blond didn't protest again.

He settled back down and brought a knee close to his chest. He was so tired he could sleep for days and Vict's bed was as good a place as any to do so. Better than a hospital chair for sure and it didn't take him long to start drifting off. He didn't even hear Vict opening the front door.

"Alex?" the blond heard his name and startled back into awareness with a groan. One more minute and he would've fallen blissfully asleep, something he hadn't been able to do since the crash. Whoever was at the door had caused Vict to disrupt his much needed rest.

He counted to three before forcing himself off the bed and strolled out the room barefooted as he was. He was so drowsy he didn't even remember he was wearing a t-shirt and his boxers, nothing more.

Thoughts of going back to bed, preferably with Vict by his side, followed him out the bedroom and into the living room where the sight of a man standing at the doorway stopped him in his tracks. It wasn't just any man and the sight of him walking through his boyfriend's front door was so bizarre he was left speechless.

"Rider, we need to talk" 

Alex frowned, incapable of doing anything else while he regarded Crawley with a distrustful look. Suddenly he felt exposed, no longer safe in the safest place on earth for him right now. His attention was snaped back by Vict closing the front door and walking to stand closer to him.

"He's with the police. Says it's important" the older boy supplied, apparently not phased by the fact Alex had been adressed by his birth name. It wasn't news to him, Alex had told him as much as he could about his family but he guessed it still had to be somewhat unsettling to hear. It was certainly unsettling for him.

Alex focused his gaze on the intruder once again, hoping he was conveying with his eyes how much he was silently encouraging him to leave. How dare he show up here? What the hell was going on? First Ian and then this?

"What do you want?" if he sounded rude, he couldn't care enough to hide it.

"We need to talk about the events of two nights ago" Crawley replied, shoulders stiff and hands clasped together behind his back. He must have been sweating under the dark suit he was wearing and the warm summer temperature.

"We were in a car accident, there's nothing else to talk about" Alex felt an elbow digging into his side and he glanced at Vict gesturing at him to not talk to 'the police' that way. He huffed.

"I would still like a few words, in private, if you don't mind" the man said, directing his last words at Vict, but when the older boy was about to agree and go back into his room, Alex latched into his arm. As long as Vict was there, he was saved from whatever Crawley actually wanted to say. Was he trying to recruit him again?

"He minds. And so do I" Vict freed his arm and glanced back and forth between Crawley and the blond. With a confused frown on his face, he managed to put two and two together.

"You're that guy. That man from the store two years ago. You were fighting with him" Alex's heart quickened. Vict couldn't find out about MI6, he couldn't!

"I think you need to leave" Alex said dangerously to the agent but both Vict and Crawley ignored him.

"Who are you exactly?" Vict asked and Alex felt like he was still inside the car when it crashed, except this time he could see it all happening in slow motion. He saw Crawley taking a breath, sighing with annoyance. Who knew what he was going to say?

"John Crawley, Intelligence Secret Service" _shattering glass, pieces raining down on him, noises everywhere, cars crashing..._

"What are you doing?" the blond asked with a horrified whisper.

"We need to talk" 

"Intelligence secret service?" 

"Whatever you want, the answer is no" an emotional turmoil was forming inside him and Vict's words and Crawley's words and his words were getting louder and louder in his mind and hadn't he been clear enough already? 

"I need you to come with me Rider" apparently not.

"Like hell" he answered with clenched teeth. He noticed Vict standing even closer to him, as if lured by his defensive tone. The older boy didn't remain quiet though.

"Can someone please explain to me what's going on?" he sounded annoyed, angry even and Alex didn't miss the frown on his forehead that spoke of a building headache. This had to stop now "And his name is Daniels" he added, which made the tiniest of smiles appear on the blond's face. A smile that didn't last long since Vict turned his inquisitive eyes on him, expecting an answer but when he was about to give one, Crawley interrupted him.

"We've determined at headquarters that the recent extenuating circumstances require our attention" 

"What circumstances?" asked Vict and though Alex didn't want to talk about it now, he found himself blurting out an outraged huff.

" _Extenuating circumstances..._ Oh, you mean my uncle being alive?" 

"Alex, what're you talking about?" Vict jumped in.

"Nothing" he answered by reflex, bringing a hand to his forehead and wishing against all odds that this was all just a dream. A very bad dream "You need to leave" he told Crawley then with a murderous tone and an accusing finger.

"This isn't a matter to be ignored. It's about national security. You need to be protected" the man stated, spiking up Alex's own anger.

Vict was determined not to be left out of the conversation. "Protected from what?" 

"You can take your protection and stuff it where it hurts because I don't want it and I don't need it" he purposefully kept his gaze away from Vict. Things were getting out of control now. He hated not being in control.

"Rider, your protection is—"

"Cairo was for my protection too! Remember? How did that end up?" he finally exploded, not realizing he was reveiling even more information or maybe not caring anymore at this point. He didn't give the man a chance to answer his question "It doesn't matter now. Just go and never come back here. This isn't yours. _I'm_ not yours"

"You need to consider this carefuly. You're not the only one involved" he said, glancing at Vict who, Alex was dismayed to notice, had taken a few steps away from him. 

"You didn't have to tell him, he's never been a part of this" _this isn't happening, it isn't happening._

"Yet the attack was made on the both of you. If you would just consider—"

"Attack? What are—" Vict jumped in but Crawley answered before he could finish his question. Alex's anger flared up by the man's dismissive treatment of his boyfriend, whom he'd involved in the conversation in the first place.

"The crash wasn't a hit and run. You were targeted" that brought Alex's racing thoughts to a stop. Not again, he thought. The part of his life where he had enemies left and right trying to kill him was supposed to be over.

"By who?" he asked.

"Like I said, it's a matter of national security, something better discussed elsewhere. You'd both be safer if you came with me" Alex snorted. That was so not happening.

"Like Jack?" he said. Suddenly it felt like it was yesterday when Blunt was telling him he was sending him away to deal with the threat against him and that Jack was volunteering to go with him. He couldn't have history repeating itself. 

His comment was completely ignored though and a tense silence settled between the three of them arranged into a triangle of sorts as they were. Then Crawley broke it with a voice as monotone and robotic as his whole self.

"It isn't every day that MI6 makes a civilian a top priority. I suggest you accept our help until the threat is sorted"

"I've never been your top priority, I was your top secret" that brought on silence to the conversation once again. He was dying to ask the one thing that had been eating away at him for the past two days, but he knew he couldn't make himself seem desperate for information on his uncle, even though he was, if he didn't want to give MI6 any kind of leverage on him. At least that much he'd learned.

He regarded Crawley with as much a composed expression as he could and spat out his next words.

"I thought I made myself clear years ago: I don't want anything to do with you. Now go, before you keep finding ways to ruin my life" he braced himself for an argument, for the man to keep insisting they had to go with him, he even expected him to call reinforcements and force them to go, but the MI6 agent barely nodded his head and spoke one last time before leaving.

"Remember this was your decision Rider" Alex hurried forward to close the door after him, fumbling with the keys hanging next to it to lock it. Even with the man gone, he couldn't shake the feeling of uncertainty making him weak on the knees. His carefuly controlled safe environment kept being shaken up by unpredicted and uncontrollable events, and he felt as if the walls were closing in on him.

He turned around to face the most dangerous of them all.

"What the hell was that?" Vict asked, not even trying to hide his anger.

"Nothing. It was nothing" hoping the other boy would just drop the matter was more than wishful thinking. He started pacing.

"Alex, that was the Intelligence Secret Service. Don't tell me it's nothing. What do they have to do with you? What's that about your uncle being alive? And the crash?" but he kept up his pacing rhythm, not knowing how to answer any of those questions without causing a catastrophe in his life and wishing they could just go back to 15 minutes ago when they were in bed, happy together and away from everything that could possibly take that happiness away because MI6 always finds a way to ruin him, they always ruin everything! "Alex!"

"Alright! Alright..." he ran a hand through his hair and took a deep breath "I was involved with them a long time ago, when I was fourteen. My uncle worked for them until he died. They... they recruited me after that"

"Recruited as in...?"

"As in making me work for them too" he finished. 

A beat of silence, then...

"When you were fourteen" Vict repeated pensively "You're telling me the government made you work for them when you were fourteen"

"Yes"

"And that you actually did"

"Yes"

"And somehow the crash had something to do with that?"

"Apparently, yes"

"Has anything you've ever told me been true?" Alex froze, his heart racing a mile a second and feeling as if a bucket of cold water had just been dropped on him. 

"Why are you asking that? I've never lied to you" he didn't like how small his voice sounded to his own ears. The walls around him were getting even closer and the floor was beginning to shake under him.

"Really? Because it sounds to me like your whole life is one big fat lie" Alex thought a knife running down his chest or a bullet wound just a few inches above his heart were less painful than Vict's cutting words. 

"That's not fair. I couldn't tell you any of this before" he almost whispered.

"Someone tried to kill us because of this. How is that not a reason to tell me?"

"I would've been breaking the law. I was signed under secrecy. I don't understand why they'd be the ones to tell you now" and why had they done that? If what they wanted was a way to control him again, MI6 could have threatened to tell Vict about his past, not going right ahead and do it before even blackmailing him with it.

"It should've been you, Alex" his tone was so accusing he felt the need to defend himself at least some.

"This isn't the kind of thing you go around telling people about yourself" and that was such the wrong thing to say.

"Except I'm not just anyone, am I? This is the kind of stuff you tell the person you love" Vict put his hands on his hips before laughing bitterly at the ceiling "But how would I know that? It's not like you've actually told me you love me" Alex's heart did another flip. It was beating so erratically he was actually afraid he'd have a heart attack right then.

"You said you wouldn't push" his voice broke at the end, his hands were sweating. He wasn't ready to have this kind of discussion now.

"Well, I'm pushing now! Because how else am I suposed to believe that what we have is actually real? For all I know you could be leading a double life. Is that it? Am I supposed to be your cover?"

"No! I don't work for them anymore. You're not a—"

"Then why did someone try to kill us? I think I had the right to know if my life was in danger because you were some kind of... of spy!" Alex was gasping for breath now.

"That had nothing to do with me. I've been out of the game for years! This has to do with my uncle" he was trying to make him understand. This wasn't his fault!

"Right, the uncle who died but turned out to be very much alive. Just another lie I guess"

"I didn't know about my uncle before the hospital, I promise!" Alex was getting desperate.

"Then you've had plenty of time to tell me after it. Urgh, damm it!" the older boy spat, massaging his left temple and closing his eyes for a second. Alex was stunned.

"Why are you being like this?" he asked in a whisper but the answer he got wasn't the one he'd been looking for.

"I think it's best if you go home tonight" again, Alex felt like the floor was giving way under his weight. He couldn't go home now, he didn't want to leave, he was supposed to be safe here! 

He didn't know what to say so he didn't say anything, just stared at Vict like a wounded and cornered scared little animal. He hated feeling like this.

"It looks like you have some stuff to figure out" the other boy continued "And so have I" that brought Alex back from his stupor.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Shit, Alex, I don't know! I just... my head's killing me and I want to be left alone right now" the blond dropped his eyes and bit his cheek. He was continuing to cause pain to the one person he'd swear to protect from harm. He ran a hand through his hair again and nodded jerkingly, trying not to crumble under the weight crushing him from the inside.

He didn't speak again while he went back into the bedroom to get changed and grab his bag. This time he put on a sweater to go outside, a gray hoodie with faded black letters that he'd appropriated from the other boy the year before. The irony wasn't lost on him, neither was the pain of having to walk away from an angry Vict shutting the door closed after him and not before he managed the see the betrayed expression on his face.

Alex stood outside the door for a while, not finding the courage to either leave or find his way inside again. He felt lost. 

He checked the time on his phone. If he hurried, he could still catch a bus back home.

Home.

But what was waiting for him back there?

When he finally turned around to start making his way down the stairs, he couldn't help but feel like he was leaving a war zone to walk straight into another one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And freaking MI6 again 😒


	5. You have a mad man after you now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And the plot thickens...

The first thing he did when he opened the door to the apartment was let out a curse.

"Bloody hell! Now what?" 

"Hello to you too, Cub. It's nice to see you haven't lost your temper" 

"Fuck off Eagle" the blond answered, not in the mood to moderate his language and angrily asking the universe when would it stop with the surprise visitors "What the hell are you doing here?" that's when Ben came out of the kitchen carrying a couple of beers.

"He's staying with us for a couple of weeks. We arranged the guest room, remember?" _oh_ , right... he'd forgotten. Eagle used to stay with them in London whenever K-Unit was on leave. He didn't have his own place and always said he'd rather tag along with another unit on duty than to stay at his mother's house while on leave, hence the man migrating with them when they moved to Newcastle "What are _you_ doing here? I thought you wouldn't grace us with your presence for at least another few days" Alex rolled his eyes in annoyance.

"I'm going to my room now" he said and tried to sidestep Ben in order to do so. No such luck though.

"Wait a minute. We need to talk" the older man placed the beer bottles on the coffee table in front of Eagle and turned to face him.

"Not now" the blond answered and continued his way into the hallway. All he wanted to do was curl up and sleep this disastrous night off. Then he was startled to feel a hand snatching his upper arm almost painfully and pulling him back into the livingroom.

"Yes, now!" he stumbled with the push Ben gave him when he let go of his arm but found his balance quickly enough. He stared at his brother after the more than uncharacteristic physical aproach "This silent treatment of yours has to stop and we're gonna talk about things whether you want to or not" the blond continued to stare at him. Eagle stood up from the couch.

"Guys, if you want me to step out—” his voice brought Alex's attention back to him and he huffed an annoyed sigh.

"Don't bother. What's another person snooping into my life anyway?" his tone was half sarcastic and half bitter.

"Enough Alex! You don't get to snap at people just because you're angry with the world" Ben cut in getting angrier himself.

"I'm not angry with the world. I'm angry at _you_!" Alex figured if he couldn't scape talking about it then he would definitely speak his mind "How could you keep something like that from me?"

"I was gonna tell you that night but you were running late and I knew you'd been looking forward to your date night, so I figured I'd let you enjoy it before delivering the news" the blond thought that was really no excuse to withhold the information.

"Please, you've had years to tell me, so why not do it sooner? Do you still work for MI6? Is that it? Were you in on it since the beginning?" because that would just be the icing on the cake, wouldn't it? 

Alex didn't know what kind of answer he was expecting, if he expected Ben to just confess right away or vehemently deny the accusation, but when the older man started laghing, like seriously laughing, Alex couldn't help but be outraged.

"Jesus, Alex, you can be really thick headed when you want to, did you know that?" that took him aback a little bit and the fact that Ben's laugh had been bitter and humorless. For the first time that night Alex could see the traces of hurt under his brother's tone. He had gotten better at reading those, almost as much as Ben had gotten better at dealing with him and his multiple mood swings over the years "What could've possibly given you that idea?" Ben asked and though Alex really wanted to believe him, he just didn't know how much of anything was true anymore. If not even death was certain in his world, what else could be?

"You knew about Ian" the blond stated, surprising even himself with how quickly he could go from shouting his mind out to speaking as softly as if they were in a funeral.

"That's the thing, I didn't"

"You knew at the hospital" he insisted, begging for an explanation.

"I knew by then but I didn't know before that day, and it honestly surprises me you think I could ever do something like that to you" and wasn't the conversation turning out to be so similar to the one he'd just have with Vict? Alex swallowed awkwardly.

"But what you said to him, about agreeing not to tell me..." was it possible that he'd overreacted ( _as always_ , a voice said in his mind) and hadn't even given Ben the benefit of the doubt?

"I made him promise not to ambush you before I had the chance to talk to you because I knew how you'd react" now that made sense, Alex thought guiltly.

"But how did you _know_? And why didn't you just tell me right away?"

"He approached me that morning. Introduced himself. John Crawley was with him" Alex hissed at the name.

"Fucking Crawley" he ran a hand through his hair "What did they say to you? Why are they doing this now? How is my uncle alive? Why did they have to tell Victor? Are they trying to get me back? I'm not a minor anymore, they can't do that! And what's their next move? Why can't they just leave me alone, why—"

"Wow, Cub, breathe for a second, will ya?" Alex snapped his eyes back to Eagle, who had been watching their conversation play out like a tennis match, and drew in a breath.

"Let's not get any more worked up here" Ben added lifting his hands in a placating manner and genteling his tone some. Alex relaxed instinctively. How was it that with only one gesture Ben was able to stop him from spiraling out of control? Had he become that dependant on him? "What do you mean they told Vict?" Alex breathed deeply and tried, unsucessfully, to speak without rushing.

"Crawley showed up at his place. He told him about MI6 and then I had to tell him about me and now he's angry and he threw me out, he thinks I'm leading this double life and that I lied to him about everything and now he doesn't even want to talk to me"

"Huh, I wonder how that feels" more than the words, it was the accusing tone in which Ben spoke that had Alex frowning. He wasn't used to the older man being so upfront and confrontational with him, but that's when his own words dawned on him.

"Fucking hell" Alex said with a defeated tone and a desperate tug of his hair "Bloody. Fucking. Stupid. Moron" with every insult that he threw he took a step to the right and then one to the left. Ben was going to be right after all in saying he didn't know how thick headed he could be.

"I really hope you don't mean either of us" Eagle said after having remained quiet for as long as he could, the blond figured. He also almost snapped at him again but bit his tongue instead.

"I meant me" he replied instead and looked everywhere but at his brother before he was able to hold his gaze "I'm sorry" somehow it felt too simple a word to make up for implying and believing that Ben could ever betray him like that. Not Ben, who had given up everything to take care of a kid he had no real connection to, no obligation. How did he lose sight of that? "Ben... I.... I'm..." Ben sighed and his shoulders dropped down heavily, as if he'd been making an effort to keep his posture rigid.

"Well, finally! I was wondering how much I'd have to push you before you came to your senses" Alex was sure he didn't mean the comment as a jab, but it was hard to hear all the same. 

"I'm so sorry. I'm an idiot" and he was, for treating Ben the way he had, for snapping at Eagle when he had nothing to do with it, for hiding part of his life from Vict and for fighting with him in the first place. What was wrong with him?

"Don't worry about it now" Ben said, signaling towards the dinning table and taking a seat himself, not before picking up his untouched beer. Alex followed him.

"But I've been a dick to you for days"

"Yes, you have" again with the direct approach "You forget I know you though. I knew you needed time" Alex sat down and began scratching the surface of the table with his fingernails. Ben had told him it was a nervous habit of his, one that he wasn't inclined to stop for the time being. Eagle approached the table as well.

"I'll get another beer" the soldier offered, almost as a peace offering, but Alex shook his head.

"I shouldn't. I'm still on pain medication" he signaled his neck. In fact, he was scheduled to take another pill soon. His headache was definitely asking for it.

"A tea then" he was automatically about to refuse but thought better of it.

"Actually, that sounds great. Thanks" 

Eagle dissappeared into the kitchen and Alex was left alone with Ben's scrutinazing gaze. "What?"

"How are you feeling from the crash?" he shrugged.

"Sore, stiff" he figured it was best to be honest "Don't worry about it. Could've been worse" Ben let it go.

"What I'm worried about is this threat against you. Alex, the crash wasn't an accident" the conversation was moving on to more dangerous territory.

"I know. Crawley said so but he didn't explain why" Alex saw a flicker of something go through Ben's eyes and he prepared himself for whatever it was.

"Do you know?" he asked but Ben didn't answer right away. Eagle came out of the kitchen carrying Alex's tea along with his own beer to sit next to them on the table.

"It's about your uncle and the reason why he's here" Alex's heart skipped a beat. He'd been avoiding even thinking about his uncle since his sudden reappearance and he had to admit he was scared to know the truth, the whole story.

"Tell me" he insisted when the older man trailed off for a minute.

"You're not gonna like the answer" Ben warned, which did nothing to alleviate his fears.

"Just tell me everything" 

"He's been undercover, all this time. A long term mission here in the UK" Alex was stunned into silence. Both Ben and Eagle gave him a moment to process the information. It's not like he hadn't figured that part out on his own, but having it confirmed felt shocking either way.

"How did they do it? He died, we went to his funeral. I talked to Yassen Gregorovitch myself, he shot Ian. He killed him"

"Or he thought he did. Your uncle did get shot but he didn't die. MI6 made it look like it and then sent him off to a deep undercover mission"

"And he agreed?" Alex's voice broke at the end of the question, earning a pair of sympathetic looks from the other occupants of the table. 

"I don't know all the details" was Ben's answer, who looked apologetic and afronted at the same time. Alex supposed no one other than Ian himself could really answer all his questions, the problem was that he was as eager to talk to the man as he was eager to stay as far away from him as he could. 

"So he's back because the mission's over?" it was Eagle who asked the question Alex was still too troubled to ask himself.

"Yes... and no. The mission's over because his cover was blown. He's here because of the retaliations"

"Against me?" the blond finally said.

"Against you" Ben confirmed with a nod.

"Whoever hit the car, they were trying to kill me. You think they're going to try again?"

"That's what your uncle says. He said he came here to warn you but they got to you before he got the chance to see you" he was surprised his uncle even cared enough to come warn him and, now that he thought about it, if he was in danger then how come Ben managed to leave him alone for the past two days? Knowing how much he worried, he was surprised his brother hadn't just put him on lock down.

"There are people watching me, aren't they?" he accused without any real heat in his voice. To his credit, Ben didn't hide his approval.

"Yes. During your stay at the hospital and at Vict's place. I imagine they followed you here" Alex frowned. That wasn't right.

"No one followed me here" he stated.

"Maybe you didn't notice" that wasn't it. He shook his head.

"No, I'm telling you. I wasn't followed, I would've noticed" it was Ben's turn to frown.

"Ian told me they would have eyes on you"

"Did they tell you Crawley was gonna talk to me?" Ben's silence answered for him.

"Alex, what did Crawley say exactly?"

"He said I had to go with him. Me and Vict, can you believe that? He told me about the protection. I said no"

"Damn it" more than angry, Ben sounded frustrated "Alex you're an adult now. Your word can overule mine when it comes to things like a protection detail. I'm sure Crawley didn't insist much or thought twice about cancelling the surveilance"

"Well... good. I don't want anything from them and you shouldn't either" the blond didn't see the problem with MI6 actually listening to him for once in his life.

"Maybe you should consider—" Eagle started and Alex leaned away from the table, crossing his arms over his chest.

"What are they offering exactly? To send me under an alias to a whole other continent where someone just happens to be plotting the end of the world and I'm conveniently housed next door? You know how they operate, I'm not falling for it again"

"They did talk about a safe house..." Ben said softly, almost afraid to finish the sentence.

"You see? I can't agree to that. I won't face another mad man for them"

"You have a mad man after you now" Alex glanced at Eagle thinking it wasn't fair of them to team up against him, but he wasn't going to cave.

"I can take care of myself. I don't need them"

"You feel pretty strong about this, don't you?"

"You know I do" they fell into silence for a moment in which Alex saw a look pass between Ben and Eagle. Whatever they were thinking, it couldn't bode well for him.

"Then you're not leaving our sight until this mess is sorted" 

"Oh, come on Ben" Alex unclenched his arms and threw them on the table.

"No buts. You're on vacation. Eagle's on vacation. You two are gonna be spending quite some time together" Eagle sent him a bright smile, as if the prospect of annoying the hell out of him was something to look forward to. Alex sighed and dropped his head on the table as well. It wasn't that he didn't like spending time with Eagle, quite the opposit in fact, but he didn't appreciate the circumstances.

"What about you?"

"I've already asked for a few days off at work. I'll be having a talk with MI6" that had him sitting up straight again.

"Will you go to London?" he asked in a worried tone. Ben shrugged.

"If I have to, but I don't think I will. From what I understand, they're all here" the mere thought of the heads of MI6 breathing the same air as him had him suddenly feeling like a prey, more so than the fact someone was actually out to get him.

"What about Vict? Is he in danger too?" they had already hurt him because they were together. Was he supposed to stay away from Vict in order to protect him?

"It's hard to say" 

Something must have shown on his face, maybe it was how much he didn't want to stay away from his boyfriend and how much he needed him, because Eagle patted him on the shoulder.

"You should talk to him, explain the situation"

"He doesn't want to talk to me right now. I screwed up. What if this is too much? He already has to deal with the ra—" he stopped himself just in time to not reveil that particular piece of information to Eagle "With a lot from me. He won't want to deal with this too" Ben was shaking his head.

"I don't believe that and you shouldn't either without giving him the chance to speak for himself. Either he accepts it or he doesn't, but don't assume he won't"

"What can I do?" the blond asked, praying either of them would give him an answer that would miraculously solve all of his problems, problems he didn't have that morning.

"Well, you could start by apologizing" Eagle offered "I'm not saying this is your fault but it isn't his either. And if he already knows about them, then you might as well tell him all. He seems like the kind of person who understands bagage"

"He is" Ben confirmed, holding his gaze long enough to convey his message. Alex knew they were right, he couldn’t give up hope. And he should probably check up on him, given the night turned out to be pretty strenous after all. He was definitely feeling its effects.

Alex fished the small bottle of pain relievers from his bag and swallowed one with the rest of his tea. If he stayed seated one more minute, he would pass out from exhaustion. Adrenalin was quickly leaving his body.

“I need to go to sleep. See you in a few years…” he said around a yawn.

“Try to rest” Ben said getting up from the table as well and putting a hand on his shoulder “We’re going to work things out” Alex nodded.

“Don’t snore too loud Eagle” he added to the other man on his way to his room.

“I make no promises!”

Once alone, Alex leaned his back against the closed door and let out an exhausted sigh. If there was at least one silver lining in all this, it was the fact he was on summer break and his education didn’t have to suffer again at the hands of MI6 and their incompetence to remain out of his life.

And his uncle…

Alex tsked and walked further into the room. He changed clothes but remained with Vict’s appropriated sweater on despite the fact the temperature inside the apartment was hot. He laid down on the bed carefully, hissing some when his head hit the pillow and his stiff neck was able to rest.

He grabbed his phone.

He wasn’t surprised when the call ended up going to voice mail, but he chose to believe it was because Vict was already sleeping and not because he was being ignored. He insisted a few more times before finally accepting he wasn’t going to get the chance to make things right that night, or at least to start.

He made sure to plug the charger on the wall and connect his phone. He’d try again tomorrow. Right now, his eyelids were dropping closed and his brain couldn’t think beyond the fact it was night, he was tired and he wanted the day to end already.

He reached the light switch over the bedside table and the room was plunged into darkness. Maybe it was the effect of the medication or maybe it was just exhaustion, but he was asleep within seconds. If only he had known that would be the last good night of sleep he was going to get for a while…


	6. You’ve become pushy over the years

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love Eagle so much and though I couldn’t fit all of K-Unit into the story, Eagle does hold a pretty important role. I also like his friendship with Alex. You’ll see some of that in this chapter.
> 
> I hope you like it!
> 
> WARNINGS: swearing and a pretty strong panic attack

Alex's body felt heavy and his eyes burned when he tried to open them. He was so tired.

He decided to sleep for another minute before trying to fully wake up again.

It was at least half an hour later when his conciousness began to surface again. He was so, _so_ tired.

But with a heavy groan and as much resolve as he could muster, he turned to face the ceiling, one arm above his head and the other one scratching an itch on his chest. He yawned.

Judging by the slit of light coming in through the window, he figured he'd slept longer than usual, even on vacation. He reached for his phone on the bedside table and stared unbelievingly at the time. It was past midday. In fact, it was nearing three o'clock. _Damn_.

He also checked for messages or missed calls, but the only message staring back at him was a notification saying the battery was fully charged. He pluged it out.

Deciding to just go ahead and do it, the blond went through his recent call history and dialed Vict's number. He wasn't sure what he was going to say since he was still coming out of his sleepy haze and hadn't thought much beyond the fact he wanted to hear his boyfriend's voice and make sure he'd made it through his first night out of the hospital alright. Alex knew the other boy had had a headache when he'd left the night before and that wasn't good for his recovery.

But the tone dialed endlessly and eventually the answering machine was the only thing he heard. He ended the call.

Vict's phone was on, but he was ignoring him. Alex sighed and opened the message app.

_ *Can we talk?* _

No reply.

_ *I can explain better* _

The phone remained silent for another few minutes.

_ *Please s’more” _

Alex hoped the use of their nickname would stir Vict's forgiving streak. They'd been calling each other s'mores ever since Vict made a silly joke about american movies and they'd set out to actually try out the dessert americans were so fond of. He'd say they had to taste good, all hard cookie on the outside and soft melted sugar on the inside. 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“ _Kind of like you” Vict said while licking a strip of his skin from the bottom of his neck to his chin. Alex laughed and stretched his neck to give him more room._

_ “You know sweat isn't supposed to be sweet” they'd just finished a round of romantic late night activities and Alex had been dripping wet from the exertion, in more ways than one. _

_ “But you're sweet on the  _ inside _” oh... and didn't that just sound like enough dirty talk to get him going again. Vict simply continued to lick and kiss him until suddenly he felt teeth sinking softly into his skin._

_ “Ow!” he fakely complained just to hear the laugh that followed. _

_ “And hard on the outside' Vict said suggestively and Alex just couldn't believe the tricks the other boy could pull off to rattle his composure. _

_ “Like a s'more?” Alex guessed, remembering the movie they'd been watching before. He groaned in faked annoyance “We didn't finish the movie... again” Vict shrugged. _

_ “I'd rather have my own s'more right now” he answered while working his way down, down, down on Alex's body until the blond couldn't think of anything else. _

_ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  _

The s'more thing had started out as a dirty joke between them, but eventually they started using it outside the bedroom and it became a term of endearment. It got stuck.

Alex could only hope Vict saw his using it as a sign he was willing to patch things up.

No such luck. His phone remained silent and his resolve faltered. He'd insist again after having some breakfast— lunch, his brain corrected. Whatever, he told himself.

Though his stomach grumbled, he was in no hurry to leave his small coccoon, so it was maybe twenty minutes later when he opened his bedroom door and made his way outside.

The first thought that crossed his mind was how silent the apartment was, considering it was plain day and Eagle was around, which led him to believe he'd been left alone, contrary to what they had talked about the night before.

"Ben?" he called out just to make sure while he walked out of the hallway and into the livingroom.

"He's not here" Alex yelped at the sound of a voice coming right from behind him and instinct took over quickly, making him throw an elbow back and turning around to assest a blow with his closed fist. He didn't even register the pain such a sudden move brought to his neck "Wow! Okay, hey!" Eagle was fast enough himself to avoid the elbow strike and stop Alex's fist in midair.

"Eagle! What the hell?" Alex's heart was racing a marathon inside his chest. If he'd been sleepy before, he was certainly awake now. He took an abrupt step back and ran a nervous hand through his hair.

"That's what I should say!" the soldier replied, shaking the hand he'd used to stop Alex's attack.

"Don't sneak up on me like that" the blond berated trying unsuccessfully to keep a nervous laugh from escaping his lips "Bloody hell" he cursed instead.

"I wasn't sneaking up. I heard you waking up and just came out of my room"

"Yeah, all silent like" Alex retorted accusingly which earned him a confused frown from the older man.

"Cub, that door creaks everytime it moves" true, Alex thought. They'd talked about fixing it for some time now but never found the time to actually do it "So... are you okay?" Eagle asked when Alex drifted off for a moment. The blond shook his head to focus back on the present.

"Yeah" he answered, making his way into the kitchen after his stomach complained again "How come you didn't wake me sooner?" Eagled shrugged, following him while he opened cupboards in search of some cereal. Then he remembered he was supposed to be having lunch and turned to open the fridge.

"You needed your rest. And Fox said he'd throw me out if I so much as sneezed while you slept" Alex rolled his eyes at Ben's predictable mother henning. He closed the fridge dissappointed at finding it empty.

"So where did he go?"

"He went hunting for information"

"Hunting for MI6 you mean" Alex asked, making his way into the livingroom again and sitting carefully on the couch. He mentally slapped himself for missing his morning dosage of painkillers. He sighed.

"More like looking for Ian. Ian is it?" Eagle asked, not sure if he'd gotten the name right. Alex nodded.

"You think I should've gone with him? He's my uncle after all" Eagled focused his gaze on him managing to make him feel uncomfortable with the seriousness of his expression. He'd seen Eagle in action, he even remembered what he'd been like during his short training period with the unit, before they managed to get along so well, so he knew the man was capable of acting according to his age when the situation called for it. But those times had been far and few in between, at least when Alex was present. So seeing the normally silly and joking man staring so intently at him was something relatively new and somewhat unsettling.

"Do you actually want to see him?" the blond took his time to answer such a delicate question. Did he want to? Seeing Ian at the hospital had been disastrous enough. Would he be able to handle sitting down and actually have a conversation with the man?

"I feel like if I see him I'm either gonna cry or hit him. I don't want to do either" he added after drawing the most sencere conclusion he could from his troubled thoughts.

"Then you're better off staying away. For now anyway" it was his turn to stare at Eagle, somewhat amazed at how much his opinion mattered to him and the level of trust he had in this man. A man that wasn't even that much older than him. Eagle was the youngest member of K-Unit, making him the one closest to Alex in age. The blond truly counted himself lucky when he thought about the family he'd found within this unit of completely different personalities and lives, all connected by the bond of having each other's back in combat. Family. K-Unit, Ben, Ben's parents. They were all his family now, so what did that make Ian? After having abandonned him for six years, what was Ian to him?

Alex sighed defeated. He didn't know how to answer that question.

"What am I supposed to do all day then?" Eagle made his own way into the couch.

"Just sit tight and wait. Relax for a bit" 

"Right" he answered, slapping his hands against his tighs before getting back on his feet "Let's go" _sit and wait? No thanks._

"Wheeeere?" Eagle asked suspicious.

"In case you haven't noticed, there's no food in there" the blond stated signaling to the kitchen. The soldier snorted.

"I noticed, believe me"

"Great. Then we'll go get some. It's my turn to buy the groceries anyway" he and Ben had this system, they planned their grocery shopping so the food would last approximately two weeks and though sometimes they managed to go to the store together, usually they went on their own, their schedules not exactly in synch with each other.

"I don't think it's a good idea for you to be out and about right now" the other man said, unable to hide the worried frown on his face. Alex wasn't having it.

"Unless you plan on surviving on air and water for the next 15 days, we're going. Besides, life goes on, right? Just because someone's out to get me doesn't mean we have to starve, so come on" he finished, waving Eagle to get off the couch.

"You've become pushy over the years" the blond laughed.

"I learned from the best"

" _Touché_ "

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 

He was actually glad to step out of the building right after he changed. It only took someone telling him he shouldn't leave a place to feel trapped in it, no matter how free he really was to come and go as he pleased.

What he hadn't expected to feel, though, was so utterly exposed. The minute he and Eagle began walking down the street towards the food store, he started glancing almost obssesively behind them every ten or fifteen seconds. He had never stopped being paranoid but he'd managed to keep his worries under control for the past couple of years. Now he could only think about getting shot in front of the bank, getting kidnapped in Kiev and, more recently, being hit by another car. Knowing someone was after him now, what should he be preparing himself for? Another gun shot wound, another crash? Alex began to rub his right thumb into his left palm, another nervous gesture Ben had been kind enough to point out.

He let out a sigh of relief when they walked into the supermarket.

"Lead the way" Eagle gestured when he took control of the market car. Alex had to chuckle at the bizarre sight of a soldier doing something as domestic as grocery shopping. He remembered having the same impression the first few times Ben took him out on a homey chore, back when they first started living together. Those times seemed so far away now...

The blond wasn't paying much attention to his task, mainly because he new the place by heart already and he walked swiftly from aisle to aisle grabbing their usual items. It wasn't until Eagle pointed out he'd already put three bags of frozen peas into the car that he got a hold of his wandering thoughts, which had been straying towards his boyfriend.

He put back in the freezer the two extra bags of peas and continued his way with Eagle right behind him. The older man added his own cravings here and there while they walked through the halls.

Alex reached for his phone to check, unnecessarily, for any notification. The phone hadn't buzzed inside his pocket since he'd put it there. He decided to write another text.

_ *You alive?* _

When they finished going through the store and got in line to pay and still there was no answer on his phone, Alex's worries did nothing but grow. He had the feeling Vict was merely ignoring him, not wanting to deal with his complicated life anymore, but there was also the distinct possibility of him being laid out in bed under a crushing headache like the first night at the hospital.

Alex wanted nothing more than to blow up Vict's phone with messages and calls but he also didn't want to push him to the point of no return. What should he do? Should he go back to his place and plant himself there until they talked? Wait for him to reach out on his own? What if he never did?

With a scowl on his face, he put his phone away and stared moodily at the line in front of them.

"No word from him?" Eagle asked, probably guessing what he'd been doing. Alex shook his head but didn't utter a word. Then he felt guilty at his apparently ingrained ability to make Eagle pay for his foul mood.

"I'm sorry you had to be put on Cub duty while on leave” the blond offered more calmly than he thought possible at the moment. Eagle shrugged his shoulders and patted him on his.

"Don't worry about it. What better way to spend my vacation than with my favorite partner in crime?" Alex glanced at him with suspicion in his eyes.

"I seriously can't tell if you're being sarcastic or not" they advanced a few steps on the line.

"Loosen up Cubby. I didn't have anything better to do"

"Now I don’t know if you´re insulting me” 

“And you never will” the soldier said theatrically, finally managing to make Alex smile in amusement. The cashier called them forward.

Eagle offered to pay though Alex insisted he didn´t have to, but the soldier got away with it by flirting with the woman, who accepted his card instead of Alex’s. He made sure to let Eagle know the unfairness of the challenge, seeing as Alex didn´t really know how to flirt.

“Unless it’s a guy” Eagle remarked.

“Not really, no” 

"Then how exactly did you and Vict get together?" they each picked a couple of bags and made their way outside.

"Trust me, you don't want to know" that had been a difficult path to follow...

Thankfully, their walk back home was less stressful than before. Alex had the feeling Eagle had picked up on his paranoia earlier on and was doing his best to distract him from it, not without failing to keep an eye out for trouble himself.

The thing about paranoia is that it was a double edged sword. If you let yourself get consumed by it, you could fail to distinguish the real danger from the one your head often conjures up. Alex sometimes stumbled over the fine line that divided them.

They made it home without incident.

While Eagle set off to put the frozen pizza they'd gotten for their late lunch in the oven, Alex went to put the groceries away. He was still hungry, his stomach reminding him of the fact he hadn't eaten anything since the day before, and though he'd agreed to share the pizza with the man, he didn't think he could stomach more than a few slices. He guessed it was a good thing Ben wasn't around to berate him for it, unless he'd also put Eagle to the task. That argument was going to be fun, he thought ironically.

Apparently though, that day was the international day of not answering the phone when Alex called. Except, unlike Vict who'd just let the call go to voice mail, his brother had intentionally rejected the call.

"Don't stress" Eagle said around a mouthfull of pizza once they sat down on the table "He'll tell you everything when he gets back" 

For once, Alex listened to him and set the phone aside while he finished nibbling on his slice of pizza or he risked getting the urge to throw up the food. Sometimes his stomach did rebel when he was stressed, not that anyone needed to know that.

Hours passed and Alex was still no closer to either knowing where Ben was or how Vict was doing, so it was no surprise that when his phone started buzzing repeatedly on the bedside table, he jumped and dived for it before the call could end. He was back in his room, so at least he'd get some privacy.

He sighed in relief when he saw Vict's name on the screen. Him reaching out had to he a good sign, right? Alex quickly answered the call, clearing his throat of all evidence of desperarion in his tone.

"Hey, Vict—" 

"Not quite" said a voice from the other end of the line "He says hi though" whatever relief he'd felt at seeing who the call was from quicky died down to be replaced by confusion and a good dose of trepidation.

"Who are you?" he asked, dreading whatever answer might come next. A ton of scenarios had begun to play out in his mind that would explain someone else answering Vict's phone for him, none of them boding anything good for him.

"We'll get to that"

"Where's Victor?" had the other boy asked someone else to speak to him because he didn't want to? That seemed a bit too far stretched for the situation, no matter how mad Vict was. And if he had, he was pretty sure it would have been Leyla using the phone.

"We'll also get to that" Alex was liking this less and less. He didn't even bother to mask his annoyance next.

"Quit playing games. Who the hell are you?" the voice of the man became even more taunting than before.

"I see patience is going to be an issue with you, Rider. Or can I call you Alex?" his breathing got stuck for an instant before he was able to digest the words. This was _the man_ , the threat Ian had come to warn him about, the one after him. It had to be.

"Where's Victor?" he asked again with clenched teeth. If this man had Vict, if he'd hurt him... Alex heard him sigh deeply, as if he was being an unreasonable child.

"He's close by"

"Put him on the phone" he demanded, trying not to make his voice sound scared or desperate.

"I could but he wouldn't be able to speak through the gag" except remaining calm wasn't easy to do when the man said things like that. _Gagged_ …

"How do I know you really have him?" whoever this man was, they could have just stolen his phone, right?

"Oh, I could make him scream through it, if you like"

"No! No. Don't you dare hurt him!" he hissed into the phone. _Please don't hurt him "_ What do you want?" 

"First, I want you to not tell anyone about this particular situation. Then, I want us to meet" he screwed his eyes shut and covered the bottom of his phone with a hand so the other man wouldn't hear his agitated breathing. He had managed to stay out of trouble for so long now, he thought hopeless. He wasn't naive, he knew he shared part of the blame from how his life had turned out to be so far, sticking his nose on occasion where it didn't belong but he'd learned his lesson. Staying out of everyone's bussiness meant staying out of trouble. If he agreed to meet this man and Vict wasn't really with him, if it was a trap, what would he be getting himself into? 

Alex's heart plummeted because he knew there was no choice to make, he just couldn't risk it.

"Where?" he asked after taking a deep breath.

"I'll text you the adress. Be there in half an hour. Make sure there’re no cops, no friends, no uncles or dear little s'more here gets burnt" _s'more_... Alex felt as if a bucket of freezing water had been dumped on him at hearing such a private word coming through the phone on this stranger's voice.

"But—"

"30 minutes" repeated the man before the call was ended.

Alex held the phone in a trembling hand, hearing the taunting voice of that man over and over again in his head. The conversation didn’t last more than five minutes but it had managed to make the world spin around him, the walls of his bedroom shifting and the floor shaking beneath him.

Or maybe the shaking came from his legs, which were clumsily taking him over to the door where he slumped against it to prevent anyone from walking in unexpectedly. It was when he slightly banged his head on the door and he had completely slid down to the floor that he realized he wasn't breathing.

He gasped reflexively and, once he started, there was no stopping his agitated breathing and the feeling his airways were closing down. He went to bang his fist against the floor, the same way a drowning man would desperately try to break his way out of confinement, but had enough presence of mind to hit his leg instead. He didn't need Eagle knowing what was going on. No one could know or else Vict was going to die and it would be his fault because people always died when they were connected to him. Ian, Jack, his parents. Except Ian wasn't dead and he was back and someone wanted revenge and they had Vict and they were going to hurt him _and I left him alone, this is my fault, they want me and they got him, they have him and if he dies, he can't die, not Vict, not him, I, I can't. Not him._

It was focusing on that single thought, _not him_ , that Alex found the strenght to fight the terror threatening to consume him. He hadn't had a panic attack that strong in at least over a year and he had no one to help him through it because Ben was still nowhere to be seen and Eagle just couldn't know!

Eagle.

How was he going to leave without Eagle noticing? 

But first things first. He'd deal with sneaking out when the time came. For now, he had to calm the fuck down! And slow his breathing or he would get dizzy when he got up the floor, which he needed to do sooner rather than later.

Alex checked the time on his phone. Three minutes. He'd already wasted three minutes.

But he had time, the logical-not-paralized-with-fear part of his brain supplied. He couldn't go face the threat when he was barely able to hold himself up. He needed to appear strong, fearless, confident.

_ Everything I was. Everything I'm not anymore. _

He was going to have to fake it in order to make it.

The blond set his mind to it and slowly got back up on his feet, swearing when his vision swam dangerously. Hyperventilation could do that to a person.

_ Come on Alex! _ He prompted himself. 

He was startled by an incomming message making his phone buzz a few times. The text came from Vict's phone.

It was the address of the place they were supposed to meet at. No particular location came to mind when he read the words, which meant it was a part of the city he'd never been to before. He didn't have Ben's car to make his way there and public transportation would just take too much time. He hoped the taxi cab driver would know where to take him. The next thing he did was make a call to order one.

Then he got changed, switching the knee lenght shorts he'd been wearing for a pair of jeans and taking Vict's former gray sweater again. It was baggier on him, which would serve it's purpose just right. 

When he was sure his heartrate had stabilized enough, he tiptoed his way into Ben's room. He could hear Eagle making use of the punching bag in his room, which also served as their home training gym, a sign the soldier was also getting restless with the situation. If Alex hurried, he could find what he was looking for and leave the apartment without the other man hearing a thing.

Once in Ben's room, he went straight for his target: his brother’s dresser. Third row to the right, two drawers down. He stuck his hand inside carelessly, not caring if he messed the meticulously folded clothes in his search. He didn't have time for careful.

When his hand made contact with the hard metal, he gripped his fingers around it and brought the object out of the drawer. The gun stared tauntingly back at him, its weight heavier than it should. He hadn't even seen a gun in two years, much less hold one himself.

He checked the magazine. His fingers sliding over the surface of the weapon by muscle memory. When his hand began to tremble slightly though, he hid the gun under the sweater, placing it at the hem of his jeans. He was ready to go.

He made sure to grab money from his own room in order to pay the taxi and then made his way to the front door as silently as he could. How he was able to leave the apartment undetected was a mystery to him, seeing as he felt heavier with every step he took and feeling the gun rattling against his skin every time he moved.

He couldn't believe he was doing this. There was literally a fully trained and capable soldier right there with him, someone who could help him, someone who'd be in a better mind set to deal with a ransom meeting and, yet, he was choosing to do this alone, to walk straight into danger _alone_.

He couldn't risk asking for help though. Not yet. He needed to find out first what that man wanted and how to get Vict back.

He closed the door silently behind him before running down the stairs. 

The moment he got into the cab, he knew there was no way back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Problems are only just starting for our boys...


	7. Would you say he cares about you?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A chapter from Vict’s PoV! You know I love ma boy and I hope you enjoy this chapter too!

Victor wasn’t a stranger to pain.

He once broke his arm when he was six years old and he thought climbing up trees was fun. He'd scraped his knees countless times when running around the park, just like every other kid his age had.

Then he'd learned what a fist to the stomach felt like and how much colliding with a wall could hurt. Of course, the occasional black eye wasn't out of the equation.

So no, he wasn't a stranger to pain. But even he had to admit that getting his skull almost cracked opened _hurt. Like. Hell._

Victor woke up with his face already hidden in his pillow to muffle the groan he couldn't quite suppress. Even though he didn't think his head could hurt worse than the first night at the hospital, that morning was a close second.

Morning or afternoon? He had no idea how much he'd slept after his brain had finally decided to give him a reprieve from the constant flow of information being bombarded his way.

Alex being a spy. The crash not being an accident. Alex being a spy. Him lying about it. The secret service guy. Alex _being_ a spy. Alex being a freaking _spy_.

It'd been hard falling asleep once the blond had left because his head wouldn't stop pounding. The fact the pain hadn't lessened after who knows how many hours of sleep was worrisome. And annoying.

Victor hoped he'd had enough presence of mind the night before to leave his phone charging. He honestly couldn't remember if he did.

It was mid-morning, the clock on his nightstand said, so he hadn't slept as much as he'd thought.

_ God... my head _ .

He needed painkillers. _Now_.

His phone showed no messages and just a couple of missed calls from the night before. Nothing since then. He was disappointed but not surprised. Alex usually wasn’t one to start dificult conversations and Vict knew they needed to talk. About a lot of things.

He didn’t want to think he’d overreacted, but how could he be expected to just asimilate that kind of information without a precessing period of time? He hated the way he'd kicked Alex out of the apartment but the pain in his head had been clouding his judgement and the suddennes of the situation didn’t give him much room to be reasonable.

He yawned and against everything that screamed at him to just go back to sleep, he got up off the bed and made his way into the bathroom, the world spinning as he did so all the way there. At least he didn’t throw up once he got there. The doctors had adviced for him to go back to the hospital if he started vomiting again like he’d done the first night.

After that, he debated between a light breakfast or just passing out on the couch. He wanted to avoid upsetting his stomach and risking another trip to the hospital, so he decided to pass out on the couch.

_ No bright lights _ , he remembered from the night before. The shutters on the windows were almost all the way down, something Alex made sure of whenever he stayed the night. Alex… could that be catalogued as paranoia? He knew the blond had trust issues among other things but he always attributed them to the abuse he’d suffered at the hands of that ucranian man. Could it be that there was more to that story? Was that story true at all?

_ Don’t go there _ , he reprimended himself. Whatever was really going on in Alex’s life, or double life or whatever, Victor was sure no one could fake reactions like the ones Alex had had when they met, the first few times they’d started to become intimate and the oh so slow process from then to where they were now. He wasn’t sure how much of what the other boy had told him about his life was true or not, but at least of that, he was sure of.

Victor turned on the TV and set it at a low volume, not really focussing on the channel he`d chosen.

How could he know what was true and what was not? Did Alex love him? Did he not?

Victor rested the crook of his arm over his eyes. He somehow didn’t want to know. If Alex didn’t love him, if everything was a lie, he just didn’t want to know. At least not right now. As long as Alex didn’t deny it, as long as they didn’t talk, there was still a chance this was all a nightmare and their relationship wasn’t a lie. 

Victor wasn’t sure how much time he could get away with ignoring his phone and the outside world though.

_ At least one day, _ he thought. He wanted to pretend that nothing had happened for at least one day.

The doorbell ringing brought his attention back in an instant. Was it Alex? The other boy had a key to his apartment but maybe he didn't feel confident enough to use it now. Did that mean he was coming over to end their relationship? Victor didn't want to find out. He could admit that he was angry, but he wasn't _that_ angry.

The bell rang again and he got off the couch to see through the door peephole. The fact it wasn't Alex was a relief to him.

"Who is it?" he called out loud. There was a man on the other side of the door wearing a baseball cap and holding a small brown box in his arms.

"I have a package for Victor Allen?" a delivery guy then. He didn't remember ordering anything online but maybe Alex had before their fight. Maybe even before the movie. It wouldn't be the first time.

He opened the door.

The moment he unlocked it, the door was pushed in making him stumble a step back but he lost his footing altogether when the first thing he saw wasn't the box the man had thrown on his way in. It was a gun.

Victor tripped over his own feet in the hurry to get away from the weapon. He kept backing up because he was sure the man was going to fire at any second, just any second _he's gonna shoot, he's gonna shoot me, he's gonna shoot_. His heart was beating faster than it ever had in his life and he was sure if he breathed any louder he would start wheezing at any time.

The fact that the man holding the gun wasn't the only one only made things worse. Someone else walked into the apartment and closed the door behind them but Victor hadn't registered him in the first place because his mind had been solely focussed on the barrel of the gun being pointed straight at him.

It was the second man who walked purposefuly towards him and janked him up the floor by hauling his arm up.

He was surprised he found the courage to speak first.

"Y-you can take whatever you want" he offered in a trembling voice. The smirk the man holding the gun gave him was enough to confirm his worst fear.

"In that case, we're taking you with us" Victor instinctively tried to take a step back but the man holding into his arm prevented it by pushing him forward closer to the gun. He couldn't even take his eyes off the weapon. The man with the gun had shoulder length black hair and he was as tall as him, maybe even a bit more. He was strong too, because the way he was squeezing his upper arm to keep him in place was painful and would surely leave a mark. Then the man turned to his partner "Shoes. Phone" he ordered and the man dissappeared into his room.

Things were happening so fast he was having a hard time believing they were happening at all. He couldn't let himself get kidnapped. If he left the apartment and no one knew then he was as good as dead. No one would miss him, no one would even notice his dissappearance for a while, not when Alex was going to keep his distance and he knew the other boy was going to take his time to reach out. If he got taken now, he was doomed. But what could he do? He couldn't fight his way out. He was no fighter, he was no Alex.

"Listen" he tried using the only thing he was good at: words "You don't have to do this. You can just walk away. I won't say anything"

"Shut up"

"Just take whatever else you want but leave me alone. You—"

"I said shut up!" he fell silent inmediately when the gun was pressed into his forehead. He screwed his eyes shut and held his breath because he was sure he'd just signed his death warrant but opened them again when the other man walked back into the living room and threw a pair a shoes his way "Put them on" he was ordered and he complied.

"I've got the phone" Victor glanced up from his hunched position on the floor where he was slipping into a pair of trainers and, sure enough, the man was waving his cellphone triumphantly above his head. He was ordered to hurry up and he finished tying the laces. The other man hadn't been kind enough to bring him a pair of socks as well.

But any thoughts of comfort fled from his mind when he was confronted by the sight of the gun being pressed unto his forehead again. He gasped.

"This is how it's going to work. We're going to walk out of here together and get into our vehicle downstairs and you're going to act like everything is normal. You make a sound or try to run or call someone's attention and you get one of this right between the eyes. Understood?" He finished tapping the gun against his head a couple of times. The man's proximity and the level of viciousness in his eyes were enough to turn his knees to jelly, and that's not even counting the threat he'd just been dealt with.

"Ye-yes" he couldn't make his voice stop trembling. After the words left his mouth he had just enough time to see the man's smirk before a fist collided painfully with his stomach, driving all the air out of him and making him drop to his knees. He gasped and clutched an arm around himself while the other one kept him from kissing the floor.

"I told you not to make a sound and that starts right now. Do you understand?" Victor was breathing heavily and it was the lack of air that saved him from making the same mistake twice. He wanted to argue with the man that he'd merely been answering a question, but he figured there'd be no reasoning with a man like this. So he swallowed hard and nodded his head. He didn't make a sound.

Again, he was hauled to his feet. The man hid the gun under his leather jacket and his partner put a hand at the back of his neck to guide him. How they thought they wouldn't look suspicious walking down the street like this was beyond him. After all, he was still wearing the clothes he'd slept with, a t-shirt and sweatpants.

As it turned out, the men didn't have to worry if they looked suspicious or not because no one was there to watch them. They descended the stairs without coming across anyone and the people on the street were just too far away to see anything clearly. For all they knew they were seeing three guys getting into a car. It wasn't even a van or an SUV. It was a plain model in a dull color. Completely normal.

What wasn't normal was the amount of fear coursing through Victor's veins at the moment. When once inside the backseat of the car his hands were secured behind his back with a zip tie he lost all hope. 

He wondered why on earth had these people chosen to kidnap him. He didn't have any money, no family to vouch for him or pay a ransom, not really. He was pretty sure his uncle hadn't become suddenly rich with his new job and they hadn't even spoken for more than a year now. 

And then it hit him. _Alex_. 

The car crash had been a first attempt to kill them. Was this the second one?

Victor couldn't help the wave of resentment he was feeling towards the other boy even though it pained him to admit it. If he was being targeted now it had to be because of his involvement with the blond, because of his other life.

Victor had no idea how to actually feel about Alex right now.

The car took them to a construction site that looked more abandonned than not. It was a building that Victor wasn’t sure if it was being demolished or constructed. There were no workers but the place didn’t exactly look run down either. All he could make of it was that the buildings around it looked the same and they were alone in there.

He was guided through the ground floor around some crates and rubble until they reached a door on the first hallway they encountered.

The door was opened and he was lightly shoved inside what looked like a storage closet though it was completely empty. There were no supplies or cabinets, no shelves or furniture, there wasn't even a window.

"Hey" the man with black hair called to him making him turn around to face him "Boo!" Victor flinched involuntarily and his heart jumped in his chest. The man simply laughed and shut the door closed after him.

He was plunged into darkness. He remained rooted to the spot, his breathing tight and fast. He was so on edge that he'd let himself be scared of a children's game. These people were going to have a field trip with him.

After a few minutes though, he walked farther into the room and away from the door careful not to ram into the wall but waiting for his back to come into contact with it to let himself slide all the way down to the floor. He tried not to put too much weight on his tied arms but no matter what position he chose, his shoulders still suffered through the restraints. His wrists were also already irritated by the tight material.

He sighed in relief when no one inmediately came back into the room. He needed some time to collect himself and think about his situation, not that there was actually anything for him to do except wait and pray no one would barge in and hurt him to get whatever the hell they wanted, which Victor had no idea how he could help them get.

He rested his head against the wall and started counting the minutes.

He lost count after 46.

Hours passed and all he knew was that he was thirsty, stiff and hurting. It was when the novelty of being locked inside the storage room had passed that his headache came back to the surface after having been ignored in favor of worrying about guns and scary thugs. The pulsing in his skull came back so viciously that he was sure his vision was blurred though all there was around for him to see was black.

There was a fine slit of light coming from the underside of the door but it was taking forever for his eyes to adjust to the barely there ilumination.

How much time had it been? Did he really want someone barging into the room to do who knew what to him?

But even if the prospect of facing that horrible man again was making his insides want to rebel, the idea of being stuck there forever was worse. What were they planning on doing with him?

As it turned out, he didn’t have to keep waiting all that much to find out.

However calm he’d managed to remain in the hours he spent alone, the moment the sound of rattling keys reached his ears, Victor’s heart renewed its relentless pace. 

_ He _ opened the door and smiled at him devilishly. The man with the black leather jacket and shoulder lenght hair. Victor didn’t know his name, nor did he actually want to because he was pretty sure he wouldn’t forget a smirk like that any time soon. He didn’t need to add the man’s name to his future nightmares.

"Get up" he didn't wait to be ordered twice and with some dificulty he got back on his feet using the wall as support to counter the lack of balance from having his arms tied behind him. He was gestured to walk forward and out of the room but, instead of stepping back and giving him space, the man stayed were he was occupying at least half the threshold. When Victor walked by him he felt chills all over his body. He expected to be hit at any second and having the man at his back now only intensified the feeling. He flinched when a hand was put at the back of his neck to guide him along.

This man looked like he was enjoying his suffering, like making him flinch and threatening him to death was all he got up for in the morning. Victor was ashamed of even admitting to himself that he was scared of the guy.

He was guided to a wider office like room that held nothing but a dusty wooden table pushed to the side of it. The second man that had helped kidnap him was also there, but there was someone else too. A man in a navy blue shirt with the sleeves rolled to his elbows was pacing back and forth apparently waiting for them.

"So this is the boy" said the man to which the other two nodded. Victor noticed the man was joggling his phone from hand to hand.

The person handling his phone so carelessly was different from the other men Victor had had to deal with so far. He looked less intimidating, better dressed and definitely more sophisticated. The two men that had abducted him looked like hired muscle. This man looked like he was in charge. Was this the man who was after Alex? Victor didn’t dare speak his question out loud. The heavy grip at the back of his neck reminding him of the consequences.

“You know Alex Rider, yes?” the man asked. His voice held an accent, Victor would even say it was southamerican, judging by the man’s features, though he failed to see how that knowledge would be of help in his current predicament “Would you say he cares about you? That you’re important to him?” 

Victor remained silent. He was sure the man knew the answer to those questions already. He wouldn’t have sent someone to kidnap him otherwise. But the man looked like he was waiting for an answer, which he would’ve given if the man at his back hadn’t made his point so clear earlier.

But then the hand on his neck moved halfway towards his shoulder where the fingers squeezed a certain point that made Victor shout out and drop to his knees. The pressure was so great he was sure he would’ve dropped completely to the floor if the grip hadn’t prevented it. The man’s hair brushed against the side of his face when he spoke near his ear.

“He asked you a question” he spat between his teeth. Victor released a gasp when the pressure on his shoulder was removed. So he was allowed to talk now? He looked up and glared at the man in charge.

“Yes” he said, his voice carrying just the tiniest bit of anger. He knew there was no room to show an attitude around these people. The man made a hand gesture for him to continue.

“Yes you know him or yes he cares?” Victor hoped it was both.

“I know him” he answered instead. The man nodded and signaled his phone.

“Password?” Victor sighed in resignation. He wouldn’t accomplish anything more than a beating by keeping it a secret. The hand still loosely gripping his shoulder was proof of that. He blurted out the four digit password and watched as the man began going through his phone.

“You know, the thing has been ringing all day. Can you guess who it was?” was this a question he was supposed to answer? He had no clue. The man showed him the screen where he could see a few text messages displayed “Can we talk… I can explain better… please s’more” the man laughed when he finished reading the texts “Well that answers my question” Victor dropped his gaze and looked away. There was no doubt the messages came from Alex. He had reached out. Apparently he had been reaching out all day.

“What do you want?” he didn’t even think before whispering his question. Thankfully no pain followed his slip up.

“Let’s give him a call”

The man put the phone against his ear and waited for the call to go through. Victor felt a light kick on his foot and he looked up at the man behind him. The man put a finger against his lips in the international sign to be quiet. 

So it was back to not talking, he thought with annoyance. The smirk behind the finger was enough to let him know there’d be consequences if he did.

"Not quite" the voice of the man in charge brought his attention back to him. Alex had answered the call "He says hi though" 

Victor wanted to scream out to Alex so bad. It was like an irrational impulse to let him know he was there, to ask for help. He bit his tongue though.

"We'll get to that…We'll also get to that" there was no way of knowing what his boyfriend was saying and Victor could only guess through the half way conversation.

"I see patience is going to be an issue with you, Rider. Or can I call you Alex?" 

_ Rider _ . Everyone kept calling him that.

"He's close by" the man made eye contact with Victor. A small smile playing on his lips "I could but he wouldn't be able to speak through the gag" 

Victor frowned. What gag? He certainly hoped no one would give him one.

"Oh, I could make him scream through it, if you like" this time, Victor could hear a shout coming from the other end of the line. It wasn’t loud enough to actually understand what was said, but the meaning was clear. 

Victor’s breathing fastened a bit. What the man had said was clearly a threat, one that he had no doubt Mr. Leather would love to make true. But it was also a russ. He wasn’t gagged and he wanted Alex to know that they were lying to him, but he didn’t dare break his silence. _They’re manipulating him_.

"First, I want you to not tell anyone about this particular situation. Then, I want us to meet… I'll text you the adress. Be there in half an hour. Remember, no cops, no friends, no uncles or dear little s'more here gets burnt”

_ S’more _ . He had no right to be using that word! That was between Alex and him, he couldn’t just— _half an hour?_ He was going to see Alex in half an hour?

“30 minutes” the man ended the call as if to clarify that yes, he was going to see Alex in half an hour.

Part of him felt guilty at wishing Alex came to the meet, knowing that these people probably just wanted to kill him and be done with it, but the other part, the scared-out-of-his-mind part needed to see him, to see anyone other than the men trying to hurt Alex and hurting him in the process as well.

For a second there, Victor feared they were going to trick the other boy by not even taking him to the place they’d set up the meeting at, but an order from the man who had spoken to Alex made his two thugs drag him to the same car used to bring him here.

Whatever small relief he’d felt at tagging along died quickly when he remembered what they actually wanted Alex for. They wanted to kill him and they were using him to lure him to their arms.

Then his thoughts went back to that morning, when he was kidnapped in the first place.

The men hadn’t covered their faces, they hadn’t covered his eyes on the way to the building. He didn’t know their names but he knew what they looked like.

Victor wasn’t naive. He’d seen the movies and he’d read the books. More importantly, he’d seen the news. He knew a really high porcentage of kidnap cases never turned out well for the victim.

No matter what these people wanted, whether Alex showed up or not, they were going to kill him either way. He was going to die.

_ I’m gonna die _ .


	8. There’s no need for such drastic measures

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter broke my heart a little bit... you’ll see what I mean.
> 
> WARNINGS: there’s a brief mention of suicide. It’s brief but blunt so proceed with caution.
> 
> Other than that: enjoy!

The taxi cab drove away after Alex handed the money to its driver, not even bothering to wait for the change and just slamming the door with barely a word of gratitude. Alex didn’t care. His mind was already on the building in front of him.

He was in a busy street, lots of peope making their way in and out of the buildings around him. So far he could tell it wasn’t a residential area, more like a bussiness one. The buildings were tall and windows were equally and monotonously spaced between them, giving away the offices they held behind them. There was even a bank or two down the street.

The message hadn’t been terribly specific, it had just read the address of the building Alex was currently staring at but the blond wasn’t sure if he was supposed to walk in or wait outside. He tried calling Vict’s phone for more instructions but the call went unanswered.

There were barely five minutes left on the clock and the half hour mark for his arrival.

Where were they? He thought.

He decided to enter the building and at least explore the entrance hall.

There were more people going out than in at this hour of the day, which is why he assumed the man on the phone wanted to meet there, though as far as hidden and more strategically located places went, he couldn’ve chosen somewhere better to meet.

Was that a good or a bad thing for Alex? He’d have to wait to find out.

No one there seemed to be paying much attention to him. He was looking for someone to make eye contact with, someone who wanted to get his attention maybe, but nothing and no one stood out. Nobody was waiting for him here.

Then his phone buzzed.

_ *Parking lot. 5th level* _

Alex read the text and then scanned the crowd around him again. Did someone have eyes on him? Maybe someone was monitoring the cameras. He got the feeling that he wasn’t dealing with amateurs. If they’d chosen such a public area to set up the meeting then they were confident things would play out in their favor. That wasn’t good for him.

He casually stroded to the door that led to the stairs. If someone had indeed eyes on him, he better not look desperate or out of control. He had to avoid the moment where the bad guy inevitably saw through his facade as long as possible.

When he was on the second level of the underground parking lot his phone only showed two bars of reception. By the time he reached the fifth level, there was no signal at all.

Smart, he thought.

There weren’t many vehicles parked on thatl evel, which lowered the risk of being interrupted by any workers meaning to put another day’s work behind them. What exactly they wouldn’t interrupt, Alex wasn’t sure.

“Alright” he called out loud, walking further into the place “I’m here”

He felt stupid talking to no one in particular, but he didn’t have all night and it was just a matter of time before Eagle noticed him gone or Ben went back home and noticed the same. He was surprised at how long he’d already managed to get away with it.

He spun around when the door he’d just come from opened with a rattling noise and his heart stopped when he saw Vict walking through it, arms obviously tied behind him. His stomach all but dropped to the floor when the person leading him forward was holding a gun to his side.

Alex reacted on instinct, reaching for his own weapon in the split of a second and taking his stance. Right hand with a finger on the trigger, left hand keeping it steady from beneath, feet slightly apart and the weight of his body leaning forward, ready for action.

He took a step forward.

“Let him go” he ordered, not that he expected the other man to just surrender.

“That’s far enough” someone else called halting his approach. Another two men walked through the door in that instant and Alex’s aim shifted slightly towards the new threat. They appeared to be unarmed so his focus went back to the inminet threat against his boyfriend, the man holding a gun to his side.

Speaking of his boyfriend, Alex spared a moment of his attention to assest his condition. He didn’t look hurt at first sight, though that was no warranty of other injuries hidden from view. His posture was rigid and he was trying to put as much distance as he could between himself and the weapon at his side. He was also staring at Alex with wide and wild eyes. Maybe it was a pleading look, begging for him to get him out of there, or maybe it was surprise at seeing Alex holding a gun of his own and looking like he knew how to use it.

“Let him go” he repeated, though he didn’t take a step further. Would he risk shooting the man holding Vict so close to him? Would he even risk shooting a gun in front of Vict at all?

“Drop the gun” it was the better dressed man who was doing all the talking on their part. Alex recognized his voice as the one he’d spoken to on the phone.

“Not a chance” he was proud of the sassiness in his voice. Fake it until you make it, right?

“My friend here has been itching all day to put a bullet inside him. Don’t make me ask again” this was the moment Alex had been dreading. He knew he wasn’t going to be able to stand against them much longer, not when Vict’s life was on the line. That was the whole purpose of gaining leverage over someone by threatening their loved ones. He had come to the meeting hoping he’d be able to rescue Vict away from them. He wouldn’t be able to do that weaponless. 

He made eye contact with Vict, now _that_ was a pleading look.

“Marcus” the man called and the next thing he knew, Vict’s legs were kicked from behind him and he dropped to his knees, the gun pressing into the back of his head. The barely contained whimper of fear that came from him made Alex want to die.

“Okay! Wait! Just… okay” he lowered his gun slightly and looked between Marcus and the man calling the shots. He was met by a deadly glare from the man.

“Put. The. Gun. Down” Alex did and that was the end of it. Now they were both at their mercy “Kick it away” he sent the weapon skidding to the side and held his hands palm out in front of him.

“Just let him go” they didn’t, but at least he managed to have the gun removed from his boyfriend’s head. Alex could see that Vict was shaking and was now silently staring at the floor. It broke Alex’s heart.

“Are you wearing any wires?” Alex shook his head.

“No one knows I’m here, just like you asked”

“You don’t mind if I check that, do you?”

“What?” it didn’t dawn on him until the man nodded towards the only person who hadn’t uttered a word apart from Vict and the third man of the party walked forward.

Alex’s eyes widened and he gasped, taking a step back.

_ No _ .

“You lied” the man in charge accused at his reaction but Alex shook his head again.

“I’m not wearing any wires, I promise!” he was silently begging the man to believe him.

“Then stay still” the third man spat in front of him and Alex bit his lip. The man kept coming.

_ No, no, don’t touch, don’t touch me, nonono. _

The hands reached him and Alex couldn’t breathe. He screwed his eyes shut and held back the scream that threatened to rip out of his lungs. The man began to pat him down, making him elevate his arms away from his body so he could touch everywhere. 

_ Breathe, come on, breathe! _

He felt the hands patting down each leg from the hips to the ankles, probably looking for any concealed weapon as well. Alex forced himself to open his eyes. He couldn’t afford to lose awareness of his surroundings but it was hard not to crawl inside himself and try to dissappear. For a moment, he locked eyes with Vict, who had taken his eyes off the floor in favor of staring in horror at the search this man was carrying out so throughoutly. The man even went as far as pulling up his sweater to confirm he had no wires attached to his chest. That’s when Alex couldn’t stand it any longer and slapped the hand away, risking even pushing the guy away from him.

“I’m not wired!” he spat hotly, trying to regain his sense of control.

The man in charge was giving him an odd look, definitely puzzled by his reaction and Alex could do nothing more than hope he wouldn’t get any ideas or that he hadn’t given these people another weapon to use against him. He needed to get the man back on topic.

“You wanted me, now you got me. Let Victor go”

“I need you to do something for me first” he supposed he should’ve expected that. If all they wanted was to kill him as repercussion against his uncle, then there were easier ways to do it. He had been sniped once before already. What was another attempt, right? Going through the trouble of kidnaping someone meant there was an agenda, an agenda they wanted Alex to complete.

“What is it?”

“When we hit you the other night, we weren't trying to kill you" the man began, not really answering Alex's question "We wanted to flush your uncle out. We did" he concluded. Alex thought they definitely had a funny way of _not_ trying to kill someone.

"Then what else do you want?" while they talked, Alex glanced constantly a Vict from the corner of his eye. He got the impression Vict was looking at him differently, considering the circumstances of course, almost as if he didn't know him. The blond tried not to let his emotional guard down though. He had a mission to fulfill.

"When he double crossed us" he continued and Alex almost rolled his eyes at the lack of a direct response to any of his questions. The man was on a roll "Your uncle stole something from me and I need it back”

“What makes you think he still has it?” because as far as Alex knew, Ian might have already delivered to MI6 whatever he’d stolen from this guy.

“Let’s say it’s in your best interest that he has it” the man answered glancing at Vict to drive his point across. Alex’s anger spiked up.

“Why not take me, then? It’s my uncle, you could’ve been dealing with him directly”

“Because, see, you're properly motivated to get me what I want. Your uncle wouldn't have been” the blond fell silent for a moment. That was a low punch, and Alex stared at the casualness with which this man was talking about such a sensitive subject for him “I did my research on him, and you, after he betrayed me. He mustn’t have cared about you all that much when he left you, so there was no warranty he'd come to your rescue if we took you” despite everything, Alex didn’t think the man was saying those things to hurt him, he was just explaining his reasoning and stating the facts. Facts Alex himself had already concluded. That didn’t make it hurt any less though. What it did do, was let him know that this man knew enough about his past to talk about Ian faking his death. Was it possible they knew about his own involvement with MI6? Alex hoped not, that way he’d have an advantage on the situation, which was the way people always underestimated him for being young.

“If I get you what you want, how can I be sure you’ll let him go?” 

“You have my word. And you don’t really have any other choice” he wasn’t about to trust a bad guy’s word, but something was better than nothing he guessed.

“You have to promise you won’t hurt him. Nothing, not even a scratch on him. This isn’t his fault”

“Keep your end of the deal and I won’t have to” Alex looked at Vict, still kneeling on the floor, and the way his body was angled as far away from the man behind him as possible. Alex got the feeling _he_ was the one he should be worried about hurting his boyfriend. Alex sighed. He’d known from the beginning that he’d have to accept whatever he was asked to do.

“I’ll do it. I’ll get you what you want just… don’t hurt him” he allowed a tiny bit of vulnerability to show through his eyes in a pleading look. Maybe this man would also keep his end of the deal and not hurt Vict, at least not until Alex got him what he wanted and he killed them both either way. There was no doubt about that, but he'd worry about it when the time came.

“Deal. I’ll be in contact if anything changes” the man said, a triumphant look on his face “Remember to keep this between us. Don’t give me a reason to kill him” Alex nodded in understanding and the man turned to his partner “Pack him”

Vict was hauled to his feet and Alex was able to see the desperate look on his face before his strangled voice reached his ears.

“No, no. Alex!” he was being dragged away, still at gunpoint except the gun was forcefully jabbed into his side the minute he spoke. Alex wanted nothing more than to go after him but he forced himself to stay rooted to the spot. He called out to him though.

“I’ll get you out of this! I promise!” one last pleading look.

“Alex, please!” Alex’s heart broke for the millionth time that day and he was almost shaking with the effort of staying still.

“Oh… endearing” the blond glared dangerously at the man once Vict dissappeared from view and the only ones left in the parking lot were the two of them “Send me a text”

“What?”

“Send a text to Victor’s phone. Wait 15 minutes after we leave. When I get the message I’ll know you have a signal again. Chase us and he’s as good as dead” Alex nodded sharply. Again, he figured he wasn’t dealing with amateurs. As it was, the fact Ian’s undercover mission had taken him six years should have been his first clue.

The man turned around and Alex was left alone once more. Before his mind got lost on his rolling emotions, he used the sharpness he’d managed to maintain during the whole meeting to send the text that would bind him to the parking lot for another 15 minutes.

He wasn’t sure how much longer he’d manage to remain calm. He was scared of his own reaction once it sunk in that he hadn’t been able to save Vict and that he was still at the mercy of whoever that man had been. Alex hadn’t even gotten a name.

He’d just been dealt a mission he wasn’t even sure he could do. Stealing from his uncle? In order to do that he would first have to face him and he wasn’t so sure if he was going to survive that at all.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

As soon as he had enough signal, his phone began to buzz uncontrollably, messages and notifications piling up on top of each other. None of them were from Vict’s phone.

He winced at the amount of missed calls displayed on the screen. Eleven, and those were just the calls from Eagle. Ben’s number wasn’t that different.

_ *Where are you* _

_ *Where did you go?* _

_ *Alex, answer the phone!* _

He sighed. He dialed Ben’s number while he made his way towards the closest bus stop.

“ _Are you okay?_ ” was the first thing that left Ben’s mouth upon answering the call. Alex didn’t know how to answer that.

“I’m on my way back. Don’t worry”

“ _Don’t worry!? Do you have any idea—!_ ”

“Ben, quit yelling” Alex interrupted him, his voice monotone and tight. Something in it was definitely odd because Ben inmediately dropped his tone.

“ _Where are you?_ ”

“On my way back. I’ll explain everything” would he? He hadn’t quite decided yet.

Ben tried to coax more information out of him but he thwarted the attempt. A bus was coming and though it wouldn’t get him all the way home, it would shorten the distance he’d have to walk.

Once he’d finally gotten his brother to end the call, he climbed up and found a spot at the back. The ride would take him about 20 minutes, plenty of time to organize his thoughts and make a decision. He could either ask for help or undertake the mission alone.

The mere thought of having a mission sent shivers down his spine.

He had to walk at least another 20 minutes before finally making it home. By the time he did, it was already 9:00 p.m.

Alex took his time opening the door to the apartment, leaning against the wall and still weighting his options: to tell the truth or not. He supposed in his heart he already knew the answer and he was just delaying the inevitable.

He opened the door.

The first thing he saw was Eagle staring daggers at him. He never thought it’d be possible to see such an expression on the soldier’s face. He was wrong. Ben wasn't far behind him, coming out of the hallway that led to their rooms. 

"Before you say anything—"

"Three hours. You've been gone for three hours" it Eagle who spoke first.

"I know, I—"

"I thought maybe someone had gotten to you but then I would've heard something"

"I was—"

"And Fox was still MIA, so I went out looking for you. Almost even called Snake and Wolf to get them ready in case they had to come all the way here"

Eagle was fuming and wouldn't even let him get a word out in between accusations. Alex was getting tired of how many fights he'd had this week.

Ben put a hand on Eagle's shoulder and the man stood down a bit. Now, if you didn't know Eagle, behind all the jokes and annoying habits, he could be pretty intimidating.

"Where did you go?" Ben asked, obviously making an effort to remain calm. Alex couldn't help feeling like a little kid getting lectured for misbehaving and he didn't like it one bit. He wasn't a little kid anymore.

"I went out to—"

"Because I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation, otherwise you wouldn't have disregarded our security measures" _security measures? Okay,_ they needed to bring their paranoia levels down a few notches. _Says you_ , he thought sarcastically at himself.

"There is—"

"Tell me you weren't sneaking up to—"

"For fuck's sake!" Alex blurted out, frustrated by their overwhelming questioning that wouldn't even let him finish a sentence. He decided to be blunt about it.

He reached for the waistband of his jeans and took the gun out of its hiding place. He had made sure to retrieve it once the bad guys had left the building.

He approached the dining table and let it drop heavily on it, attracting Ben's and Eagle's eyes towards it.

"I need your help" he asked to both of them. 

During the silence that followed, Alex tried to gauge their expressions. Eagle's was plain confused. Ben's was a little bit more complex than that.

He tried to reassure himself that asking for help was the right thing to do. He was in no condition to be plotting against Ian, a man he honestly couldn't say if he wanted to hug or tackle the next time he saw him. 

Ben took a step towards the table.

“Alex, tell me you didn’t…” but he trailed off.

“Didn’t what?” Alex asked confused for a moment.

“Look, I’m sure everything will turn out okay with Victor. There’s no need for such drastic measures. Every relationship has bumps in the road, Al. Please tell me you understand that” for a moment there, Alex thought Ben had somehow figured out what was going on with Vict, but then his own eyes traveled between the gun and Ben's worried expression and it hit him. He frowned and released a huff.

“You’re unbelievable” he said “I wasn’t going to kill myself with it” he could tell he’d shocked both Ben and Eagle with his blunt statement, specially the young soldier who seemed to be having trouble picturing him and the thought of suicide in the same sentence.

“Listen, I know things have been hectic lately with your uncle and—”

“No, you listen to me!” Alex spat, interrupting what was surely a summary of everything that was wrong in his life right now “For God’s sake Ben, you need to stop watching my every move just waiting for me to do something like that. It gets on my nerves! I understand where you’re coming from and that I scared you back then but how do you expect me to get over it completely if you keep reminding me of it? If I was going to kill myself, I would’ve done it years ago, not now that I have so much to live for. So please, just stop” he gulped a deep breath and took a step backwards as if shocked at his own words. He felt he’d just released a preasure bomb that had been building inside his chest for a really long time now. It wasn’t small the number of times he’d thought about having this conversation with his brother before, he’d just wished it hadn’t happened so inconveniently in the middle of another crisis.

“Wait a minute, you tried to kill yourself?”

“No!” he yelled at Eagle. They didn’t understand, no one could understand. He’d never tried to kill himself, he’d just lost the will of living for a while. It wasn’t quite the same… _was it?_

He ran a hand through his hair and sighed with exhasperation. Ben had gone quiet after his heated accusation and Alex sent a pleading look his way. He didn’t have time to deal with this right now.

“Ben—”

“You’re right” his brother admited, somehow making Alex’s chest feel tighter than before “You did scare me, and I don’t know if you remember it but I do. Every day for weeks, for months, it was a struggle to get you out of your room, out of bed. You didn’t want to talk to anyone and the nightmares wouldn’t let you sleep” Alex’s heart was beating in his throat now “I won’t apologize for keeping an eye on you and I certainly won’t apologize for caring enough to ask you about it. But I get what you’re saying”

Alex’s eyes felt suspiciously hot and when he glanced at Eagle, his cheeks flushed a little. He could tell the other man was uncomfortable with the turn the conversation had taken and he wasn’t the only one. They were good friends, but Alex wasn’t comfortable himself with the soldier hearing them talk about one of his lowest moments. 

He turned his attention back to Ben though. 

Sometimes he forgot how much family could hurt, and he wasn’t thinking about people dying, like Jack or Ian. Family hurts because family is supposed to love you enough to tell you the truth and sometimes the truth hurt.

He cleared his throat but settled with sending a nod Ben’s way. The older man seemed to accept it and they both called a silent truce.

“Now, tell me what’s going on” he prompted and Alex was glad they were back on track.

“They have Victor” he replied trying not to choke on the words.

“Who?” Eagle quietly asked, talking as if he was tiptoeing around a bomb. He supposed he deserved the caution.

“The people Ian infiltrated. I don’t really know who they are but they _have_ him” Alex let himself drop on one of the chairs from the dining table “I saw him and they’ll kill him unless I get them what they want” 

"Which is?" up until that point, he hadn’t realized he didn’t even know exactly what they wanted. The thing he was supposed to get from Ian. He told Ben and Eagle as much.

Alex replayed the whole encounter with Vict’s captors in his mind so he could walk Eagle and Ben through it, starting with the first phone call he’d received and the instructions of not telling anyone about it. He apologized to Eagle after that.

“I brought the gun for protection. I thought maybe I could rescue Vict myself but they had complete control over the situation. I couldn’t risk it. I was outnumbered and I haven’t done this in a while. I… I couldn’t get him and I let them take him again because I couldn’t—” he gasped and started driving his right thumb into his palm. Ben’s eyes followed the movement.

“How did you know where the gun was?” he asked, not in an accusatory manner but in a curious one. Alex shrugged.

“I’ve always known”

They fell silent again after that.

Alex was worried they'd tell him there was nothing they could do. That Ian had probably already given what he'd stolen to MI6. That the three of them weren't enough to get Vict out of their grip. That he was as good as dead.

They didn't.

Eagle came closer to the table as well and patted him on the shoulder a few times. The blond also interpreted it as a sign that they were okay.

“I guess there’s only one thing to do now” said Eagle, clasping his hands together and offering Alex a determined look “To get whatever it is they want from your uncle. And we’re gonna help you do that" the blond's lungs deflated with relief and he stopped worrying his hands in order to run them up and down his face a few times.

“I have to find out what it is first” he had the feeling the man who kidnapped Vict expected him to find out on his own. He would’ve given him details otherwise.

With the feeling that he was being forced to rush a reunion he wasn’t quite ready for, he spoke the words he never thought he’d have to use ever again.

“I have to talk to my uncle”


	9. I’m gonna need years of therapy after this

Someone knocked on his open bedroom door and Alex took his eyes off his phone to see Ben leaning on the doorway.

"He agreed" his brother stated and made his way further into the room to sit by his side on the bed. Alex let out a sigh of relief and nodded in acknowledgement. Ben put a hand on his shoulder "How are you holding up?" he shrugged and continued to stare at his phone. 

"Okay, I guess. Considering"

"We're gonna get him back. Eagle's already working on Plan B" Alex remained silent for a minute and then answered as if he hadn't heard Ben's comment.

"He's gonna hate me after this" he said with conviction. The picture of the two of them smiling at the camera that he'd set up as wallpaper on his screen almost a year ago was staring back at him tauntingly. Vict's eyes that day had been filled with joy and freedom. Alex hadn't seen that today on the other boy's face.

"He hasn't hated you for anything yet" Ben answered but Alex could tell the man had his doubts. It would be foolish to entertain the hope that his relationship with Vict would ever be the same after this, if he was even alive in a few days to begin with. The thought of having to bury the person he... He rubbed at his tired eyes and looked at Ben.

"When is it?" he asked, not wanting his mind to get stuck on what would happen if they failed. He wanted to remain focused and driven.

"Tomorrow morning. At ten. It was the earliest I could get him to be there" ' _there_ ' was the location they'd chosen after careful deliberation at dinner between almost forced bites of food that Ben insisted he took. It was Eagle who had suggested the spot, the Gateshead Millenium Bridge. Eagle had argued that from a strategic point of view, the place was neutral ground for everyone. 

The first part of their plan was simple: to meet with Ian and get the awkward and emotional reunion out of the way. The other part was even easier and yet, it was the one Alex was sure wouldn't work. It all depended on whatever information Ian decided to give them.

He locked the screen of his phone and held his hands between his legs. He leaned just a tiny bit into Ben’s embrace, just enough to rest his head on the older man’s shoulder. His neck was still bothering him some from the crash and the fact he was tense and felt knotted all over wasn’t helping any.

“Where did you dissappear to all day?”

“I wanted to talk to ‘6 and hear about their plan to clean up this mess. They kept putting me off. Couldn’t even get a hold of Mrs. Jones. I got to talk with Ian though”

“What did he say?”

“He wasn’t terribly straightforward about his mission or where he’d been all these years. Besides, I figured you should be the one he explains everything to. I also reminded him he had to wait for you to reach out” he paused and Alex nodded. It made sense “We talked about how he's not here to take you away”

“He said that?” that was something they really didn’t need to worry about. With him being an adult, Ian didn’t have any kind of claim over him. He certainly couln’t take him away.

“I did" Alex arched his eyebrows. It was strange that Ben had felt the need to clarify that to his uncle. Then he frowned and straightened to stare at his brother.

“I wouldn’t go with him” he stated without hesitation, which seemed to be what Ben needed to hear to reassure himself because he smiled in relief.

“That's good to hear” then his expression turned sort of apologetic “I also gave him a few pointers on how to handle the situation”

“Because I might have a nervous breakdown?" Ben shrugged his shoulders as if to say: _can you blame me?_ Alex guessed he couldn't.

“I just told him to thread carefully. Things are already complicated as they are and you need to be civil as well” the blond gaped.

“Me!?”

“Yes, you! We need him to cooperate so don’t hit him until we get what we need” Alex thought it was just a little funny how Ben wasn’t forbidding him to hurt the man, he was just asking him to delay what he sure thought was inevitable.

“I'll try”

“You should get some sleep” Ben said at the same time he pushed himself off the bed. Alex snorted inwardly knowing full well sleep would be the last thing he’d manage that day.

He did change out of his clothes and at least attempted to rest his eyes. He made sure to keep his phone at top volume in case Vict's kidnapper reached out again. He’d spent the last hour staring at the thing hoping it would both ring and stay silent at the same time. That man reaching out couldn't mean good news for anybody, but he’d kept hope he’d at least get proof that Vict was still alive.

He had to be. The man wouldn’t risk losing his leverage until he got what he wanted, something Alex would do anything to get even if it meant selling out his uncle to do it.

The thought was neither pleasant nor reassuring, and Alex eventually fell asleep hoping he’d find a solution that wouldn’t involve losing anybody else in his life.

That was unlikely.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 

"You're gonna rub the skin raw" Ben said but didn't reach out to stop him.

The blond had been obsessively digging his thumb into the palm of his left hand for the better part of ten minutes, which is how long ago they'd arrived at the bridge. The inminence of his uncles's arrival weighting deeply into his stomach.

Alex was leaning on the railing, his forearms digging into it while his hands continued to be restlessly in motion. Ben was leaning next to him, his hip connected to the railing and his arms crossed at chest level. He was keeping an eye out for anything suspicious, something Alex should’ve been doing too but the blond was too preocupied with staring at the water below them.

"You know I'm gonna need years of therapy after this, right?" he commented. For not being a joke, Ben sure laughed at his words. Alex didn’t think it was funny. _I'll be lucky if I even get out of this alive_. 

"You'll be fine" did he believe that? Did Alex? 

People continued to walk up and down the bridge. For being summer, there weren’t as many tourists as Alex thought there’d be. He envied them and their blissful ignorance. They didn’t know they were about to witness a meeting between two ex spies and a resurrected one. They had no idea someone’s life hung in the balance and they had no clue about the war currently wreacking havoc inside him. Alex envied them alright.

Suddenly Ben's demeanor changed and he straightened up away from the railing.

"Head's up" he warned and Alex turned his head to stare in the direction Ben had signaled. Sure enough, Ian was making his way towards them, his stride casual and unhurried. 

Alex's heart caught in his throat.

He didn't remember much of the night Ian had ambushed him at the hospital and the details were more than a little fuzzy, the pain and confusion of that night blurring his memory. But he did have his uncle's image commited to memory. Fourteen years of being just the two of them, and Jack, had made sure of that.

As he approached, Alex studied the man he'd grew up with but that now felt like a complete stranger to him. Ian was wearing a pair of khaki pants and a black polo shirt unbuttoned at the neck which made him look like a perfect combination between casual and sophisticated, something he'd always set to achieve when they went traveling together. If he didn't know any better, Alex would almost believe he'd gone back in time.

Ian raised his hand, a half wave that let them know he had spotted them too.

As he continued to step closer, Alex could better appreciate the differences between this Ian and the Ian from his childhood. Almost everybody was taller than Alex, something the blond was secretely a bit self-conscious about, and though Ian was still a bit taller than him, he looked shorter than Alex remembered. He also seemed tired as if run down by the years passing by. Time didn't pass by when you were dead.

Suddenly, and finally, something as simple as the wrinckles around his uncle's eyes made the thought of him being alive completely sink in. The man who had raised him and loved him his whole life was _alive_ and he was just a few feet away.

Images of his childhood began to assault him with every step he took.

Alex running around the house, Ian chasing after him with his school uniform. The blond wanted to skip school and stay home with him because he'd just come back from a two week business trip. _Alexander John Rider get over here this instant!_ He may have been six or seven years old.

Them staying up way past his bed time to play cards on the living room with the muted TV in the background. _If you win the next one, you can have sweets for breakfast._ Ian never let him win.

' _Alex, pack a bag. We're going skiing next week'_

_ 'What about school?' _

_ 'I'll write you a note' _

Every phone call to check in while he was away. _How's your trip uncle Ian? Boring. Will you make it back in time for my game? I'll try Alex._

He reacted on instinct. The minute Ian was within reach, Alex jumped forward. Ben made a grab for him, believing he was about to assault the other man, but he wasn’t fast enough or maybe he realized what Alex’s intentions were before the blond could even do so himself. Alex flung himself into Ian, latching his arms behind his back and squeezing for all he was worth.

Ian was alive. He was alive!

His uncle staggered back with the strength of the embrace but as soon as he recovered, he placed his arms around Alex as well. The blond buried his face in the older man’s shoulder and tightened his fists even more. He even _smelled_ the same. His eyes watered and burned with the effort of keeping his emotions in check.

God… it had been so many years since he’d last hugged his uncle, not knowing it was going to be the last time and not knowing then that he’d get another chance because his uncle wasn’t dead. After six long years, he was here.

Six years that, for the most part, had been hell, filled with pain and sorrow and uncertainty.

_ Six years _ .

Alex ended the hug abruptly, dislodging himself from the now stranger in front of him and pushing him away with a hard shove.

“You bastard!” he yelled around the lump in his throat that made his voice break at the end. He also shrugged the hand Ben put on his shoulder to remind him he needed to be civil and paying no mind to the curious stares he’d attracted from the people walking by them. Ian regained his balance and regarded him seemingly unfazed by his outburst.

“I guess I deserve that” the way he talked, so calm and collected made Alex see red.

“You deserve so much more than that” he spat venomously "How could you do that to me?" the man took his time to answer, roaming his eyes up and down Alex as if he too couldn't believe they were face to face.

"It wasn't my intention to be gone for so long" he finally admitted but the simple statement wasn't enough to satisfy Alex's burning need to know more. To know why.

"And what were you expecting to do? Come back from the dead after the mission was over? How long did you figure it would take, one week, two? Why did you take the mission in the first place? Couldn't they have sent somebody else?" the questions kept firing themselves out as if they had a mind of their own, sensing that the only person who could actually answer them was right in front of him.

"I was going to tell you the truth about me after I came back. That's why I decided it wouldn't be such a big deal. I just never got the chance and I had already agreed" 

"Oh, because why not? Let's abandon my nephew to fend for himself while I play James Bond and go save the world from a bad man" Alex said mockingly. 

"Try to keep your voice down" Ian warned, lowering his own voice. Alex hadn't even noticed he'd been talking so loudly. To him it felt like it was just the two of them in a time capsule. No one else existed. Nothing else mattered. 

"They didn't waste their time you know. Recruited me right after the funeral. Was that part of your plan too? To make me a spy and give me mission after mission after mi—” 

"Stop yelling about it" his uncle hissed while he glanced around checking no one was paying them much attention. Alex was outraged.

"Don't you dare chastise me! I was fourteen! What did you think was going to happen to me?" the other man took a step closer to try and keep the conversation between them but Alex instinctively took a step back until he bumped into Ben. He stayed there.

"I didn't expect the operation to last longer than a year" Ian continued to explain. Alex wasn't sure he could read whatever emotion had flashed in his uncle's eyes at his retreating step. He'd never been that good at reading the man in the first place. Now the task seemed impossible at best "Things got complicated and since—” he stopped himself and seemed to think of a better way to phrase that. Alex didn't let him though.

"Since you were already dead, you mean?" he asked unnecesarily. Since Alex had already suffered through the loss, what did it matter if he just stayed gone? The blond had to hand it to him, that was one smart way of setting himself free of the responsability of raising a child. He crossed his arms in front of his chest "Do you have any idea how things went sideways after that? How they used me?" 

"I didn't want them to bring you in so early" to his credit, he did sound sincere but there was just no way for Alex to know for sure.

"It's not like you were around to stop them, were you?" was that a low blow? Alex didn’t think so.

"I didn't mean for you to suffer that much” the blond had time to think there were a lot of _I didn’t mean to’s_ in his uncle’s speech before he couldn’t hold it any longer and exploded.

"You didn't mean to?" he asked unbelievingly "You left me alone!"

"I left you with Jack" Ian corrected but Alex wouldn't be deterred.

"Then you can agree that you left me” there was a tense pause after that in which Alex tried to slow his breathing and Ian studied him with stoic eyes. Ian had always been so damn calm.

"I understand that right now there aren't going to be right answers for any of your questions" Alex snorted.

"Where did you read that? Psychology 101: how to handle your stranged and pissed off nephew?" Ian shrugged.

"I've never been too good with words"

"That's an understatement" Alex barked with a bitter laugh.

"And you've always been too cocky for your own good" he could've been imagining things, but he thought he heard a note of pride in his uncle's voice. Well, he had no business being proud of anything right now and he was going to eloquently let him know that.

"And you've—!”

"Alex..." it always worked like a charm. Whenever Ben used that tone on him, he just knew he had to calm down. He turned to look at his brother "We should get back on topic" _Right_. Why did he lose sight of that? There were more important things to deal with right now than his feelings. He turned back to Ian and forced himself to take a deep breath.

"You told Ben there were people after me?" his uncle seemed momentarily perplexed by the change of topic, or maybe the puzzled look he was giving them was him trying to figure out Alex and Ben’s interaction. He cleared his throat and nodded.

"I was worried there might be repercussions against you once my identity was discovered. It turns out I was right"

"I want to know everything about him" Alex stated, his demeanor all business like now. 

"Him?"

"Yes, him. They. Whoever they are, I want to know" when he was younger, he never would’ve dared talking to his uncle like that, much less ordering him around. 

"We're not having that conversation on a bridge" Ian said, not to him but to Ben. Had he figured out Alex would only listen to reason if it came from Ben?

"Maybe some place else" his brother oh so helpfully supplied. Alex turned to him again.

"Where then? Do you suggest we bring him home and discuss about it over tea?" because wouldn’t that be a lovely picture, he thought ironically.

"Or we could go to my place" Ian offered, making Alex arch his eyebrows.

"You moved here?"

"Temporarily” he replied and waited a beat before continung “I'm staying in a flat downtown" Alex didn’t know what to say. He could understand they needed privacy, but privacy meant more room to talk about the things they were forbidden to talk about out in the open "I understand if you're reluctant to welcome me into your home, but this is something better discussed elsewhere" Ian was right, Alex didn’t want his uncle to invade a place that was supposed to be safe for him, so he guessed there was no other way than to accept his offer. He sighed.

"I don't want MI6 to be there. No Jones, no Crawley. No one" because having _them_ around would only make things worse. 

"They won't. It'll just be you and me" Ben cleared his throat at that, sending Ian a pointed look that made the other man bow his head in acknowledgement "Of course" he added, extending his invitation to him as well.

Alex glanced between Ben and Ian. They were staring at each other with something resembling challenge in their eyes. The blond gulped and averted his eyes for as long as the staring contest lasted, which wasn’t more than a few seconds, but a few seconds were enough for him to witness something he wasn’t sure he wanted to get caught in the middle of: a war.

He took a step closer to Ben. If he did that on purpose, consciously or not, he didn’t realize it.

"Let's go then" he stated, breaking the tension that had fallen between the three of them. Ian nodded and turned around.

“This way”

They followed.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 

Alex avoided meetting eyes with Ben during the whole way to Ian's place. The last thing he needed was anyone asking him if he was alright. It's not like he could afford to be anything other than alright right now anyway. Vict was counting on that. 

Ian was leading the way while the two of them followed, Alex never losing sight of his uncle's back. Boy was that a bizarre feeling. When he was a kid, Ian used to make him walk in front of him, trusting him to remember the way to anywhere and just giving directions when he was about to take a wrong turn. He hadn't realized until now that it had also been part of his training.

The flat his uncle was staying at was within walking distance from the bridge and Alex spent the entire time forcing his emotions to remain locked. 

It wasn't until they arrived at the four story building that Alex's brain stopped torturing him with images from his past.

_ Think about Vict _ , he reminded himself. He was the only one that mattered now.

Ian's flat was on the last floor. When they arrived, Alex was taken aback by the decoration. The place couldn’t have been less like his uncle even if he’d tried. The decoration was old. Dark wooden cupboards adorned the walls, a stained carpet covered the floor from wall to wall and the couch looked like something straight out of a history book. He remembered his uncle’s taste being much more modern and simple. For a brief moment, Alex wondered about the person Ian was renting the apartment from. Then they were motioned to gather on the livingroom.

Ian must have known that there was no need for pleasantries or that any offer of hospitality would be met with denial. The general mood of the situation did’t call for a social tea party. So instead of sitting together around the small white table on the right, Ian leant against a cupboard, his ankles crossed in a seemingly relaxed manner, Ben sat at the edge of the couch in front of him with his forearms on his knees and his hands clasped together, and Alex remained standing, roaming the place with inquisitive eyes.

Alex kept studying the apartment while Ian was studying him, no doubt waiting for him to take the lead in the conversation, except the blond wasn’t sure how to proceed.

The second part of their plan, the one Alex was sure wasn’t going to work, was to simply ask his uncle for help, but they’d agreed they’d try to find out more about the people holding Vict before doing so.

Seeing as Alex wasn’t making the first move, Ben did.

“When you first came to me, you said you needed to warn Alex about possible repercussions against him. Then the accident happ—”

“Not an accident” Alex felt the need to clarify. An accident wouldn’t have landed them in their current situation.

“The crash happened” Ben amended “You must know who did it” Ian nodded.

“Carlos Villanueva” when he heard the name, Alex thought they were finally making some progress. At least now he could name two of the men who had taken his boyfriend "He's the head of an organization stationed in Warwick”

“Okay, what was your mission about?” Ben continued to ask. The more they knew, the better. But apparently Ian had other ideas in mind. His uncle regarded Ben with somewhat cold eyes.

“You know we’re not allowed to discuss missions between coworkers, much less with former ones”

“Right, and since you’re such a dedicated spy” Alex retorted, breaking his silence and reclaiming Ian's attention. It’s not like he didn’t know about that rule. Most of his missions had been clasiffied to anyone other than the heads of MI6, and Ben never gave him details on the ones he worked on at the beginning of their relationship.

“I try to follow the rules”

“And how do you expect me to protect myself if I don’t know what to look out for?” personally, Alex didn’t care much about following the rules. He and Ben had talked enough about their missions to be considered a violation of the Official Secrets Acts. He guessed he shouldn’t expect his own uncle to break the rules for him.

“That’s why we offered to protect you instead” the blond let out a huff.

“You should’ve known I’d turn it down. Hell, _they_ should have expected it”

“You could still agree to it” but Alex shook his head.

There were so many things he wanted to ask Ian. _How can you expect me to accept anything from them? Do you have any idea what they did to me? Do you even care? If you’d known, would you have left either way?_

But now that his focus had gone back to what mattered most at the moment, he made sure the conversation didn’t deviate from their goal. He could wait to bombard his uncle with all these questions until after they got Vict back safe and sound.

He tried to approach from another angle.

“I need to know something else” he said, capturing his uncle’s attention once again “How bad did you double cross this guy for him to come all the way here? Is it just revenge or does he want something else?” he could only hope he hadn’t been too obvious introducing the matter.

“I imagine it can only be revenge. Payback, if you will” 

“Except it doesn’t make much sense, does it? These things happen all the time, bad guys get betrayed. They either kill the person who did it or they don’t. Why come all the way from Warwick to hurt someone you haven’t had contact with in over six years unless there was somethng else going on?”

“There shouldn’t be anything else going on” Alex glanced at Ben looking for help. His uncle wasn’t going to be easy to crack.

“Come on Ian, he has a point and the only way to truly protect him is knowing the whole truth” Ben added. Ian didn’t immediately reply and for a moment there, Alex thought they’d made it, that they’d managed to convince him enough to tell them about the thing he’d stolen during his mission, but he had forgotten Ian had been in the spying business way longer than either of them and it wasn’t long before a look of suspicion entered his face.

“What are you asking exactly?” Alex squared his shoulders.

“I want to know if you did something worth all this trouble”

“I spied on him and his operation”

“Have you already reported to MI6 everything you spied?” Ian narrowed his eyes.

“Alex, I know when I’m being set up” there was a pause in which the blond didn’t deny the accusation “Where are you going with all these questions?” Alex exchanged a look with Ben. It was time to move forward.

“I need to know if you stole something from this man”

“That seems like an awfully specific question”

“That’s because it is”

“What’s going on Alex?”

“Just answer the question”

“Not until you tell me what this is all about. I thought you’d want to know more about why I left than what I did while I was gone”

“Right now I couldn’t care less about why you left. You just did. What I need to know is what you took from that man and if you already gave it to MI6” Ian studied him carefully. Alex had begun to get worked up because they weren’t going anywhere with his uncle’s answers. At this rate, he was going to have to confess his own truth sooner rather than later.

“You’ve met with him, don’t you?” the man accused and even though he was asking, he sounded certain enough. Alex’s silence spoke for him “When did this happen? Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I’m telling you now”

“Is he threatening you with something? If he is, you know I’ll need to report this to the heads. You’ve been compromised”

“No! You can’t! I just need to know what you stole and if you still have it. That’s all” they couldn’t get the rest of the agency involved. In fact, he shouldn’t have involved anyone in the first place.

“I can’t help you unless you tell me what’s going on. What does he have on you?” Alex took a shuddering breath. He knew this was going to happen either way, it was their plan after all.

“Remember I wasn’t alone the night of the crash?” Ian nodded “The other guy with me, Victor, they have him and they’re gonna kill him unless I give them what you stole back” 

“I’m sorry, Alex. Even if I could help you, I don’t have it anymore”

“What was it?”

“I can’t tell you that”

“Like hell you can’t! Someone’s life is on the line. Can’t you get it back?”

“And give it to Carlos? That’d ruin years of work”

“Who cares!? You’d be saving someone’s life”

“Even if I wanted to, there’s just no way MI6 would agree” Alex didn’t respond to that immediately. He stood staring at his uncle for a moment considering how to proceed from then. They’d never hoped for Ian to just give them what they wanted, but Alex at least needed to know what it was.

“They’re gonna kill him” he stated trying to make his uncle understand the gravity of the situation.

“MI6 won’t compromise an operation for just one civilian” his uncle wasn’t making things easy though.

“I thought the operation was over the moment you were made” Ben intervened.

“Hardly, which is why we’re insisting on Alex’s protection. We can’t have any loose ends or we risk losing all the ground we’ve gained” was he even hearing himself speak? Alex was his nephew and he was talking about him like he was a loose end.

“It’s been six years Ian, how much more ground do you guys need?”

“I haven’t worked on that op for the whole six years. It’s been a slow process getting to where we needed to be” the blond had to remind himself to keep his focus where it belonged, otherwise he’d get lost in the endless pool of questions gathering in his mind. If the mission hadn’t taken six year, where had his uncle been the rest of the time?

“So what? You just came here to make sure I didn’t compromise you and your whole fucking operation?” they were getting nowhere, absolutely nowhere.

“In a way… yes” Alex couldn’t believe this, the nerve of this guy! He wasn’t sure he wanted to laugh or cry at his uncle’s words. He decided to laugh.

“You guys are never going to outsmart this Carlos. He’s way more clever than you” that seemed to catch Ian by surprise. 

“What do you mean?”

“He knew more about me than you ever could. His plan wasn’t to compromise you by hurting me, his plan was to compromise me to get what he wanted. His endgame isn’t just revenge and the fact that you didn’t know that makes him be one step ahead of you guys”

“If that’s the case, you can’t let yourself be compromised for a friend. This is a matter of national security, there’s more than just one life at stake”

“He’s not just a friend! He’s my…” how to express what Vict was to him in a way his uncle could understand? He wasn’t being compromised for just anyone.

"Whoever he is—" Alex decided to just burst it out.

“Everything! He means _everything_ to me” there was a beat of silence in which Alex could almost see the wheels turning in his uncle’s head. Then, he finally understood.

“Oh”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, Ian: oh!


	10. I guess they didn’t fill you in on that, did they?

“ _Whoever he is—"_

_ “Everything! He means  _ everything _to me”_

_ “Oh" _

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 

"I guess they didn't fill you in on that, did they?" 

Ben had to admit that he was watching the whole scene play out in front of him with a small hint of satisfaction. His brother's voice was steady and Ben didn't bother hiding the smile that was creeping up his face.

Ian's expression when the meaning behind Alex's words finally sunk in had been of utter surprise and Ben was selfishly happy they'd managed to blindside him again within minutes of him finding out Alex had already met with the people who were after him. Getting not one but two points over MI6's golden spy wasn't something that happened everyday.

And then, after silently gloating about it, Ben finally came to his senses and snapped his eyes back to Alex who had just done something as important as coming out to his uncle. They’d never talked about keeping Alex’s orientation a secret from Ian and they figured the other man was bound to find out eventually, but Alex’s outburst had been kind of sudden.

Instead of seeing a look of panic in his eyes though, Ben could only see defiance and pride which made the ex soldier be every bit as proud of him as he'd always told him he was.

"I... no. I didn't know" Ian said almost shyly. _Take that Ian! I guess you can’t read everything from a file, now, can you?_ Or at least that’s what he would’ve liked to say at that moment.

"Well, you can keep your thoughts and judgements to yourself because I don't care if you like it or not. Right now I just need to know about your mission" 

Ben had to wipe the smile off his face when Alex turned his gaze on him. He didn't want the younger boy to believe he was enjoying the situation more than he should, but he just couldn't help feeling like he'd won something over Ian. 

As Alex had just stated, he didn't seem to care at all if his uncle accepted the fact he was in a relationship with another boy, at least not like he'd feared disapproval when Ben had first found out. Granted, the way he'd found out about Alex had been much more unexpected and awkward, coming home to find both boys fooling around on the floor. But Ben's surprise might have had more to do with the fact Alex had been caught doing something so normal and common for his age than with whom he'd been doing it with in the first place.

Ben remembered Alex's later tear filled eyes and quiet voice begging Ben to be okay with it, with who he was. He wasn't seeing that now and, again, Ben was selfish enough to admit he was glad. 

He was also man enough to admit, if only to himself, that since the moment Ian had showed up in their lives, Ben had felt like a silent competition had started between the two of them despite the fact Ian had assured him he wasn't there to take Alex away from him. Ben knew Alex loved him, there was no doubt in his mind about that, but he was also painfully aware that Ian would always have a special kind of advantage due to the fact he was related to Alex by blood. He had always been, and now more than ever, Alex’s only living relative and there was only so much Ben could do to compete against that.

Focusing back on the conversation, Ben noticed Ian had been smart enough to nod and drop the subject.

"What did you steal from him?" the blond asked again. What Ben didn’t like was the way Alex held himself rigid and more often than not with his arms crossed over his chest. He didn’t feel safe here, not that Ben could blame him.

"Alex, MI—"

"I know MI6 won't agree to anything. I know that!” his younger brother interrupted in frustration. Ben could understand that because Ian seemed like a really thick headed guy “But I'm asking for your help, not theirs. I just need to know what it is so I can make Carlos believe I got it back" Ian narrowed his eyes in thought and Ben was surprised to see him turning his gaze to land on him. It was small the number of times the man had address himself directly to him.

"You're planning a rescue operation" he stated.

"Whatever we can do to get him back, yes" Ben answered.

“On your own?”

“Like Alex said, we know MI6 won’t help and we can’t go to the police”

“How do you plan on doing that?”

“We’re working on it and we’re doing it with or without your help. It would just be easier to do it knowing what we need to know” he stated, hoping the man would cave once and for all.

"It's just information" Alex added.

"Information is dangerous, Alex" the man stated back.

"Well so is being a spy, something you had no problem training me for" the younger boy replied challengingly.

"About that—" but whatever he'd been about to say was cut off by the insistent ringing of Alex's phone.

The blond's hand flew to his pocket and fished the device out.

His voice caught when he called Ben to show who was calling. He immediately stood up from the couch. Victor's name was flashing on the screen.

“It’s them” Ben informed Ian before focussing his attention on the blond “Answer it”

“Wait” Alex halted his movement at the last second when Ian jumped from his position on the cupboard and reached for a bag next to the table.

“For what?” he asked, his eyes never leaving the ringing phone. Ian wrestled a laptop from the bag and set it on the table, making quick work of prying it open.

“I can trace where the call is coming from. I have access to a program” Alex looked up to monitor his movements as well.

“I can’t miss the call” he urged.

“Give me a second” the man’s fingers were flying over the keyboard and Ben approached him to see what he was working on. Sure enough, there was a map of the city displayed on the screen.

“They’ll hurt him if I don’t answer!” his voice was getting a desperate tone Ben wasn’t too fond of.

“Just ten seconds”

“Ian!” Alex exploded, his hand now visibly shaking in the air.

“Go!” the blond touched the green button as soon as he was given the okay.

“Hello?” silence hung in the air as Ben and Ian waited expectantly to hear the one-sided conversation. Alex’s face lit up for an instant “Hey! You okay?... No, but— just… are you okay?” 

Though Ben heard the squeak of a voice coming from the other end of the line, Alex was standing too far away for him to understand what was being said, but the look of relief on Alex’s face made him guess Victor wasn’t too worse for wear.

“They didn’t say anything about time” Alex said into the phone, which didn’t sound at all reassuring “How long do I have?... Yes… I know… Wait!”

Ben checked Ian’s laptop but the program continued to be running without much success. They needed the call to last longer. He gestured for Alex to try and stall for time.

When he next spoke, the venom in his voice told him he was no longer talking to Victor but to the people holding him prisoner.

“I said I would… How long do I have?... You promised you wouldn’t hurt him!... And I’m trying!” Ben walked closer to him and put a hand on the blond’s shoulder. It wouldn’t benefit anyone if he lost his temper now “Just tell me how long—”

The conversation didn’t seem to be going so well.

“I’m working on it!” Alex’s sudden outburst made even Ian take his eyes off the computer to stare at his nephew. The spy locked eyes with Alex and the younger boy looked at him with a myriad of raw emotions on his face. His eyes were pleading. Ian seemed to make up his mind and offered a curt nod that made Alex’s body slump with relief “I’ll have it soon. I promise. Don’t—”

He couldn’t finish the sentence. Alex lowered the phone and stared at it as if he could bring back the call by sheer force of will. Ben turned to Ian.

"Was it enough?" he asked. Ian answered by turning the screen to them so they could see that the map grid hadn't narrowed to a specific location. The words _'signal lost'_ flashing in red bold letters.

Alex cursed and dropped himself on the couch Ben had been previously sitting on. His calm facade was starting to crack as he ran both hands furiously through his hair.

He looked up at Ian again and Ben caught the desperate look in his eyes. 

"Did you mean it? Will you help me?" 

For the first time since Alex and Ian had hugged on the bridge, the older man closed the distance between them and crouched in front of him, resting a hand on his knee. 

"I will"

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Alex excused himself to go to the bathroom after that.

The other two chose a spot on the table and sat down, an uncomfortable silence settling between them until Alex dissappeared from view and Ian scooted closer to Ben.

“So?” he whispered in the same fashion people might start gossiping at a reunion. Ben stared blankly at him “How do you think he’s doing?” 

“Why don’t you ask him?” Ben didn’t mean to sound rude, but he thought it was a bit childish for the other man to act concerned about Alex at his back and then all high and mighty in his presence. Was he afraid to show his nephew how he really felt? That would definitely explain his uptight behavior.

“I’m trying to give him space like you said” 

Ben snorted. “I told you to give him space, not to treat him like a stranger”

“It’s just…” Ian glanced back to make sure Alex was still out of earshot “He doesn’t seem at all like you described. He seems normal, if only a bit quicker on the fuse”

“He _is_ normal” he deadpanned.

“I know. That’s not what I meant” _you better_ , Ben thought and leaned in closer pensively.

“I admit he’s handiling things pretty well. He’s driven when he wants to be” an emotion Ben hadn't seen yet on the other man crossed his features before he sighed and nodded his head. Regret? Guilt?

“He’s always been like that” he sounded sad and, at the same time, proud. Not for the first time, Ben wondered about what had Alex been like as a child, before MI6 had an opportunity to snatch their claws on him. He could picture a little bundle of blond energy, innocent and oblivious to the rest of the world but nevertheless equally smart and clever. He imagined Alex had been every bit of a handful as he was now, except then it hadn’t been for all the wrong reasons. Ben imagined him maybe occasionally getting in trouble at school, if only because he had been friends with Tom. Excelling at sports and wooing girls, or boys, more likely, left and right. It was a comforting picture and yet Ben couldn’t really place his younger brother’s face on the image. It was just too different from reality. _His_ reality, at least. What he definitely couldn’t imagine was getting the privilege to care for a kid like that and then give it all away without reason, because they still hadn’t heard any.

“Can I ask you—?” he started to ask but stopped himself at the last minute. That was something Alex had the right to hear first. He sighed and redirected his words "He does need space to process things, but he needs to see you trying as well. So don't treat him like he's a mission or, worse yet, an asset. And if you really want to get past his defenses, just help him save his boyfriend's life. You have no idea how bad he'll take it if Victor doesn't come back safe"

Ian was about to answer when the sound of a flushing toillet reached them and they straightened apart from each other.

_ Yeah, like school girls gossiping _ , Ben thought.

Alex walked back into the livingroom, his face freshly washed though Ben couldn’t see any traces of tears or signs that suggested he’d been crying. Ben offered the seat next to his.

“How are you doing?” Ian asked in a not so subtle way. Was this guy really a spy? Ben hoped, for the sake of the country, that his people’s skills were better than what he’d shown so far.

“Fine” Alex didn’t seem to care about the effort though, offering his pattented _I’m-not-really-okay-but-I-won’t-talk-to-you-about-it-or-anyone-else-for-that-matter_ answer. Ben was familiar with the tone “You said you’d help me. Tell me what you stole from him”

“Before I do that” the other man started to which Alex visibly tensed “I think I can help with more than that. I want in on the operation” 

Alex remained silent for a few seconds before calmly denying the request.

"Telling us what you stole is help enough"

"Come on, Alex, you could use all the help you can get" 

“Why the sudden interest?” the blond’s tone was bordering on spiteful but Ian wasn’t deterred.

“I just think that since you’re doing it either way, there’s a skill set I can offer. Two former operatives may not be enough to go up against Villanueva”

“Who says it’s just the two of us?” Alex asked.

Ben was aware of how risky their plan was. There was some truth to Ian’s words. He and Alex had been out of the game for some time now and though they made sure to keep in shape and spar from time to time, they were still rusty and, even worse, they were emotionally involved, specially Alex.

If this Carlos Villanueva was so dangerous it had taken an almost six-year undercover mission to get close to him, then Ben didn’t like their odds of success. Not that he could say that out loud in front of his brother. For Alex to not lose his mind, he needed to believe they could rescue Victor intact and Ben was going to make sure he stayed possitive. He would also do everything in his power to save Victor’s life.

“Is there anyone else involved?” Ian’s voice brought him back to the conversation and he took the opportunity to jump back into it.

“Our Plan B” he said, leaning back on his chair “Which was always meant to be our Plan A”

“Eagle” Alex confirmed and Ian looked at them momentarily confused. Ben figured the spy thought they were talking in riddles.

“What now?”

“Eagle, that's a friend of ours” he supplied and proceeded to explain the rest of their plan.

Ian let him talk without interruption, Alex adding details to his explanation here and there until all the cards were laid on the table and all that was left missing was the key piece of information that would allow them to get close to Villanueva in order to rescue Victor.

The spy nodded pensively when they finished explaining, his elbows resting at the edge of the table and fingers interlocked under his chin.

“Information” he began, keeping both Alex and Ben’s attention on him “That’s what I stole from one of his offices”

Then the man launched himself into an explanation of his own.

"Carlos Villanueva is a smart man. He's the kind of person who could bring down a country from the comfort of his office. He's patient and calculating. He doesn't trust easily. There's a reason why no one's been able to put him away"

"He has dealings in the drugs and human traffiking businesses but those are the least of our worries" Ben wasn't sure how he was supposed to feel about that statement. He thought human traffiking was troubling enough, and it was supposed to be the least of their worries?

"He likes to play the long game. He plants his own people into strategic companies, powerful companies, _rich_ companies. Sometimes the best way to destroy a country is by bringing its economy down. That alone makes him a terrorist. But, above all, he's careful. Nothing ever traces back to him and he makes sure his employees stay loyal by threatening their lives, their families. That's why I knew as soon as he found out who I really was, he would come after you. Flashdrive or no flashdrive. Make no mistake, he wants revenge as much as he wants what I took back" 

Alex was the first to voice his thoughts after that.

"It must be important, the information you stole, for him to come all the way here in person"

"Which is actually a major breakthrough in the operation. It does tell us that what we have may be the key to finally putting him away for good"

"But what is it exactly? What's on the drive?” Ben thought Ian's expression was, in fact, worrisome.

"I don't know"

They stared at him.

"You went to all the trouble and you didn't even look at the thing!?” he wouldn't be blaming Alex for yelling about it any time soon, because he was wondering the exact same thing himself. Ian leaned away from the table with a sigh.

"I downloaded the information into the drive but couldn't open any files before they caught me. I had to flee. I just took the information with me"

"How long ago was this?" Ben asked.

"Two weeks"

Apparently Alex had gotten resteless enough for him to spring from his seat and begin pacing in front of the table.

"MI6's had the drive for weeks now. Just say you don't want us to know, but don't lie to us" 

"I'm not" the other man defended himself "We haven't made a move against Carlos because we haven't been able to open any files. The information is heavily encrypted and our technitians say it can only be read by the main server from which the information originally came from" Ben inwardly agreed with Ian’s previous assesment. If Carlos was dealing with it personally, then the information was damning.

"Okay. That's good then" Alex murmured almost to himself "He won't expect me to know what's on the drive if it can't be read. Makes it easier to fool him"

"I can fill another drive with some encrypted files as a decoy" Ian offered. He hadn't really been accepted into their mission yet, but he seemed determined enough "The encryption won't be remotely similar to the original so once they check, you won't have much time but at least it'll give you an entrance" Alex stopped his pacing and studied his uncle for a minute. Ben had already made a decision of his own, but he would try to respect his brother's wishes on this one.

"What about MI6?" the blond asked. Ian shrugged.

"Contrary to what you may think, I don't always play by the rules. I wouldn't have made it this far if I did" 

"I—" Alex didn't seem to know what to say. He locked eyes with Ben and the older man nodded in encouragement. Alex sighed. "Let's call Eagle then"


	11. I guess the tether wasn’t strong enough then

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again! I think I forgot to mention that last chapter was written from Ben’s PoV. It was the first time I tried getting into his head and I hope I did him justice. You all know how much I love him. Poor Foxy was feeling insecure with Ian’s sudden reappearance but Alex would never leave him.
> 
> Now, this chapter is heavily emotional and there’s some swearing from Alex’s part.  
> WARNINGS: strong panic attack in this one!

Of all the strange things Alex had seen in his life, watching Eagle greeting Ian with a handshake had to be on the top three, right there with seeing the earth from outer space and Blunt sporting a white teeth smile. It had happened, once.

"So you're the uncle" 

"I'm the uncle"

Eagle hadn't phrased his words as a question, more like an accusing statement and his tone wasn't at all friendly like it usually was with almost anyone. Ian's wasn't any better, but he seemed to ignore Eagle's rudeness in favor of not creating any more drama or maybe just sensing he was way outnumbered in the caring-for-Alex department.

Another strange thing? Eagle greeted Ben with a fist bump before he hugged Alex, giving him a few pats on the back.

"You good?" he asked to which the blond nodded. If the soldier had a point to drive across, he was definitely succeeding. Alex had a quick amused thought about Eagle acting like an animal marking territory. He had to admit the thought was comforting.

They didn’t waste any more time with formalities, Alex and Ben having already explained to Ian who Eagle was and the other man not really needing any more introduction.

They got right down to business pretty quickly after that.

Eagle’s morning had been busier than theirs. He’d dedicated himself to scout out every possible location where the exchange with Carlos Villanueva could take place. The information on the fake flashdrive in exchange for Vict’s life.

They were aware that trying to guess where exactly the man would want to meet was almost impossible, but based on a few deduced traits, Eagle had managed to narrow down the list from absolutely anywhere to at least half the town. He’d taken the time to explain to them everything he’d taken into consideration: the location of the first meeting between Alex and the man, the half hour mark he’d been given to arrive and a bunch of others indicators Alex just wasn’t really paying attention to, his mind wandering every other second to either his uncle’s presence or Vict’s predicament.

“This building is under construction, so it might be used…”

“Yeah, but the one on the right isn’t…”

“What about this street? It’s well…”

Alex wasn’t following.

Right then, he felt like a kid who’d been forced to sit at the adults’ table.

The four of them were gathered around the dining table with Eagle’s notes spread out and Ian’s laptop showing a map of the city, much like the one he’d seen when they’d tried to trace the call from Vict’s phone.

He wasn’t participating on the discussion. It’s not like he had much to say anyway. He wasn’t an expert strategist like Eagle, or an experienced spy like his uncle. He felt like he was just pretending to be one, like all he’d ever done was pretend to know what he’d been doing when in reality, all the times he’d had to get out of a life threatening situation, he’d just been lucky or merely saved by someone else.

Every mission he undertook for MI6 lead him to all kinds of impossible situations that he’d only managed to survive by sheer dumb luck. He’d never actually accomplished anything. And as proof of that, the only other time he found himself in danger outside the world of MI6, he hadn’t been able to save himself, not really, not by luck and certainly not by skill.

He was useless. All that training, all the fighting and survival lessons weren’t enough to save himself or the people he loved when it mattered the most. He was _useless_.

“I should get started on the encryption of the fake drive”

“We can keep studying these notes”

It wasn’t going to work, Alex thought. None of it was going to work because he wasn’t good enough to pull it off. He had to deceive Carlos long enough for them to rescue Vict but what made him think he’d be able to do it? Knowing his luck, he was bound to have a panic attack right in the middle of the exchange. Someone would touch him again looking for wires or they’d point a gun to Vict’s head. 

If someone held a gun to his boyfriend’s head then there’d be nothing he could do. He’d have to tell them the truth, that the flashdrive was fake and the meeting a trap. He’d surrender himself as well, pleading for Vict’s life knowing full well any begging would just be in vain. Just like it had happened at the parking lot, Vict would be taken away again right under his nose, or maybe even killed. He was going to get his boyfriend killed because he just wasn’t good enough to save him.

Alex’s mind was spiraling and through all his inner turmoil, the others kept to their tasks. 

The blond was standing next to Ben and Eagle, leaning his hands on the table as they studied Eagles’s notes and by the time he realized he was actually having a panic attack, it was also the time he realized he wasn’t breathing.

At all.

He tried to take a full breath but his lungs weren’t working, refusing to expand under command. He tried once again but no air made its way in. His nostrils flared at the third try and his eyes went wide when the result was the same.

How long ago had he stopped breathing? This didn’t feel like a normal panic attack. Usually he got dizzy with hyperventilation, not lack of it.

_ What’s happening!? _

He glanced up, sure someone had already noticed he was practically dying right there but everyone was busy and focused on something else. Ian was sitting in front of the computer typing furiously at it. Ben and Eagle were still talking, pointing at things written on the papers and sometimes writing new stuff down. They were all oblivious to his distress. Thinking, talking, _breathing_. Alex couldn’t breathe!

He tried again to expand his lungs only to be met with the same result. Lack of air was starting to get to him and the strain made black dots appear on his vision. He felt like he was drowing and he couldn’t even shout out to someone for help because when he opened his mouth to talk, no sound came out.

He had to do something though.

He managed to lift a trembling hand and reach for Ben’s arm, glad he was the one inmediately next to him. His grip fumbled until he finally latched into a forearm with bruising force and felt his fingers digging into flesh.

“Alex?” Ben asked finally taking notice of his desperate state. He still wasn’t breathing.

The blond tried to speak again but, just like his lungs, his voice failed him, his body apparently acting out against him. He locked desperate eyes on Ben and brought his free hand to his chest, pulling at his t-shirt and shaking his head in the hopes the older man would understand his meaning.

_ I can’t breathe! _

He stumbled back when Ben straightened away from the table to face him. His brother tried to catch him but Alex doubled over until he felt his body hit the floor, dragging Ben down with him.

He heard the other men scurrying over but Ben held up a hand to stop them before focusing back on him.

“Alex, listen to me. You’re okay. You’re safe”

The blond shook his head. This wasn’t a normal panic attack so it wasn’t even about him not being able to breathe, it was about Vict getting killed and him not being good enough to prevent it.

He managed a growl when the drowning sensation began to reach its peak and almost blacked out when Ben shook his shoulders hard enough to rattle his brain.

“Alex!”

Finally something clicked and Alex gasped sharply, excitedly feeling the rush that accompanied his first breath before his chest got stuck again on the next one. He coughed and gasped again. The oxygen that made it into his lungs just wasn’t enough.

“Can’t… I can’t…” he continued to clutch at Ben’s forearm, now banging on his upper arm because air just wasn’t enough! He needed something else to breathe, he needed _someone_ else to be able to breathe properly again but that wasn’t going to happen any time soon because he was useless, completely and utterly useless!

“Yes, you can. You can breathe Alex, you just have to do it” the blond kept gasping and shaking his head.

“It won’t work… It’s not gonna work… None of it… Ben, I… I can’t breathe!”

If he hadn’t been panicking so hard, he might have been able to notice that he was talking because he was, in fact, breathing. But his brain had latched onto only a few thoughts that kept fueling his panicked state. _I’m useless. I can’t breathe. I’m useless. I can’t breathe_.

Ben put a hand on his cheek and held his face closer to his, forcing Alex to look into his eyes.

"Don't think about that. Think about something else. Remember your words?" the blond nodded. The words were etched into his memory, branded there through repetition after every single attack he'd had to endure for the past three years "Come on, say them with me. You're fine"

"I'm f-f-fine"

"You're fine" 

Alex screwed his eyes shut and wheezed in another breath. "I'm fine"

"You have two arms and you have two legs" the words flowed out of his mouth almost automatically, repeating the statements Ben had also learned by heart "You can talk, you can walk. You're fine"

"I'm fine" he finished and was glad to notice he'd managed a deep full breath in the process.

His breathing wasn't completely back to normal yet but at least he didn't feel like he was drowing anymore. His heart rate was also beginning to slow down.

He opened his eyes and slumped forward into Ben with relief, taking as many deep breaths as he could. The other man held him somewhat upright and let out his own sigh of relief.

"Are you okay?" it was Ian who asked, having taken a few tentative steps closer to them. Alex glanced up and nodded curtly suddenly remembering they weren't alone. Embarrassed, he hurried to try and stand up. He didn't get far though.

Ben had to help him off the floor and into the couch where he at least managed to stay sitting upright. He kept his gaze away from the other occupants of the room and only met eyes with Ben for a moment after running a hand up and down his face.

"I'm sorry" he muttered. He felt guilty for interrupting their tasks when he was perfectly aware there was no time to lose

"It's okay” Ben reassured him, ruffling his hair in such an embarrasingly older brother manner that Alex had to spat his hand away just out of principle “I think we could all use a break" if they had been alone though, the gesture would’ve been comforting.

"We don't have time for a break" the blond argued.

"Alex, you've been awake for over 24 hours. I think some rest is in order"

"I don't—"

"You're not any good to Vict if you're exhausted"

"We don't have time!"

"You need—"

"Who's hungry?" Eagle chirped in, efectively difusing what would probably develope into a full blown argument "It's already past lunch time. You can rest some while we go out to buy something for all of us. Unless you're in the mood for cooking?" he finished adressing Ian with the last part. The other man shrugged.

"Fine by me"

Alex didn't have much choice but to agree.

Ian went back to work though while Ben and Eagle walked to the door, Alex following suit.

"Where are you going?" Ben asked coming to a halt.

"With you"

"No, you're not. You're staying here to rest" he was expecting as much but that didn't stop him from staring daggers at his brother after glancing at Ian as if silently asking _Are you seriously gonna leave me alone with him?_

_ Yes, it's about time you two talked. _

_ Great. _

Alex's inner conversation hadn't played out in his favor.

"We'll be back soon" Ben said before closing the door.

Alex was left to stand awkwardly in the middle of the living room listening to Ian's rapidly typing fingers. He looked so calm and collected, so focused on his work that Alex was transported back to all the times he’d found Ian working on some thing or another on the few ocasions the man wasn’t locked in his study. _It’s just boring stuff from the Bank_. Then, Alex had never had a reason not to believe him.

The blond only realized he was staring when the other man lifted his head to meet his eyes. 

"I'll have this ready in a couple of hours. If you want to sleep some—"

"Do you have any coffee?" he interrupted, already making his way to the kitchen without waiting for a reply "I'm gonna make some coffee"

He was glad to have something to do away from his uncle, not sure he wanted to delve into any more serious matters for the time being, but it wasn't long before the sound of a chair dragging over the floor reached him.

Once in the kitchen he kept himself busy, searching cupboard after cupboard until he found what he needed.

"You've never liked coffee" his uncle said upon entering the room. Alex didn't need to be reminded of what he already knew, but he also didn’t deny the statement. In fact, he didn't say anything back, keeping to his task until he found an already started pack of ground coffee. His hands still trembled slightly while he filled the coffee maker with water "Maybe you shouldn't be having caffeine right now" 

Of course, Ian being Ian, he’d noticed.

"I need to stay awake" he replied evenly, dropping two spoonfuls of the brown powder into the machine. On some level, he understood he couldn't keep on going without sleep until they found Vict, but he also couldn't bring himself to do so comfortably knowing his boyfriend was out there probably freaked out of his mind and definitely not comfortable enough to rest. And even if he tried, he knew he wouldn't be able to fall asleep, his mind just way too preoccupied to shut down. Last night had been proof of that, not managing even one decent hour of sleep before nightmares kept him mercilessly awake.

"Does that happen often?" his uncle's voice brought his attention back and he was puzzled for a moment before realizing what he'd meant. His panic attack.

"Whatever Ben told you, I'm sure he was exaggerating” _probably not,_ he thought to himself. When Ian didn't reply inmediately, Alex took his eyes off the dripping in the coffee machine to see the man lift his eyebrows, calling him out on his dismissive answer. Alex sighed "Sometimes, yes. But not so much anymore"

"So this boy..."

"I don’t want to hear it so save it. You don't get to be okay with it or not be okay with it. I couldn't care less" the blond snapped, completely disregarding the fact he shouldn't be antagonizing the person that would help him save Vict's life.

"... I was just wondering when it happened. I remember there was a girl at your school? I thought you two would end up together"

"Almost did. Then shit happened and... I'm just like this, okay?"

"Okay" was it too much to ask for him to just drop the matter? "How long have you two been together? You and… Victor, right?”

"Yes” he confirmed with an annoyed exhale “A year and a half, almost two” somehow discussing his personal life with his therapist was way less uncomfortable than doing it with his uncle. Before the man could ask any more details about his relationship, Alex changed the topic “So whose house is this?”

“Someone who’s on vacation” so not a reantal place, he should’ve guessed. MI6 always found a way to make even the smallest of situations work in their favor.

“That’s convinient” in the amount of time it took his uncle to answer, Alex had time to appreciate how slowly coffee brewed. He would focus on anything as long as it let him control his rising temper. 

“You didn’t have to move that far away, you know?”

“It’s not like I had anything left in London” _I must not hit the man, do not hit the man_ “You know what they did with our house? They sold it. Gave it to someone else. Or maybe it’s another agent living there now, using it as part of an undercover operation”

“Al—”

“Was this what you wanted all along, us working together? That’s why you trained me right?”

“I wanted you to be ready for life, but this was supposed to be your choice” Alex laughed bitterly. He began opening cupboards again until he found the one holding glasses and cups. He took one for himself.

“My choice… they never gave us a choice and Jack…” he trailed off, not really able to handle two heavily emotional matters at once.

“About what happened to her—”

“I don’t want to hear it”

“She was supposed to be safe”

“Was she? You brought her into our lives and she died— no, she was _killed_ because of it”

“I realize that must have been quite a trauma” the blond rolled his eyes.

“Again with the psychological talk. It doesn’t suit you Ian. Just admit you didn’t think of the consequences, or maybe you just didn’t care. Do you have any idea what that life did to me? And don’t say you’ve read about it” he added before Ian could actually use that as an answer.

“I admit things didn’t go according to plan”

And that must have been the understatement of the century.

Silence followed Ian’s last comment. Alex was too impatient to wait for the whole coffee pot to be ready, so he took it out, mindless of the dark dropplets continuing to fall and emptied whatever was on it into his cup.

After getting the pot back into place, he reached for the fridge, fussing silently because he’d forgotten to check if there actually was milk before making the coffee. Thankfully there was.

Now all he needed was sugar. Lots and lots of sugar.

“You could’ve just given me up” he said suddenly, his voice just slightly calmer than before “Put me up for adoption when my parents died and your prestigious spy life wouldn’t have been affected. I could have been normal”

“You are normal Alex” Ian replied making Alex let out a bitter laugh. He supposed only an MI6 agent would consider being paranoid, distrusful, lonely and angsty by the time you’re fourteen something normal. “And I could’ve never given you away like that”

“You had no problem doing it later”

“There’s a reason—”

"I know your reason!” the blond interrupted with a yell, banging his coffee cup on the counter, barely managing to avoid the splashing liquid “You chose your fucking country over your family. Over me! You were the only one I had, you and Jack. And I tried to avenge your death and I tried to make you proud but I got myself so deep into it that I couldn't get out until she died! It’s your fault I’m like this! Your fault!” he stopped to take in a hopefully calming breath. He was letting out things he'd buried deep inside for the past six years and to finally have someone to tell them to, it was making it hard to keep a lid on them. With a calmer voice though, he added "You haven't even apologized Ian"

"I was recruited into this life pretty early on too” his uncle said, completely disregarding his last words. Alex stared expectantly at him, waiting to hear what sounded like yet another excuse “All I've ever known how to do is this. It's my duty to serve the country and I can't turn away from that" and didn’t that sound like something Crawley had already told him? Or like the time he and Ben had talked about duty and patriotism?

"Well fuck all that! Fuck the country, fuck duty and fuck you!" ignoring completely his so far untouched coffee, which was the reason he’d come into the kitchen in the first place, Alex stormed out of the place. Or at least he tried to, but Ian grabbed his upper arm to prevent him from leaving. Alex reacted on instinct, turning around and trying to pull his arm away but the look on his uncle’s face stopped him from doing anything more physical than that, like send a fist flying his way.

What he saw was something he’d only seen genuinely a few times in his life, something that so far today hadn’t been shown at all. _Emotion_.

"It's true. I could've given you up. I never planned on having any other responsabilities outside my job, but when John died... He was my brother, the only thing still connecting me to the normal world even though he was an agent too. He was just the kind of man who knew how to balance it all: love, family and work. _This_ kind of work. So when you got thrusted into my arms, I couldn't even think about giving you away. You were the tether to my brother. My tether to real life"

It was a surprise for Alex to hear Ian talking about his father, a subject that was almost forbidden when they lived together. Still, as impressive as it was for his uncle to spurt out such a confession, Alex just wasn’t ready to accept it or forgive him for how his life had turned out to be.

With an almost resigned step back, he pulled his arm free and locked eyes with his uncle once more before leaving.

"I guess the tether wasn't strong enough then"

Ian let him go and Alex went looking for a bedroom where he could wait until his brother and Eagle returned. He made sure to keep his phone on himself in case a call came through and set himself to try and organize again his priorities, which kept running around in his head like a hurracaine of thoughts.

_ Save Vict’s like. Deal with Ian. Not panic. Keep breathing. Get Vict back. Don’t hit Ian. Don’t cry. Find his boyfriend. Save his relationship. Stay strong. Rest. Stay awake. Ignore Ian. Talk to Ben. Keep going. _

_ Keep going. _

He needed to keep going.

He couldn’t afford to panic again. He wouldn’t. Not until he got Vict back. His boyfriend needed him alert and focused, so he couldn’t afford to fall for distractions. He’d deal with the Ian situation later. He’d already said what he needed to say. From now on, his uncle would just be a means to an end.

At least that’s what Alex told himself so he’d be able to carry on with the mission without any more stress than necessary.

Right now the only and most important thing was Vict. Just Vict.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not everything’s been said and done between Alex and Ian but Alex needs to focus on Vict and the plan to rescue him. I promise action is coming soon!


	12. The deal wasn’t supposed to go like this

Not twelve hours into their plan and things had already gone incredibly wrong, thought Alex from the trunk of the car where he found himself in his current situation. Blindfolded and alone.

When he managed to yank the black hood from his head and was met with darkness either way he questioned the necessity of having used the hood at all in the first place. He couldn't see where they were going anyway.

He sighed.

Talk about things getting out of hand fairly quickly.

Alex tried to think back to the moment they'd lost control of the situation, if they actually ever had any, just to entertain himself on this ride to who knew where.

He’d contacted Villanueva to let him know he'd found the information his uncle had stolen from him and the other man had set up a meeting just like they'd anticipated. The first test he’d had to pass was the other man asking how he'd been able to acquire it so quickly.

_ You're the one who wanted me properly motivated. Well, I am. _

Those had been his words and the man had let out an amused laugh before setting up a time and a place.

Alex had tried to bargain on the place of the meet, trying to get the man to agree on one of the places Eagle had scouted out but there had only been so much the blond could've insisted before his request seemed suspicious. They decided to adapt.

_ Don't worry, we knew this could happen. We still have a couple of hours to investigate the place _ .

They'd also decided on the distress signals Alex would use to call for help. One wave of his hand a certain way would have the cavalry storming in ready to get both him and Vict to safety.

But the problem had been apparent the moment BlackJacket had stepped out of the car. Villanueva hadn't come to the meet, and neither had Vict.

The man with the leather jacket and shoulder lenght black hair hadn't come alone though. There had been at least two other people with him, plus the driver.

They hadn't been outnumbered but without Vict in the equation it would have been useless to fight these men and avoid being taken, because hopefully they were taking him back to Vict.

Or they were just driving somewhere to the outskirts of town to take the flashdrive, kill him and dispose of his body.

Alex figured there was a fifty percent chance of being either option.

So he hadn't used the signal because any chance, no matter how small, of being reunited with his boyfriend was worth the risk. It was also worth the rough treatment, the hood over his head, being cramped in such a small place. The last time he'd had to hide in a vehicle like this, the space hadn't seemed as tight as it did now. But he'd been fourteen at the time so he guessed if he'd wanted proof that he had indeed grown up at least a bit, it didn't get any more real than that. 

He would endure anything though, as long as it got him what he wanted.

There had been a moment when he'd feared his... partners? Teammates? He wasnt' sure how he was supposed to call them under the circumstances, were going to just blow the whole operation off because BlackJacket had gotten a bit violent towards the end of their conversation.

Alex had been acting bolder than he should've, probably, and he'd demanded to know where his boyfriend was. He'd wanted some proof of life. He'd wanted to know why Villanueva wasn't there and why they were talking about taking him to a secondary location.

But all he'd managed to do was piss BlackJacket off. The man had covered the distance that separated them in two quick strides and punched him in the stomach.

_ This wasn't the deal, _ Alex had argued between clenched teeth. He'd doubled over craddling his stomach and the only way he managed to stay on his feet, gasping, was because of the tight hold the man had on his arm.

_ It is now. _

After that, the man simply produced the hood from his back pocket and made Alex's vision go black.

Before he'd been forcefully shoved into the trunk, Alex had made a particular hand gesture that indicated the others to just stay put. To not interfere. If they were in fact taking him to the same location Vict was being held at, then he couldn't have the others rescuing him before that.

So there he was, legs cramped and body stiff while he reasured himself that he'd been in this kind of situation before and he actually knew how to handle himself. All he had to do was remain calm and keep his eyes on the prize.

He didn't have his phone with him.

He'd left it at home seeing there’d be no point in taking it with him if the bad guys were going to search him and probably dispose of it. He'd rather not have to buy a new one after having this one smashed to the floor. He could only hope Ian, Eagle and Ben didn’t lose track of him.

When the car drove over a pothole and his body jumped awkwardly inside the trunk, Alex berated himself when his thoughts got so ahead of him he lost track of how many turns the car had made.

_ I really am rusty. _

The meeting had taken place in a not so unfamiliar part of town so the blond should've payed more attention to where they were going, given he might have actually known where they were headed but now that he tried to remember the last couple of turns, he kept mixing them up.

Was the last turn a left or a right? How many times had they stopped due to traffic lights?

He tried to reasure himself that the situation wasn't as dire as it seemed. Sure, right now it looked small and dark but what were a few minutes inside a trunk?

If Ben, Eagle and his uncle didn't lose sight of him, then the moment he found Vict they could make their way out from within while the others helped them escape from outside.

If only things were ever easy for him.

After a while Alex felt the car slow down and do a few more turns before stilling completly. The engine was turned off.

His heart rate picked up in speed as footsteps could be heard getting closer to the trunk. One of the men opened it, and if he was surprised or angry about Alex taking the hood off his head, he didn't show it.

They hadn't tied his hands anyway, what had they expected?

The blond manouvered himself out of the tight space before anyone got close enough to roughly do the job for him and he stood with his shoulders hunched and his head slightly bowed. He was supposed to pretend he was compliant and terrified so the people surrounding him would think he wasn't a threat to them. Not that he actually wasn't terrified but the reason had more to do with how the rescue mission would turn out than with whatever harm might come his way. At least physically.

The building that rose in front of him was nothing out of the ordinary, except for the fact it was half built. It couldn’t have been more than three stories high and it was also wide enough to make Alex believe they weren’t being built to house apartments but maybe offices and work spaces. A quick look around the street confirmed his suspicions when Alex saw they were near the industrial part of the city, a few factories standing merely a block away. 

His eyes landed on a colorful sign that advertised the new compound would be functional by the end of the year. Glancing back to the structure that rose before him, he reached the conclusion that it was, indeed, being built up instead of down.

He was led inside.

He was taken aback by the amount of activity there. People were going up and down a flight of stairs that led to the first floor. Armed men talking quietly among them. The ground floor was spacious enough to hold the construction machinery and lots of crates and rubble. Doors lined the walls at different intervals around the middle open space and Alex could see some of them had lights on inside with people quietly going in and out. For the amount of people present, the place was actually pretty quiet.

Apart from the soft murmur of the people around him, the one noise that was strong enough to pick up on was an accented voice coming from a room to his left, which is exactly where they were headed. A light push from BlackJacket’s hand on his shoulder had him crossing the threshold and coming face to face with Carlos Villanueva himself, his features and elegant clothes distinguishing him from everyone else.

The man was on the phone.

“Yes, yes. The motion needs to be approved” Villanueva said to whoever he was talking to “Make sure she's on our side”

Alex tuned him out in favor of inspecting the place and his stomach sank when he realized they had slightly misscalculated how many people they'd have to face. As opposed to the three or four they'd originally counted, the number now reached the dozen, at least.

They were inside what would continue to become an office in the future but that so far only held a wooden run down table turned into a desk and the chair Villanueva was currently sitting on.

"The date can't be pushed back any further. I don't need to remind you the importance of your work... Excellent! Keep in touch. Alex!"

Villanueva ended the call and Alex's attention was sharply brought back. He was motioned to walk closer to the desk. The blond regarded him with cold eyes.

"I knew you could make it. You're a smart boy. So where is it?" his hand automatically started towards the front pocket of his jeans but halted before completely reaching in.

"Where's Victor? Is he okay?" 

Villanueva's eyes narrowed slightly in annoyance "You'll see"

"The deal wasn't supposed to go like this. I got you what you wanted, but I'll give it to you once I see him" Alex wasn't liking how much they kept postponing it.

"Is it?"

"Is it what?"

"What I wanted?"

A confused expresion took residence on his face "What are you talking about?"

"Alex, Alex. Before I make good on my promise I have to make sure you made good on yours. Uh uh uh..." Villanueva added almost cheerfully when the blond began to protest, his tone a definite contrast with the heavy tension around them "You're not in a position to bargain" Alex inmediately shut up "Now, if you will" the man extended his hand in a waiting gesture. Alex finally reached into his pocket and gave the small flashdrive a squeeze before surrendering his only hope to the man.

"Let us go" he half ordered half pleaded once the device left his hand. He hoped his features were set enough to conceal his nerves and not reveal anything suspicious. He needed to get to Vict before Villanueva realized the drive was a fake.

The man seemed to ignore him while he turned the small device this way and that in his hand but then glanced to BlackJacket "Marcus, reunite the lovers would you?"

Alex's heart skipped a beat. Finally!

"And you'll let us go, right? That was the deal"

Villanueva's eyes flashed with something dangerous when he regarded Alex not with the annoyance from before, but with a deep seated anger that betrayed his cool demeanor. Alex was reminded of Ian's words when describing the man. Villanueva was smart and calculating. Would he be able to fool him? "I’m going to make sure the information is legit. If you actually delivered what you were supposed to, I'll see about getting rid of you"

Somehow getting rid of them didn't sound like being released never to cross paths again. Alex had to accept the dubious explanation though because he didn't want any more detours on his way to Vict. He had to go back to playing the compliant hostage. 

He hunched his shoulders in resignation.

Before he was guided out of the room by an uncomfortable hand hooked at the back of his neck, Alex saw one of Villanueva's men approaching the desk with a strange looking laptop. The computer wasn't thin and smooth as they tended to be these days, but sturdy and heavy looking. It looked like someone had taken parts from different devices and assembled them together to create a new one. Alex figured it must have been rigged as a powerful electronics device for these people to be using it.

But Alex filed the thought away for later consideration when they began the walk up the stairs. Anticipation kept building in his stomach like a brick weighting him down and suddenly he was very aware of the inminence of the reunion with his boyfriend.

He'd avoided thinking about the actual moment, fantasizing about it, since before calling Villanueva to set up the meeting. Vict's betrayed and angry expression still haunted him at the edges of his mind from the night Crawley outed him as an ex spy. Would Vict be relieved to see him? Or would he still feel angry, betrayed... scared? Would he be scared of who Alex actually was?

The thought made uncomfortable nauseated butterflies appear in his stomach. Still, he walked forward. They arrived at the third floor and deviated to their right where a door at the end of a long hallway waited closed for them. 

Someone walked ahead with a set of keys in hand.

Alex was almost trembling with anticipation.

The hand at the back of his neck tightened marginally and Alex risked a glance at its owner "By the way…" 

BlackJacket was looking at him with a satisfied glint in his eyes that made apprehension take an unwavering hold of his mind "… beware the smell"

"What?"

"Corpses tend to rot" 

Alex’s brain short-circuited.

_ No _ . 

He inhaled sharply. His stomach— no, his _soul_ dropped somewhere all the way down to the first floor and his legs were threatening to give out under him.

_ No no no nononono. NO!  _

It couldn't be. He was lying. Vict couldn't be— he couldn't be.

The hand on his neck pushed him forwards towards the now unlocked door, but this body refused to cooperate. There was no way he was going into that room. His legs came back to life first and he pushed back against the weight pushing him forward, his feet locked on the ground to halt his advance.

"Go on" he was tauntingly prompted by the same man that had just shattered his world completely "You wanted to see him"

"No. No, stop!" he was backing away now. There was absolutely no way he would survive seeing Vict's dead body, much less being locked inside with it. His struggling increased and someone else had to join BlackJacket in his efforts to get Alex through the door "Get off! Let me go! I can't— I can't go in there. Stop!"

Somewhere in the back of his mind he was registering the sharp pain of fingers digging into his arms to carry him forward, but the sting didn't even begin to compare with the absolute terror of what awaited him beyond that door. He couldn't see Vict dead. He wouldn't survive that.

Alex fought tooth and nails to free himself but he could feel panic blinding his senses and the door was getting closer and closer. He was going to die. He was sure he was going to die.

Finally the men won the battle and Alex was pushed inside the room. He tripped and fell to the floor with a grunt in his haste to run back to the men but before he could reach them, the door was slammed shut in his face and Alex pressed himself forehead first against it, banging his fists raw out of desperation.

"Come back! Let me out! Hey!" 

Laughter was all he heard coming from the other side of the door.

"Alex?"

The blond audibly gasped and stiffened.

If he hadn't been so consumed by panic, he would've noticed upon entering the room that there was no smell. His chest was heaving and his clenched hands were trembling and for a moment he believed his mind was playing tricks on him because he _had_ seen a body, at least the shadow of it out of the corner of his eyes when he was being pushed inside the room. But it was a corpse, right? That's what BlackJacket had said and Alex hadn't thought twice about keeping his eyes cast downward and away from the potencially fatal image of Vict's dead body before turning away from the dangerous shadow.

But another tentative call of his name had him slowly turning around to see that what he'd taken for Vict's dead body was actually the boy himself slowly getting to his feet against the far wall of the room.

Relief almost made him pass out.

It also made him push away from the door with a desperate sound tearing from his throat while he shortened the distance between them.

A very much alive and breathing Vict got in motion as well to meet him half way across the room in a bone crushing hug that left Alex breathless and desperate for more.

"Alex. Alex. Alex” 

Vict was hugging him back and chanting his name against his neck where he'd buried his face while Alex fisted the back of his t-shirt and breathed into his shoulder.

Vict was alive. He was here and he was breathing and squeezing Alex back for all he was worth and he was _alive_. Alex tightened the hug.

He wanted nothing more than to stay glued together like that forever but the blond had to find the strength to keep his weak knees standing and also unclench his fists from Vict's back. He needed to make sure this was real.

But real or not, Vict wouldn't let him go and Alex had to put his hands against the older boy's shoulders and push to peal him away. All he managed was a few inches of separation, just enough to see his face.

"Are you okay? Are you hurt anywhere? Vict, are you okay?" he decided not to think about the fact he didn't recognize his own tight voice. He was being pulled into another hug but Alex's mind wouldn't be deterred. He shook the other boy hard in his arms "Victor!"

"I'm not hurt!" the answer was every bit desperate as it was suspicious. Not being hurt and being okay were two very different things. Alex took it upon himself to run his hands all over Vict's body in search of any hidden wounds.

Vict was content to let him do so as long as their embrace was renewed.

Alex couldn't find any obvious signs of injury. There was no blood in his clothes or any complains of pain when he ran his fingers over his skin. But when he broke the hug again to stare properly at his face, the dark bruise on his temple from the car crash of less than a week ago was staring back at him.

Somehow the sight of it finally made it real and he let out a nervous laugh that soon turned desperate enough to make him want to hide his watering eyes from Vict. He was supposed to be the strong one in this situation, the emotional support but, as always, it ended up being the other way around.

"He said you were dead. I thought I was too late" he hoped Vict's shoulder was able to hide the waver in his muffled voice "He said your body was here. He said—"

"He likes to play games" Vict was the one to break the hug this time and interrupt what would have surely developed into a panicked rant and he stared Alex unflinchingly in the eyes "I'm fine"

If this was how it felt when Alex himself used that word on anyone else, he was sure going to make an effort of taking it out of his vocabulary. None of this was fine.

But Alex cleared his throat and accepted the dismissal for now. He brought a hand up to craddle the side of Vict's neck and lifted himself on his tiptoes to put their foreheads briefly together "Okay"

He wanted nothing more than to close the remaining distance between them and bring their lips together to kiss the light out of them but he wasn't sure the gesture would be welcomed, so he reluctantly let go and dropped back to his feet. Then for a moment he didn't know what to say. He didn't know what to do. He let go of Vict entirely and took a step back. He avoided Vict's gaze by doing a sweep of the room and noticed the place was completely empty. It was just a square of dusty floor surrounded by bare walls.

Vict called his name and the uncertainty in his voice made Alex's eyes snap quickly back to him "What are you doing here?" he asked and then answered his own question with a dreadful and defeated tone "They got you too"

At the sound of Vict's own wavering voice, Alex's thoughts finally settled enough for him to remember the plan and his role in it, so he took a deep reasuring breath. It was time to act.

"I'm going to get you out of here"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally they’re back togetheeeeer!! But, I mean, they’re together but not together-together... they have to survive first!


	13. I’m not their guest Alex, I’m their prisoner

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter from Vict’s PoV!!!

Alex turned away from him and began pacing around the room.

Victor’s heart was still beating wildly in his chest with a mixture of excitement and fear. Seeing Alex walk through that door had made him insanely relieved and almost dizzy with affection. The arms that held him while they hugged were strong and steady. Above all, they were familiar. The only thing familiar in a sea of unfamiliar people, settings and circumstances. And yet, standing in the middle of that room and staring at the now unhesitant movements of the other boy, somehow, he was having trouble reconciling the warm safe feeling the blond always provided him with and the person currently sharing his confinement. Victor hadn’t been able yet to let go of the fact that he’d been caught up in this situation in the first place because of who Alex used to be. Or still was, he just didn’t know for sure.

_ I’m going to get you out of here _

Still, the words ecchoed in his mind and one thing was clear, he wanted absolutely nothing more than for them to be true.

“How?”

But Alex didn’t break away from his new task to face him. He'd started walking alongside one wall, running a hand over its surface while his eyes swept its length from the ceiling all the way to the floor “I need to check something first”

He remained silent until all four walls of the room had received the same treatment. Exactly what he hoped to find, Victor wasn’t sure.

“There’s nothing here”

“There could be” was the simple reply, which the blond didn't even bother dignifying with a look his way.

Soon enough, the two glass rectangles that served as the only decoration of the room became the subject of Alex's thorough investigation. 

"The windows are shut down. I checked" Victor offered but the other boy didn't abandon his task.

Victor had been grateful at the sight of the windows when he’d been brought back to the building after meeting with Alex in the parking lot, if only because it meant he wouldn’t have to spend another endless minute locked in that dark storage room on the ground floor.

The change of sceneary had brought with it not only the natural light that had filtered through the windows all day, but a light bulb hanging from the ceiling that he’d turned on the moment night started to fall. Above all though, he’d been grateful for the freedom to move his arms around since his hands had also been freed.

But despite whatever sense of freedom the appearance of windows had provided, they didn’t help anyone if they couldn’t really use them to find their way out. Opened or not, they were three floors up above the ground after all.

Alex kept inspecting them either way.

“What are you looking for?”

Once again, the blond answered without tearing his eyes away from the wall to look back at him “Hidden cameras or microphones”

He had not been expecting that.

Watching Alex go about the room like he actually knew what he was doing left Victor feeling at a loss.

Little by little a few pieces of the Alex he knew and the one he didn't began to finally click into place. The way he never liked to park in the same spot twice, how he never slept with the shutters or windows open. Those were odd traits he'd attributed to a combination of personality and recent past trauma. He never would've guessed that the blond had been trained to think like that. Paranoia wasn't just something he'd developed through trauma, it was something he had been taught.

Victor couldn't help but feel like he was drifting even farther away from the person he loved. Because he did love Alex. He'd told him so countless of times before. Victor had made sure to wait long enough to be certain of his feelings before actually saying the word for the first time. He'd accepted the fact Alex wasn't ready to say the same words back to him but he'd powered through that because he believed love didn't have to reciprocated to be given. Victor loved Alex. There had been no doubt in his mind about that.

But how could someone not know something that important about the person they loved?

He didn't want to accept the only explanation he could come up with, that their relationship had been a lie from the beginning.

Victor's eyes remained glued to the blond until the other boy startled him by dropping face down to the floor and crawling every inch closer to the underside of the door.

"What are you doing?" he felt like a broken record and he was getting tired of the dismissive short answers he was getting. The fact that Alex wouldn't even look at him when he gave them only fueling his unease.

All he got for a reply was the palm of a hand gesturing for him to wait and that was the final straw for Victor to snap.

"Alex!" something in his tone must have finally caught his attention because the blond turned his head sharply at the sound of his name. Desperation, probably "Just— just talk to me! What the hell are you doing? Stop acting like this is normal. This isn't normal. Look where we are! There's nothing here! I don't understand what you're looking for. There's nothing in this room. This isn't—"

"Stop. Stop it. Breathe" Victor was sure he'd just lost at least a few seconds of his awareness because the blond had gone from being sprawled on the floor to standing less than a foot away from him, a hand pressing firmly into his chest and the other one clasped on his shoulder.

That's when he noticed his fluttering heart and the poor quality of his breathing. But Alex's hands were soothing and this time his calmed demeanor was more grounding than enfuriating.

"How... how did you know?" he asked in between still too hectic breaths.

Alex gave him a pained smile "I can recognize a panic attack when I see one. Now, come on, you've done this for me before. Breathe with me"

Victor did and the panic receeded almost as fast as it had hit him.

There was a beat of silence before he nodded and Alex let him go. He regarded the blond curiously "Why are you not freaking out?"

"It's not my first time remember?"

For a moment there, Victor thought he'd been referring to his time in Kiev but a second later he understood.

"Being a spy you mean" Alex dropped his eyes momentarily before bringing them back up.

"About that... I don't—"

"Forget it" Victor interrupted shaking his head. He wasn't sure he was ready for another confrontation in the matter. The memories of their fight in his apartment were bad enough and the doubts about whether their relationship was real or not were still too raw in his mind "I can't hear about that right now. Just explain to me what you're doing"

Victor preferred not to delve too much on the expression on Alex's face. He would be the first one to admit he wasn't being tactful about the whole thing, even since the day a stranger came into his home to out his boyfriend's secret life. But he supposed first things came first and, right now, surviving long enough to actually have that conversation came first.

Thankfully, Alex seemed to understand that too because he signaled the door and began to explain.

“We need to know how often they check up on you. Their timing, their patterns. That's what I was trying to see under the door, the shadow of people walking near it" and shit if that didn't sound too much like a spy movie. But he didn't comment on it. Instead, he gave his head a slight shake.

“No one does that” when the blond didn't offer any other words, Victor elaborated “No one’s been here since yesterday”

“What about food and water?” he shook his head again and Alex’s eyebrows went up in surprise before frowning in controlled anger “They haven’t given you any?”

“I’m not their guest Alex, I’m their prisoner”

And then the blond went on a tirade of questions about his wellbeing.

_ Are you dizzy? _

_ Are you nauseated? _

_ Are you hurting anywhere? _

_ How's you head? _

_ Is your stomach cramping? _

_ A little. _

_ No. _

_ My head. _

_ See previous answer. _

_ Not more than the ocassional rumble. _ He _was_ hungry.

"Actually someone did come this morning so I could go to the bathroom but that's it"

"Bloody hell" the blond spat out angrily on his behalf. He also ran a hand down his face "Okay, when we get out of here we'll take care of you. You're gonna be okay"

As good as the promise of food and water sounded right now, Victor was more interested in the getting out of there part of the plan. Not that Alex had actually explained his plan.

"If anything" the blond spoke again "The fact no one checks on you works in our favor. That at least makes our way through the third floor easier. I didn't see anyone occupying the other rooms so we should be clear on this floor. Going down the stairs might be tricky but as long as you stay behind me you should be fine. We should assume they'll be coming up here to fetch us within the next ten or maybe fifteen minutes so we should hurry 'cause we don't have much time..." Victor just tuned him out after that.

He stared dumbfounded while Alex went on and on about their escape route but his mind wasn't really registering any of it. Because he must have been missunderstanding the meaning of Alex's words. He must have! There was no way the other boy meant what Victor now thought he meant because that was crazy, surely.

And yet... _I'm going to get you out of here._ Those had been his words. His exact words.

"Hold up. What are you talking about?" Alex halted his speech to regard him with a worried expression. He was probably thinking his head injury was messing with his mind.

"We're escaping" he said slowly, as if Victor needed time to process the meaning of the words.

"How, Alex?"

"But I just… That’s what I was... are you okay?"

Victor ignored the question "You're talking as if we're finding our way out of here ourselves"

"We're gonna have to fight our way out of here, yes"

Victor let out an incredulous laugh.

"You can't be serious. We'll get caught. We'll get killed!"

"This is our only chance"

"But the ransom. Whatever it was they asked you for, you brought it, right? They have to let us go" Alex shook his head and Victor's stomach sank.

"They won't. I couldn't get what they wanted for real so I brought a fake. It won't be long before they realize" he just stared in horror after those words.

"That's crazy! They're gonna kill us for sure if you tricked them"

"We were gonna get killed anyway. This was the only way I could get to you before that"

"What about the police Alex!? You're supposed to call the police when these things happen. We can't do this ourselves!" his breathing was picking up in speed again and he couldn't determine if it was because of anger or fear. Most likely both.

"I couldn't go to the police!" the blond said with a hint of urgency in his voice. He glanced at the door briefly before focusing back on him "You heard what they said, they would've killed you if I did that. Now, we don't have much time. We really should get going" he was ushered closer to the door but Victor didn't budge, uncertainty written all over his face.

Alex sighed in frustration, or maybe it was understading because he gentled his tone and craddled the side of his neck. Victor wanted to feel reasured by the gesture, he really did, but he couldn’t help flinching when the hand made contact with his skin.

Alex’s eyes saddened but he didn’t pull away.

"I know this is scary and I know you have no reason to trust me. But, if anything, trust the fact that I've done this before and I swear on my life I won't let anything happen to you. I would die first than allow any of them to hurt you. Please believe that if nothing else"

Well, _damn_. No matter how many doubts he had or how much he knew he shouldn’t trust the other boy now, Victor’s heart couldn’t help but ache for the reasurance of his boyfriend’s presence and determination, seeing as it had been conditioned to do for the past two years almost. He managed to hold the blond’s gaze while his nerves became just a little less rattled.

"We're actually going to break out?"

Alex's wide smile was terribly out of place under the circumstances but it was reassuring none the less.

"That's the plan"

"So getting caught _was_ part of the plan"

"Of course... sort of" at Victor's exasperated huff, Alex hurried up to add "It was! It was actually the most important one. Like I said, I won't let anything happen to you" but as convincing as Alex's argument was, Victor still failed to see how it would all work out when the odds were stuck at the two of them, defensless and unharmed, against a lot of guns.

"Alex, this doesn't sound like much of a plan. We can't do this by ourselves. I can’t fight my way out. I’m not like you. They're gonna catch us and they they're gonna kill us and they're gonna—"

Alex stopped him from going into another panicked spiral.

"They won't" he said firmly giving his hand, which was still on Victor's neck, a firm shake "Help is on the way, it's just not the police"

Well, he could’ve said that sooner!

"Who's comming?" another devilish smile.

"My brother. And my uncle. And Eagle. He's in town, by the way"

"So, an accountant, a dead spy and a soldier?"

"It's better than nothing" he said with a shrug and Victor supposed he was right.

He cleared his throat and swallowed a couple of times so his voice wouldn't break embarrassingly on his next words.

"Okay. Okay. So what now?"

Right on time, a distant shout reached them and Victor jumped a few steps back. Alex calmly turned around to put his ear against the wooden door.

"That would be our cue" then he dropped into a crouch to take off his right shoe.

Victor stared and he produced a pair of long metal needles that he instantly recognized as the ones they'd used to break into his old house back when his uncle Ed was still around.

Things made so much more sense now.

After tying up his shoe laces again, Alex began working on the door handle and a soft click was heard after barely a minute. The blond turned the handle and the door opened inward.

_ Holly shit _ , Victor thought. This was happening.


	14. The boyfriend? He’d just be collateral

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m so sorry about the long wait... life got suddenly complicated two weeks ago and it doesn’t look like it’ll un-complicate any time soon. I’ll try my best though to keep up posting these chapters and finishing the story. We’re nearing the part where I’m blocked but hopefully I’ll be able to move the story along.  
> I hope you guys like this chapter!

The moment Alex opened the door, a gun went off somewhere. 

He felt Vict jump at his back and fist both hands into the fabric of his shirt. He also waited a fraction of a second to listen for incoming footsteps but the coast continued to be clear.

Before he could set foot outside the room though, Vict's hands squeezed tighter on his shirt and tugged him back into the room, most likely reluctant to walk towards the sound of gunfire in the inmediate vicinity. It hadn't taken long for the response fire to start and Alex could clearly distinguish two different parties firing at each other.

Making sure again that the hallway was empty, the blond turned around while putting the lock picking needles away in his pocket. "Okay, listen to me. Stay behind me at all times. If I say duck, you duck. If I say run, you run. No second guessing and no looking back. We only have one shot at this”

The older boy nodded grimly and reluctantly let go of his shirt when Alex pried his hands away. He was going to need his full range of mobility for what they were about to do.

He could still see the lingering panic hiding behind Vict’s worried expression but he also saw a new determination that helped settle his own racing heart.

He’d promised the other boy he wouldn’t get hurt today and he intended to keep his word.

It was time to go.

Instead of tiptoeing their way out, Alex figured there was no need to sacrifice speed for stealth. A whole battle was breaking loose downstairs, meaning escaping wasn't a surprise anymore.

He flattened himself against the wall by the staircase leading down to the second floor and held out a hand for Vict to do the same. When he peeked around and saw the way free, they hurried along. 

They reached the next floor without a hitch.

It was at the end of the second set of stairs that they encountered trouble, when they were about to reach the first floor. The man in question, no doubtedly on his way up to check on the prisoners, overcame his surprise fast enough to send the first punch. But Alex reacted on instinc, barely stoping to consider the best course of action and blocked the man's fist while ducking out of the way. A straight jab to the throat, a knee to the abdomen and an elbow to the face later and the man went crumbling to the floor holding his head in pain. 

He wasn't unconscious yet and Alex was about to deliver the finishing blow when Vict warned him to turn around. "Watch out!"

The blond sent a blind back kick that didn't connect, too late to avoid being slammed against the wall when he turned around to face the new threat. But breaking out of the hold was easy. A weakening blow to the man's elbows and Alex could slid down the wall and sidestep away from him. A round house kick and the job was done.

He was breathing heavily by the time both men were taken down for good but was glad to notice that he wasn't either tired or hurt in the slightest. Adrenalin was such a great friend. His muscles would surely complain come tomorrow though... if there was a tomorrow.

The blond signaled for Vict to follow.

The older boy looked half impressed and half... something when he sidestepped the broken figures on the floor, but Alex couldn't spare his attention to ponder on it. Listening to the sounds of the fight below reminded him how close they were to Villanueva's small army and the flying bullets. He couldn't lose focus now.

The blond hunched down and stayed close to the wall, indicating Vict to copy his posture and stay low while they descended the last flight of stairs.

But he wasn't even half way down when a yelp made him turn around to the sight of Vict struggling to dislodge the arm around his throat. The blond internally cursed. The first floor hadn't been as empty as he'd thought.

Before the man could reach for the holster strapped to his side, Alex took matters into his own hand, "Fingers!" Well, Vict's hand.

The other boy was quick to remember their self defense lessons and searched blindly around until he clasped the man's fingers in his own and twisted with all his might. The man let out an animalistic growl while Vict twisted away from his hold. But Alex didn't have time to feel proud because next thing he knew, Vict's knees were kicked out from behind and the boy went barreling down the stairs with a surprised shout.

When Alex went to stop his fall, he failed to prevent the foot that connected painfully against his open chest and sent him tumbling down the stairs as well. The boys went rolling down with a mixture of flying limbs and pained curses until they landed in a hip on the ground floor where the noise was so deafening it didn't help with their disorienterion at all.

It was definitely not how he'd intended to crash their way into the battle ground.

Once he recovered enough, the blond hauled his aching body to move and threw himself over Vict, who was looking dazed as hell, to shield him from any bullet that might find its way to them. He was also aware of the person that had pushed them down the stairs appearing at the bottom as well to finish the job. But Alex didn't have to worry for long because a familiar figure stepped between the downed boys and the approaching man.

He let Ben handle the threat and urged Vict to get up on his knees. "Up. Up. Up. Behind that crater. Go!"

The other boy scrambled to comply with Alex hot on his heels. He peeked behind their hiding spot to get a sense of the layout and map an escape route in his mind. It would be doable if the freaking door wasn't on their exact opposite direction.

"Alex?"

He turned around to assess Vict's condition, dismayed to find a streak of blood slowly runing down the side of his head. One of the stitches of his forehead must have popped out on the fall. "You're okay" the blond asured him because he didn't like the uncertainty in the other boy’s voice.

"Are you?" 

"Of course. We're almost out of here"

Vict looked incredulously around signaling the ongoing battle around them and Alex had to concede the point. Not that he let him know that. He'd promised to get the other boy out of that mess and wasn't about to let it show just how dire he also thought their situation was.

A few seconds later, a heavily breathing Ben kneeled next to them and clasped a hand on Vict's shoulder. "It's damn good to see you kid. Okay, Ian and I made our way in. There's a lot more people than we realized. Are there any more upstairs?"

"There shouldn't be but I don't know" they both turned to Vict who silently shrugged his shoulders. He didn't know either.

Ben went back to giving instructions. "You'll stick to the wall. Follow it all the way outside. I'll make a ruckus over there to buy you some time. _Stay down_. When you're out, run to the end of the street. Wait for us there. We'll be right behind you"

"Ben, where's your gun?" Alex distinctly remembered seeing one in his brother's hand when he'd intercepted their stairs pusher back there.

"Lost it"

"Where's Ian?"

"Lost him too"

Great.

"Remember: stay low and get him out of here"

While Ben recovered his breath, Alex turned to study Vict's face.

The older boy's skin was ashen white and his eyes were darting all over the place, flinching every time a gun was fired and Alex doubted he'd caught every word Ben had just said. He leaned closer and forced Vict to hold his gaze by craddling his face between his hands.

"You with me?" he asked, shaking some focus into him. He smirked when annoyance replaced fear and Vict pried his hands away.

"You so owe me for all of this"

Alex's smirk grew wider and he let go of Vict's head in favor of grabbing one of his hands. "When we're out of here, I promise"

Alex was ready to start running and pull the other boy along with him when he noticed. The deafening silence.

He janked Vict behind the crate again and shared a worried look with Ben. The gunfire had stopped.

"Enough!" Villanueva's voice was strained and Alex heard some struggling before the sound of a body hitting the floor reached them. "If you don't want your uncle to die, again, step out so we can have a chat"

Alex's stomach dropped. 

He locked eyes with Ben and they seemed to have a silent conversation.

_ You run, I'll distract them. _

Alex shook his head. _There's too many_.

Villanueva taunted him again and Alex closed his eyes in resignation, stiffly opening his fingers and letting go of Vict's hand. The action felt like he was signing his own fate.

" _Alex_ " the older boy hissed, eyes wide and head shaking in a silent plea to just stay put.

"I don't have all day!" the sound of a gun cocking straightened his resolve and he stood up, walking around the crate and ignoring Ben's pull on his arm.

Alex had thought guiltily that if anyone was going to be captured first, it would've been Ben, what with him being away for so long from anything soldier or spy related, so it was a surprise to see Ian kneeling with his arms raised behind his head and Villanueva's gun aimed at it.

It wasn't an image he could reconcile with the man he'd grew up with but, yet again, the fact that the man was there at all made everything hard to reconcile.

Villanueva waved the gun around and addressed him with an impatient remark. "See, this won't do. I want the boyfriend as well! And the brother!" he yelled at his men before speaking to him again "You do surround yourself with interesting people Alex. Now, wasn't I clear enough?"

The man threw a small object at his feet that Alex quickly recognized as the fake flashdrive. The blond had hoped they'd be able to get away before the bluff was discovered, maybe even before backup was needed, but when have things ever gone according to plan for him?

All he did was shrug apologetically as if asking the man what else had he been supposed to do. "You weren't gonna keep your word anyway"

"I want the real flashdrive"

"I don't have it. I never had it. How did you expect me to get something that important from something like the secret service?" right now his only hope was to keep the man distracted enough for Ben to get Vict out of that place. He really hoped his brother understood that nothing was more important than that.

"You're a clever boy. If you could think of a way to deceive me, you could've done what I asked"

"This is the government we're talking about. I'm a nobody"

"Are you? Because it seems to me—" both Alex and Villanueva turned when a slight commotion reached their ears and Alex was overcame by a sense of dread when Ben and Vict were led back to them at gunpoint. They hadn't even gotten that far.

Things were so incredibly out of control. He had failed. They had all failed. The dummy drive hadn't bought them enough time and Villanueva just had too many people on his side. Alex was beginning to realize that they'd never really had a chance in the first place.

"There they are" Villanueva strided casually closer to the blond "I thought I'd given you enough motivation. Now let me ask again, where is the real flashdrive?"

"I told you, I don't know—" 

Pain exploded on his right cheek when the man's fist connected solidly against the side of his face. The blow startingly fast and unexpected. The strength behind the punch made him stumble a step to the side but he didn't lose his footing. "I told you— ugh!"

Another strike. This time the fist caught him straight in the jaw and when the blond inevitably fell to his knees, he spat a mouthfull of blood on the ground.

"I don't like being played Alex. Time is too important to be wasted"

"Then stop wasting it with me because it can't get you what you want" he spat through clenched teeth, his mouth throbbing in pain. In fact, the whole right side of his face was pulsing in time with his heart and he involuntarily flinched away when the man raised his fist, ready to strike him a third time when Ian's voice interrupted him.

"I have it!"

Villanueva walked back to where his uncle was still kneeling and regarded him with a sneering look. "I _know_ you have it. That's why I sent _him_ to get it. I just believed, considering your story, that you wouldn't come rescue your dear nephew. I'll admit you've proven me wrong. But I still don't see my flashdrive and he still couldn't hold up his end of the deal, so I'm not gonna hold up mine"

Before Villanueva could do anything else, like beat his anger into Alex again, Ian dropped his raised hands and signaled his pocket. "I meant, I have it here"

The blond stared incredulously when Ian reached inside his pocket after getting permission from their captor. He produced a rather standard looking drive and handed the device to the man which eyed it with a fair amount of doubt. Villanueva signaled someone and the odd looking laptop Alex had seen upon his arrival was fetched from the office.

For all the noise that had ensued during their failed escape attempt, the place was eerily quiet now, the clicking sound of Villanueva's fingers flying over the keyboard the only thing to be heard.

Alex took the time to study his surroundings better while trying to ignore the constant throbbing of his face. He found his uncle already staring at him with a look Alex couldn't even begin to understand.

Had he actually brought the real drive after all he'd begged for help only to be met with denial after denial? Or was it another bluff? If so, then they were all dead anyway.

Then his eyes searched Ben and beyond him, Vict, who stood stiffly next to a pissed off looking BlackJacket. Oh how Alex hated that guy.

The blond figured if he moved slowly enough, he could get back on his feet without anyone making a fuss about it. As long as he didn't appear threatening it would be allowed. He wiped the corner of his mouth in the process barely wincing when a finger went too close to his split lip.

Not a minute after, Villanueva's eyes lit up and he signaled for the computer to be taken away. "Well, looks like you may have just managed to spare someone's life", he told Ian.

The flashdrive was real. Alex couldn't quite wrap his mind around that. Had his uncle finally caved? For him? The blond shook his head.

He was ready to start bargaining for their lives when Villanueva drew his gun again and took out all the bullets on the magazine except for the one in the chamber. Then he did the most unexpected thing after, he threw the gun at Alex who caught it by reflex and held it dumbfounded between his hands.

"Careful, there's only one bullet in there and you don't want to use it on me" Alex was amazed and rather put out by the way Villanueva could set his men in motion without so much as a word. One look BlackJacket's way and the man creeped up behind Vict to snake an arm around his neck and press the barrel of a gun against his temple.

Alex wanted to use the one bullet on him right then and there but another movement near him caught his eye, and then Ben was pushed forward to kneel right next to Ian on the floor.

"What is this?" he asked, voice firm but confused. He didn't understand what was going on beyond the fact that the level of danger of the situation had gotten up a notch or two.

Villanueva swung his arm in an arch as if presenting Ben and his uncle to an non existing public. "Choose"

Alex just stared at him, sure he hadn't heard the man right and was so baffled by the request he couldn't manage a proper response beyond a very thought out and articulate _huh?_.

"I told you I didn't like to be played. You tried to fool me and now you get to pay. But I did get what I wanted in the end, so I'm gonna give you a chance: kill one of them and the other one walks away. Don't choose anyone and the boyfriend dies a well"

"You can't do this!" it was Ben who broke the silence first, earning a kick on the back when he tried to stand up from the ground. "This is insane!"

"So who is it going to be Alex? The man who robbed me or the one who's probably killed a few of my men today?"

The blond shifted nervously on his feet. "Why are you doing this?"

Villanueva didn't sound like any of the mad men he'd faced before. His gaze didn't hold that extra shine of craziness behind them and his voice wasn't pitched with humour and delight. This man wasn't crazy, he was just plain cruel. "In this world, if you try to cross someone you get to pay a price. You tried playing at the big boys table Alex and I can't just let you walk away. The boyfriend? He'd just be collateral, he hasn't done anything to me. But these two? My day has already been bothered enough and time is money kid. So choose now before I lose my patience. The choice seems pretty obvious to me" he finished and Alex was left with an impossible task.

A few feet in front of him, Ben was desperately trying to make Villanueva see reason while Ian focused his gaze on Alex. Again, the blond was struck with how much of a stranger his uncle had become to him. The man was calm, a far cry from Ben's desperation and outrage. He was just kneeling there as if awaiting his fate. Did he look... understanding? Villanueva had said the choice was easy, but was it?

He turned to look at Vict, a silent shadow of the cheerful personality he'd long ago fallen for. The older boy looked about ready to lose it. It wasn't hard to notice how uncomfortable BlackJacket made him, which was understandable because _that's_ what a mad man looked like.

He took all of this in: his scared boyfriend, his desperate brother, his calm uncle. 

Alex shook his head and turned back to Villanueva. "I can't do this", his voice coming out as a whisper.

"People are gonna die today Alex, it's up to you to decide how many"

"You can't expect me to choose between my family!" rage, fueled by desperation, began to creep its way inside him. Wouldn't he ever have a normal life!? How much more did he have to sacrifice when all he wanted was to leave his past behind?

_ This is why you can't want things. This is why you don't get to love things. _

Alex tried to bury those thoughts away.

"Alex, listen to me" his gaze turned sharply at Ian who had finally decided to break his silence, "This is my mess. It was my job"

What the hell was he trying to say!? That Alex should choose him because of that? That he should _kill him_?

"I can't do this"

"You have five minutes now"

_ Fuck! _

The blond racked his fingers roughly through his hair, tugging on the dirty blond strands to try and jumble his thoughts into place. _Choose one of them?_

"Think of what matters most Al" this time Alex stared at Ben, who had stopped mouthing at Villanueva in favor of looking at him all pitying and understanding. His brother's eyes flickered over to where Vict kept quietly watching the scene unfolding in front of him and Alex's heart didn't just beat faster, it went off the fucking roof! Was Ben asking him to kill him to save Vict?

"There has to be another way" he told Villanueva but the man didn't cave.

"Three minutes now"

Alex's hand was shaking, the gun heavier by the second in his grasp. Oh what he wouldn't give to put the bullet between Villanueva's eyes. But as soon as he did that, they were all as good as dead, and Vict... Vict.

But Ben.

And his uncle.

The uncle who abandonned him for a job. The man who raised him practically on his own.

But Ben.

The brother who saved him from himself, who gave him a life and a home. Who gave up everything for him.

"Please don't make me do this" he begged, not necessarily talking to Villanueva but to the men kneeling on the ground acting like it was okay for Alex to choose between them because Vict was more important. Because Vict was an innocent civilian who had nothing to do with dead spies and criminal organizations. 

Vict. The guy who had accepted Alex with his issues and his panic attacks and his paranoia over people. The guy that made him happy.

"One minute"

Alex gasped and brought the gun up. He couldn't let Vict die. Nothing else mattered. Ever since the car crash happened, Alex's focus had been only one: don't let Vict die.

His hand trembled but his stance was ready. He held the gun aimed to fire between two of the most important men in his life, the other one being held at gunpoint just a few feet to his right. He still couldn't do it! 

"I— I can't" 

"Al"

" _Please_ "

"You have to"

"No!"

Who was even talking anymore? His mind was racing, his breathing had stopped.

"Alex"

He heard a gun cocking to his right.

_ This isn't happening _ . This couldn't be happening! 

"Time's up"

"Alex!"

But the blond took a step back and changed his stance. "I won't do it" he stated and then held the gun to his own head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whaaaat? A cliffhanger? 
> 
> I guess I’ll see you soon!


	15. A fleeting thought?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS: this chapter contains mentions of suicide (remember Alex training the gun on himself at the end of last chapter?). There’s also some colorful swearing and general panic over the situation...

_ "I told my brother this isn't going to work" _

_ The woman in front of him didn't seem to take offense at his words, merely nodding her understanding and playing with the pencil in her hand. "Why do you think that?" _

_ "Because I don't know how to talk" _

_ "You're talking fine just now"  _

_ "I meant express myself. I'm rather bad at it" _

_ "There's no right or wrong way to express yourself. Even not saying anything at all is an expression of sorts" why had he ever agreed to see a therapist? Lately, voicing his thoughts often meant an emotional breakdown of some kind and he didn't feel like having one in front of a stranger.  _

_ "If that's true and I don't really have an expression problem then there's no reason for me being here" _

_ "Your brother doesn't seem to think so" _

_ Of course. "My brother tends to overreact sometimes" _

_ "So the incident a couple of weeks ago was an overreaction on his part?" _

_ "I don't want to talk about that" _

_ "I had the impression that was the whole point of you coming here today. Mind walking me through what happened? In your own words, however many or few" the blond sighed with annoyance and shifted uncomfortably on the chair. He could play this two different ways: dragging the minutes like he'd been doing so far during the session or spitting out what the woman wanted to know so he could get it over with and appease Ben's overprotective tendencies. He went with the latter. _

_ "I ran away for a little bit, not even a full day. Like I said, Ben tends to overreact" the woman remained quiet as if she knew there was more to the story than just that. Her silence screamed at him to go on. "I lost track of time. Stayed out too late. The night was cold and I was underdressed. For a moment I thought it'd be a good idea if a froze to death and somehow my brother thinks I want to kill myself because of that" there, he'd said it: precise and to the point. It wasn't that big of a deal anyway. _

_ "What would you say upsets you the most about that?" _

_ Alex surprised himself with his answer. It wasn't even the thought of dying, it was what happened after, what continued to be happening every day since that night. "The constant vigilance? He doesn't take his eyes off me all day" _

_ "Have you told him that?" _

_ "No" _

_ Alex didn't need to be a psychologist to know what she would ask then. "Why not?" _

_ He shrugged his shoulders. Maybe because it was embarrassing as hell to talk about something like that? Maybe because he was tired of breaking down in front of the older man? _

_ "Could it be that you're silently relieved that someone's watching over you so you don't get those urges again? Or to intervene in case that you do?" _

_ He shook his head. "But it wasn't an urge" _

_ "How would you describe it then?" _

_ "A fleeting thought?" _

_ "And since those days—" _

_ "One day. It was one day" _

_ "...have you had any more fleeting thoughts?" _

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

The present came rushing back to Alex in a mixture of colors and noise. The people around him moving as if in slow motion and the buzzing in his ears taking forever to clear out.

The weight of the weapon pressing into his temple felt oppressive and inminent. His finger on the trigger twitching dangerously with fear.

What the hell was he doing?

Eventually his mind was able to focus on all the shouting going on around him and he lifted his gaze from the floor to stare at Villanueva.

"Alex what the hell are you doing!?" his thoughts exactly. The blond was mildly surprised by Vict's yell. The other boy had been quiet for so long that Alex could almost pretend he wasn't there to witness such a dark moment. But he couldn't fool himself, Vict had seen everything. Now Vict _knew_ everything and he'd be lucky if the other boy ever forgave him enough to not hate him, let alone speak to him again.

Alex kept his eyes on the man. He hoped his gaze came out as defiant but he probably looked terrified by his own actions. But terrified or not, he forced himself to talk. "Kill one and the others walk away" he quoted though he was painfully aware those hadn't been Villanueva's exact words. The man tilded his head in puzzlement.

"Not exactly what a nobody would do..."

"Alex listen to me. Listen!" Ben was fighting now against two people holding him down, unaware or uncaring about the weapons trained his way. "Put the gun down. This isn't the way"

He was completely ignored. "You said someone had to die today and that I had to choose. This is what I choose" he gave the gun a little shake as if to emphasize his point.

"The numbers don’t add up for me" Alex had feared the man wouldn't accept the turn of events, but he wouldn't give up until everyone else was out of harm's way.

"I was the one who tried to play you. You wanted to punish me so let me be the one to die and let everyone else go"

But Ben didn't stay quiet and he shouted insult after insult towards Villanueva probably in an attempt to bring the punishment away from Alex and into himself. "Ben, stop"

His brother turned his attention back on him.

"Alex. Alex. Cub! You can't do this. Choose one of us. Choose me if you have to but drop the fucking gun! Alex!"

The blond snapped. "Stop! Stop it. Stop talking!" His hand wasn't just trembling now, it was full on shaking.

"Alexander, listen to him" oh he did not just go there. Alex glared at Ian and at his completely calm demeanor. "This isn't the way"

"It's the only fucking way!"

Somewhere at the back of his mind it registered that his five minutes had already expired but, for some reason, Villanueva was letting this new development play out. Whether he was amused or intrigued by it, he didn't know.

But Alex was waiting for the man, was waiting for him to either approve or deny his request. The moment he said yes, Alex would pull the trigger and it would all come to an end.

It would all end.

Alex's breath hitched.

It was all going to end. This was it. He wouldn't live past his 20 years. He was going to die today and he'd never get to know if the boy who'd rocked his world would ever forgive him or even remember him. He was going to die and his brother was going to be left alone to deal with the loss on his own.

This was the end. All he'd managed to survive, all he'd managed to heal. It would all be for nothing because he had a finger on the trigger and his own death warrant hanging over his head.

He couldn't breathe.

_ Just say yes damn it! _

In the midst if his panic he must have mumbled something because Villanueva leaned closer. "Come again?"

"Say yes" the blond whispered just a tiny bit louder, the air in his lungs not enough to produce any other sound, "Say yes and let's end this. You get... you get your drive... and... and I... I die. My punishment... I die"

"Let me go! Let me go to him damn it!" Ben was fighting tooth and nails now to get free. He was probably the only one who could've grasped exactly how extreme his panic was right now. The blond was trying to keep it from showing, to keep his eyes from widening too much or his breathing to come out too fast. But in trying to stop his chest from heaving he was failing to even take a single breath. He wouldn't be able to hold on for much longer. As it was, he wasn't even sure he'd have the necessary strength to pull on the trigger.

By some miracle, Ben managed to break free and reached him in only two strides. Villanueva motioned for his men to stay put and so Ben was allowed to stand next to him, his hands held up as if he was approaching a spooked animal.

Alex flinched when his brother went to touch him and so he quickly withdrew his hand.

"Cub"

"Don't— don't call me that" he was trying so hard not to wheeze.

"Give me the gun"

But Alex shook his head and took a step back. "I can't"

"Yes, you can. And you will. Look at me Alex. You _will_ give me the gun. Let me take care of this"

"What will... you do?"

"I'll take care of it. That's what I do, I take care of you"

"No time. I won't choose. He can't die"

"You don't have to do it. _I'll_ choose"

Alex startled at the words and lost control of his tightly restrained breathing. He gasped once and couldn't stop gasping ever since. "You can't. Can't. Not you. Ben. Please. I can't. I'm done. I'm done! I don't... my choice... I want... I..."

Ben was finally able to put a hand on his shoulder if only because Alex was so out of it at this point that he hadn't even noticed until the hand squeezed his shoulder tightly.

"Trust me. Give me the gun. _Trust me_ " 

Something in Ben's tone made him stop enough to actually think and take in a full breath. Trusting Ben was so ingrained in his being that he began to unconsciously lower the gun, his eyes locked on his brother's intense gaze. Then the older man whispered and suddenly everything made sense. "Remember Plan A?"

_ Eagle! _

Alex could breathe again.

Villanueva's men raised their weapons towards them when Alex placed the gun in Ben outstretched hand, his own hand almost cramping by the time he forced his fingers to let go of the weapon.

"I'll do it for him" Ben announced letting Villanueva know in no uncertain terms that Alex was to be left out of that choice.

For a moment there Alex feared he'd missunderstood Ben or that the other man had just been running his mouth in hopes to get Alex to let go of the gun and that the next thing he'd see would be Ben training the gun on himself to finish the job Alex couldn't. But the gun stayed pointed downwards and Alex recognized the beginnings of a fighting posture in his brother's body.

Villanueva shrugged.

"As long as someone dies today"

"Good to know" and then he brought his free hand up curled into a fist seconds before a shot rang out and all hell broke loose.

Alex barely had a second to register that the man holding Vict, BlackJacket, fell back as if pushed by an invisible force before he felt himself crashing hard into the ground as well.

Ben had pushed him out of the way and used his single bullet to clip Villanueva on the leg. The man went down with a pained growl.

Ian had also sprung into action, silently and efficiently, coming up from his kneeling position swinging and kicking. It wasn't long before he got his hands into a weapon as well.

Ben dropped down next to him. "Go get Victor. Alex! Take Vict and go!"

Apparently the blond took too long to respond because Ben roughly manhandled him into a crouch and pushed him in the right direction. Alex found his own footing after that.

He found Vict crawling away from BalckJacket's dead body, his own breathing fast and hard. A splatter of thick red blood staining the right side of his face and neck.

Alex didn't even slow down. "Let's go!"

He took his boyfriend's hand and janked him to his feet, putting himself between him and the renewed battle around them. They made their way hurriedly to what would surely be a desk in the future and crouched behind it long enough to catch their breaths before continuing to move forward.

Alex didn't waste time with words. Mainly because he didn't think he could spare any breath to produce them, so he settled for doing a quick visual check up, making sure Vict didn't have any incapacitating wounds. Once he was sure, he got them running once more.

The door was closer now and Alex could appreciate the cover fire Ian was providing for them somewhere to his left but he didn't spare a single second focusing on anything other than getting. Vict. Out. Now. That thought the only thing driving him forward at this point.

Then a shadow fell upon him and he couldn't avoid crashing into the wall before landing on the floor under the man's weight, his meaty hands going around his throat for the kill. But Alex's body was weak, whether from exhaustion, residual panic or shock from what he'd been about to do, and he couldn't for the life of him find a good grip to dislodge the man away.

He didn't have to.

With a raged cry Vict brough both hands interlocked in a single fist down into the man's back with enough strenght to make the man let go of Alex and stagger back to his feet. But he did manage to stand up and turn around, a fist raised and poised to attack.

"Duck!"

Vict did.

"Upper jab!"

He connected under the jaw.

"Right hook!"

The man went down and stayed down.

Vict jumped away from him. "Holy shit! Did you see that? Did you?"

"Let's go"

Alex took his hand again once he was back on his feet and they were finally , fucking finally!, out the door.

Alex came to a sudden halt when the light of a flashlight shone directly into his eyes and he reacted instictively, shoving Vict behind him and blindinly going for this new attacker’s weapon. The light was removed from his face but dots still clouded his vision against the darkness of the night. He was forced back into the side wall of the building even though he kept struggling to keep the man away from Vict.

"Calm down! We're here with agent Rider" a harsh voice spat on his face and when Alex's vision finally cleared, he saw the man, in fact several men, wearing tactical uniforms. The man holding both him and Vict secure against the wall silently signaled his men to continue on their way and breach the building.

Alex and Vict were led away.

"Cub!" Eagle came out then from the shadows of the building holding a long distance sniper rifle in his hands "It's okay. They just showed up. I think they work with your uncle"

But that couldn't have been possible because his uncle only worked in one place and if these people were here with his uncle, then that meant—

"Rider"

A voice seemed to come out of the shadows somewhere ahead of them and that's when Alex noticed the SUV parked behind the assault team's vehicle. 

Crawley.

_ Fucking Crawley!? _

Rage filled him then.

"What the hell are you doing here!?"

The man's passive expression didn't even twitch once. "Settle down Rider. The mission's not over yet"

"What mission!" 

Crawley eyed him for a moment before his eyes went back to guarding the entrance of the building where Alex could hear shouting and the explotion of one or maybe two stun grenades. "You'll be debriefed once the device is recovered"

"Don't talk to me like I’m one of your agents" the blond spat, his brain refusing to cooperate and give some kind of meaning to Crawley's words. But the man ignored his comment, though he finally turned enough to meet his eyes.

"You did well Rider"

_ Arrggh!!! _

With a sudden bout of energy and a yell of frustration, Alex lunged forward and threw himself at the other man.

"Woah!" Eagle let his riffle hang from the shoulder strap and raised his hands in surrender when a gun was pointed at him after he'd tried to intercept the soldier keeping Alex from reaching the MI6 agent.

The blond had to be held back by two people now because he was intent on causing some harm.

The soldiers surrounding Crawley had been too fast and Alex was dissappointed that he couldn't so much a scratch the bastard.

"I'm not your agent! This wasn't my mission! There was no mission!"

"Hey, there's no need for that" Alex didn't need to wait long to know the meaning behind Eagle's comment because rather roughly his hands were forced behind his back and a zip tie fastened around his wrists.

"What the hell is this? Get off me!"

"Until you calm the fuck down kid, stay down" the soldier pushed him until he was sitting on the ground with his back against the vehicle.

Alex twisted his hands, testing the restraints around his wrists and gasping when the material bit into his skin sharply enough to break it. He didn't stop struggling though, finding some sort of grounding in the painful action.

Sometime during all this, Eagle had taken Vict and guided him some steps away from the commotion.

Good. He didn't think he'd be able to stand the look on the other boy's face right now.

Instead, Alex kept his murderous gaze turned on Crawley who had his back to him now, the man's focus entirely on the building.

Since the moment Ian had handed the real flash drive to Villanueva, Alex had suspected. The tiniest bit of understanding crawling its way into his brain.

This had all been indeed a mission. He didn't know how and he didn't know exactly when but Alex had managed to let himself be tricked into yet another mission for them. MI6. The bastards who just wouldn't quit.

While he pondered on that fact, the blond began to obsessively drive the heel of his left foot nervously into the ground.

He'd failed. He'd failed to keep MI6 out of his life. He'd been stupid enough to believe that that could ever happen, that they would finally let him go.

_ You're too good Alex. _

_ You have a unique skillset Alex. _

_ You're a spy Alex. _

_ You're an agent, Rider _ .

Alex gasped when a particularly hard twist of his hands sent a sharp pain shooting up his arm but he wouldn’t stop now.

His thoughts were spiraling and his heart was beating wildly and his head was hitting the car behind him again and again and again and damn it he was panicking again! 

And then he made the mistake of glancing Vict's way. The other boy was staring at him while Eagle talked to him, his expression openly readable.

Alex was sure the other boy was looking at him with hate in his eyes. With distrust for the lying prick that he'd been. With fear for the things he'd seen him do tonight. With disgust for the panicking mess he was right now.

The blond dropped his head and looked away, a wave of embarrassment, of shame, making his skin feel feverish and driving his body to a slumped stop. All the nervous movement drained out of him.

Vict would never forgive him.

It was all over.

He'd managed to lose him in the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor baby Alex just can’t catch a break :/


	16. Why don’t we cut the dramatics?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here’s another chapter :)  
> WARNINGS: brief mentions of suicide, it’s along the lines of what’s already happened in the last couple of chapters

Ben couldn’t remember ever feeling as relieved at seeing stun granades raining down around him as he was in that moment. Except maybe that one time in South America…

The flash of light and the booming sound wasn’t something his mind could forget about though, and his body felt the debilitating effects almost inmediately despite having curled down on the floor to protect himself.

His ears distantly picked up on the sound of shouting and more gun firing that quickly died down to be replaced by a ringing silence. His vision was bright and somewhat unfocused, but he was able to distinguish several shadows around him. He could recognize an assault team when he saw one. A friendly one, by the looks of it, since Villanueva’s men were being rounded up against a side wall and disposed of all their weapons.

An outstretched hand came into focus in front of him. 

Ben squinted up to the figure the arm belonged to and accepted the offer of help getting back to his feet, recognizing Ian in the process. A little banged up but an otherwise okay Ian.

“It’s over” he stated with a blank expresion that didn’t betray whether he was relieved or not about their ordeal finally coming to an end. The man was an empty slate when he wanted to be.

Ben only wasted a couple of minutes assesing his own condition and waiting for the effects of the stun granades to wear off completely. While he did so, he gave the room a sweep with searching eyes.

“Where are the boys?”

Ian signaled one of the tac team members to come closer to them without as much as a hand gesture. “My nephew?”

The man took off his helmet and wiped a hand through his sweaty hair. “Outside. They made it out alright”

_ Thank God _ . Ben let out the breath he’d been holding and began to head towards the door when Ian put a hand on his shoulder.

“There’s something you should know”

But Ben shrugged him off. “I can imagine”

And he continued to be on his way. If his suspicions were accurate, Alex needed him now more than ever.

He relinquised the stolen gun he’d managed to get his hands on during the fight without complaint when someone pried it off his fingers. It was empty anyway.

Ben figured he'd find a hostile scene waiting for him once he walked out of the building and made his way towards the cluster of vehicles gathered some distance away, what with MI6 on the ground, if he'd been in fact right about it. But what he hadn't expected to see at all was Crawley towering over his brother with a smirk on his face and a satisfied air around him. And his brother was handcuffed?

“What the hell?” he asked upon arriving. Alex didn’t look up.

Ben took in the whole scenario in front of him.

Crawley was surrounded by some agents while another few made sure to keep Eagle and Victor away from the vehicles. His friend waved at him with a hand gesture that indicated he was unhurt and Ben nodded appreciatively in return. A raised eyebrow later and Eagle confirmed he was taking care of a rather stunned looking Vict. Ben turned his attention back to Alex.

Alex was… he was… he wasn’t okay.

The blond was slumped against the side of a car, his eyes cast downward and his shoulders hunched to the point he seemed to fold in on himself. He wasn’t moving. His chest barely rising up to indicate he was even breathing. He looked… broken.

_ Well, hell no! _

He turned to Crawley.

“What the hell are you doing here? And why is he handcuffed? I swear of God if you’re here to take him away…”

“No one is taking him away” Ian’s voice startled him into taking a step to the side. He hadn’t heard the other man following him out of the building.

“Then free him. What the hell are you thinking?”

“Daniels” Crawley finally aknowledged his presence, “It’s for his own safety. He was… acting out”

“Uncuff him” Ben spat venomously.

“Not until he’s calmed down enough. He tried to attack me” 

_ And I don’t blame him _ , Ben thought, but chose to keep his voice somewhat civil. “He looks calm to me”

What actually unsettled him the most was that Alex wasn’t giving any signs that he was following their conversation or that he was even aware of the people around him.

“I think we should talk first”

“So talk. What’s going on here?”

“I believe we’ve finally managed to break through the piece of evidence that will put Carlos Villanueva away for good” Crawley turned to Ian and the other man nodded firmly.

“The information was decrypted. Villanueva did so himself. He had the equipment with him”

And so it clicked. If he'd needed any confirmation before, he wouldn't get anything more damning than that.

Ben had never before felt the type of fury that was coursing through his veins at that very moment. That explained it all: Ian showing up with the real flashdrive, him being overpowered by Villanueva, the miraculous rescue team. Without stopping one second to think things through, Ben wirled around and smacked a fist into Ian’s face.

“And you used Alex as bait!?” Ian staggered back but didn’t retaliate the punch. Instead he held out a hand to stop the other agents from coming any closer “How long were you planning this? Since the beginning? You said MI6 wouldn’t help us!” 

He tried to hit him again but Ian blocked it and sidestepped out of the way. He still didn’t hit back though. “It’s not what you think”

“It is exactly what I think” his tone was dangerous and he began circling Ian as if trying to find an opening for another attack. 

“I didn’t plan for Villanueva to come here looking for Alex. I suspected it. I didn’t plan for his friend to be kidnapped. It happened”

“And you didn’t waste your time taking advantage of the situation. Taking advantage of him! That’s the only reason you agreed to help us, isn’t it? To finish your mission”

“I agreed to help Alex before contacting ‘6 about it. It just seemed like a waste not to take the chance to do both”

"Explain to me what part of that made you think it was a good idea. Making him go through that? You could’ve played this a hundred different ways! Do you have any idea what you just made Alex go through?”

“I didn’t expect things to take such a turn. But it’s over now. We accomplished what we came here to do”

Over? Things weren’t over. They were far from over! One look at Alex’s defeated state and Ben could only see all the progress they’d made over the years being thrown out the window. Ian didn’t— he couldn’t—

“You have no idea, do you!? The best thing you could’ve ever done for him was stay dead! You… all of you are like a cancer to his life!”

“Daniels, why don’t we cut the dramatics. We have work to do”

“And you!” Ben tried to launch himself at Crawley. He wanted the man to hurt. He wanted him to bleed for everything MI6 had ever done, but Eagle had materialized at his side and prevented him from doing something that would surely get him arrested. Ben uselessly pushed him off but his friend wouldn’t be deterred.

“He needs you” Eagle wispered in his ear, “Calm down”

Ben turned back to Ian and mustered a calm but authoritative voice. “You’ll finish what you came here to do. Arrest these people, pack your evidence and _go_. Stay away from Alex”

Ben ignored Ian’s nod and Crawley’s smug face as the men walked away from them and back towards the building. There were agents still surounding them, not about to let them out of their sight, but at least Ben could breathe again a little easier, that all consuming anger held better at bay.

He shrugged Eagle off and shook his aching hand. That had been one hell of a punch.

The bastard deserved it.

Ian and Crawley had stopped to talk to eachother in hushed and rushed words but Ben paid them no mind. He glanced momentarily at Alex’s still form and let out a sigh, turned around and walked alongside Eagle towards Victor.

He could tell he'd surprised the boy when all he did for a while was envelope him in a bone crushing hug.

Victor seemed okay, at least physically, and he knew that that would go a long way into helping Alex recover from this as well. "I'm glad you're okay and I'm sorry you had to go through all of that"

And he meant it. Ben hadn't just been worried about Victor merely for Alex's sake. After two years, he'd finally wormed his way into caring for the other boy. Enough to fear for his life almost as much as Alex had.

But Victor was quiet, hugging him back with just the polite effort to be even considered a hug. Ben let him go.

"Are you gonna be okay? You should get checked out by a doctor"

"'m fine" Vict mumbled and glanced beyond Ben, "but Alex... is he...?"

Ben sighed. "He's having a hard time right now. I think he needs a minute"

For a second, the other boy looked like he wanted to argue and make his way to Alex but the intent died quickly and he averted his gaze with a nod, steping a few feet away from them all. Eagle signaled Ben to get closer.

"I'll keep an eye on him" his friend whispered "You should go back to Cub. He was... well, I think he was having some sort of episode. It wasn't pretty"

"None of this is pretty. Actually, absolutely everything has been fucked to pieces. We'd worked so hard..."

"Just go to him. I'll take Vict home"

"They're gonna want to talk to him. And you" Ben warned, fearing MI6 wouldn't just let them walk away from this.

"They can try. After he gets some rest or something" Ben nodded and patted his friend on the shoulder.

"You were spot on"

Eagle gave him a small smile. "I know"

Ben couldn't even remember the number of times he owed his life to the man. There was nothing like having Eagle watching your back on the field.

Trusting his friend to do as he'd said, Ben turned around and made his way back to his brother.

Before he could focus his attention solely on him though, Ben forced himself to detour towards Ian. "I'm taking him home"

"They'll want to talk to him"

Ben shook his head. "He knows not to tell anyone about this"

"They'll still—"

" _Make_ it happen. This is over for him. You can stay and clean up your mess but I'm taking Alex home with me. _Now_ "

Ian stared at him for a moment, his expresion betraying nothing and nodded after a while. "I'll handle Crawley. They won't bother him again"

_ Good _ . Ben turned around and left the man standing there.

When he finally, finally, reached Alex, he knelt beside him. Ben let him know he was going to touch him before doing so but didn't wait for an answer before putting a hand on his shoulder. The blond let himself be manouvered forward away from the car so Ben could take a look at his restraints. Alex hadn't been handcuffed but zip tied and Ben called out to one of the agents closest to them.

"Get me a knife" and the man inmediately produced one.

He cut away the ties and carefuly guided Alex's hands back front. His wrists were bloodied raw and Ben had to keep himself from lashing out in anger again.

When Alex didn't even try to move some circulation back into his hands, Ben knew he was in for a very difficult task. To bring Alex out of his stupor.

"Hey"

Nothing.

"Alex"

The blond didn't flinch when Ben reached a hand to tug on his chin but he did resist and pulled his head away. Ben guessed that was better than nothing.

He decided to go from kneeling to sitting next to him against the car and waiting however long he needed to wait. As he'd hoped, eventually Alex rested his weight sideways until Ben was the only thing keeping him upright.

His next words broke Ben's heart.

"I was gonna do it" 

"I know"

"I was ready to do it"

Ben closed his eyes and tried to keep the pain out of his voice. "I know"

Despite sounding defeated as hell and speaking barely above a whisper, at least he was coherent, and Ben would take his victories where he could.

Ben didn't bring up Ian or the terrible plan they'd all fallen victims of, not that he believed Alex hadn't already figured it out, beyond letting his brother know that they were free to go home whenever he felt like it. There was no rush, Ben assured him, although he would've given anything to just snatch Alex right away and keep him away from MI6 and Ian.

"Vict?"

Ben was surprised the question hand't come up sooner but he didn't comment on it. "He's alright. He's with Eagle"

Alex didn't ask about him again.

He had to wait almost half an hour before Alex moved and pushed himself to his feet ignoring Ben's attempt to help him. He seemed steady enough, maybe even too steady, but Ben just frowned and guided him towards the rental car they'd used to follow him to the building, a little acommodation from the ensurance company while they tried to fix his car, which miraculously hadn't been totaled after the crash. He figured Eagle had charmed his way into making someone give them a ride to Vict’s place.

It didn't take them long to get home.

Newcastle wasn't a particularly large city and Ben let out his own sigh of relief when they turned into their street and found parking quickly enough, given how late at night it already was.

Alex continued to worry him. He seemed to have broken out of whatever frozen state he'd fallen into back at the building but he still hadn't said a word on their way home.

Once in the elevator, Ben took to studying the blond's face. There were bruises already blossoming on the right side of his face, most likely from Villanueva's fists, and a faint irritated coloring on his neck. If someone had grabbed for it, Ben didn't think it'd been hard enough to bruise.

They made it to their floor.

"Why don't you go take a shower while I make you something to eat? Then we can take care of those” he said signaling his wrists.

Alex's grimace was answer enough. "Please, don't make me eat anything. I'll just throw it back up"

Any other day, Ben would've pushed, but it wasn't any other day. "Alright. Just tea then. I promise" he added when Alex got ready to refuse him again. But his brother sighed and nodded making his way further into the apartment.

"Do you need help with that?" Ben asked when Alex made his way to the bathroom after getting a set of pijamas from his room.

"I'm fine"

He was so not fine. But Ben didn't say anything.

He also didn't walk away from just outside the bathroom until he heard the shower running. Then he made his way to the kitchen to start a kettle.

Ben let his own exhausted body fall into a chair at the breakfast table and rest his forhead on his folded arms.

Jesus, what a night! Horrible circumstances aside, it had been way too long since he'd done anything remotely exciting in his life. The adrenalin of the situation had kept him going for hours and he probably could've kept fighting off Villanueva's men all night with how alive and electrified his body had felt.

Now though, he was reminded of how out of shape his body was. He was feeling every ache and bruise with each breath and he knew his body was demanding some rest, some sleep.

He wondered when Alex would feel the same.

He must've fallen asleep at some point because the next thing he was aware of was the hissing of the boiling kettle and someone shouting his name from a distance.

Wait, what?

Ben shook the cobwebs from his mind enough to realize that it was Alex who was yelling for him. He turned off the stove and dashed towards the bathroom.

He stopped short of barging in and glued an ear to the door. "Alex?"

"I need help"

Ben didn't think twice. He pushed the door open, relieved to find it unlocked, and went inside to find Alex sitting at the edge of the tub dangling dangerously close to falling off. The water was still running and Ben was surprised to see the blond undressed and dripping wet from head to toe. It had been years since Alex had let himself be seen naked by anyone other than his boyfriend so to have him this openly exposed was unerving even for him.

"I-I can't ge-get out" he was shaking. His body wracked by so many spasms it was a miracle he hadn't already toppled over. "Ben I ca-can't m-move. Help- help me"

Ben was shocked into action. The first thing he did was snatch a towel from where they hung on the wall and put it on Alex's lap to cover him. He knew how much it must've been nerving him to be naked in front of him. Then he shot off the water before kneeling in front of the tub and gathering the trembling body in his arms.

"I'm here. It's okay. I'm here"

Broken gasps reached him and he tightened his hold even more.

"I'm s-sorry. Sorry. It wo-won't stop" sure enough, the blond's body continued to shake out of his control and beyond buring his head on Ben's shoulder, he wasn't capable of doing anything else. Ben craddled a hand on the back of his head.

"Shh. It's okay. It's normal, Al. Just let it pass. Ride it out"

But the littany of _sorry's_ and _help me's_ didn't stop. Ben continued to coach him through the adrenalin crash as best as he could, mindful of the vulnerable position the whole ordeal had decided to catch up on Alex.

Ben had become an unwilling expert on what to expect after a suicide attempt. He'd spent hours reading and researching on the subject. It wasn't as though he'd expected Alex to actually attempt something against himself, as much as the teen had accused him of it a few days ago, but he'd wanted to be ready. Just in case. And he'd also been ready to finally let that fear go but now that Alex had... Ben could never have imagined that Alex would be forced, out of all things _forced_ , into even thinking about it. He knew he'd never be able to get the image of Alex holding a gun to his own head out of his mind for as long as he lived.

After what felt like a lifetime, Alex's trembling turned into shivering and Ben could feel the goosebumps breaking all over his skin. That's when he was reminded of the fact his brother was still very much naked and damp. "Come on"

Alex was pliant under his ministrations and Ben was quick to dry him with the towel before helping him get dressed. 

The blond seemed steadier now that the worst had passed and he was able to stand up on his own and away from the tub. Ben toweled his hair last and was glad to catch the scent of shampoo that lingered on the blue material. At least Alex had managed to wash himself up. That would help him sleep better.

Ben had to almost carry him to the couch, which wasn't an easy feat considering Alex had lost his teenager complexion long ago. The blond still complained about being short but there was nothing childish about him now. Ben deposited him gently on the couch.

He went back to the kitchen to fix the blond a cup of tea before he could go wash up himself and wasn't really surprised to find Alex curled on his side and passed out by the time he came back.

He left the cup on the coffe table and sat at the edge of it, leaning closer over Alex to run his fingers through the still damp blond hair. He pushed the rebel locks out of his peaceful looking face and took a moment to enjoy the fact that Alex was here, at home, safe and resting. 

Ben's eyes watered when he thought about how close he'd come to losing his brother that day and he wiped at them before any tear could fall. He needed to be strong for Alex. He needed to be okay.

He was ready to go back to taking care of himself when his phone buzzed silently inside his pocket. He fished it out with a groan and glanced at the caller id before hitting the answer button.

It was time for an update from Eagle.

He could only hope the night wouldn’t turn up worse than it already had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did someone finally punch Ian? Yes!


	17. I find it helps to talk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is from Vict’s PoV. Let’s see how he’s really dealing with the aftermath of his kidnapping considering Alex is sort of unavailable at the moment. By the way, fear not, things are gonna start looking up for Alex soon enough. We just have to get all the angst out of their systems first.  
> Happy reading!

Victor was staring at the mirror over the bathroom sink.

His eyes, tired and red rimmed, were taking in every drop of blood that colored the entire right side of his face and ran all the way down his neck until they stained the collar of his shirt.

Without much effort, he could still feel the weight of Marcus' body dragging him down and if he closed his eyes, he could see the blank dead gaze staring straight back at him.

He shuddered and lifted the t-shirt over his head, gave it a sniff and threw it on the floor. The thing was beyond repair now, not that he'd want to wash it and hold on to it. He would burn it if he actually thought the fire would burn away the memories as well.

There had been so many dead bodies, and so much gunfire. Victor had to physically shake his head to keep the images at bay.

While he undressed, his body complained about the strain of the last couple of days. The tumble down the stairs had left him a fair share of bruises and an uncomfortable twinge on the knee.

He was also in desperate need of a shower. He hadn't taken one since the day he'd left the hospital and he longed for the hot spray to wash away both the dried blood on his face and the aches of his body.

He stood unmoving under the running water for the first ten or fifteen minutes, just enjoying the steamy atmosphere around him and he moved some time later to grab the bottle of shampoo out of sheer force of will. He would stay there forever if he could.

The knuckles of his right hand stung while he washed his hair and only too late did he remember he wasn't supposed to get the recently desinfected wound on his forehead wet. So much had happened since the car crash that his head had been the least of his worries.

_ Keep the wound dry. I'm pretty sure I've taken the stitches off out of time but one of them had popped anyway. It should be fine. _

With a shrugg, Vict figured that getting it wet just this once wouldn't be the death of him.

One of the agents that had brought them home had offered to check him out and clean the cut but had ended up removing the stitches in a painful yet quick process. Victor hadn't thanked him.

In fact, he had barely said a word during his ' _debriefing_ ' beyond the answers he was forced to give concerning Alex and the whole mess with Carlos Villanueva. They mostly just asked about Alex. About how much he knew of his past.

_ I don't know anything. _

_ You must know something by now. _

_ Just that he was a spy. I really don't know anything else. _

They swore him to secrecy anyway.

The agents had moved on to interrogating Eagle who had been made to wait inside his room while the agents talked to Victor to _prevent a biased interrogation._

After that, Victor had locked himself in the bathroom for the duration of their stay and only considered showering when he heard the front door open and close behind the agents.

Now, almost an hour later, he was lamenting the loss of the comforting warm after turning the water off and stepping out of the slippery shower. He'd been meaning to buy a new anti-slip mat since the previous one had lost its grip but the task kept being put aside under the pretense of lack of time. In reality he was just too lazy to remember to buy one.

It took him another half hour to get dressed in a semi decent pair of sleep clothes before he felt ready to talk to someone again. He had an uninvited guest in the livingroom after all.

"Bathroom is yours if you want it" he indicated as he bypassed Eagle on his way to the open little kitchen on the corner. His open apartment was the epitome of privacy with its 60 square feet, if one lived alone. The place just wasn't meant to accomodate anyone else. Except for Alex, who had lately spent more nights there than at his own place, but he didn't want to think about that.

The man in question, Alex's and Ben's friend, had a sort of loud presence to him even when he was silent. It was impossible to miss his aura of self assuredness combined with the gentleness of his eyes. Victor thought his code name was fitting. You wouldn't miss the presence of an Eagle even if it stood in a corner silently analizing its surroundings. 

Eagle, the man, not the animal, was certainly like that. 

The soldier might have nodded but Victor hadn't spared him a glance, focusing on reaching safely for a glass in the high cupboard with a slightly trembling hand. They had started shaking hours ago but Victor figured there wasn't much he could about it.

What he could do was drink something. And eat, for God's sake, eat! By his calculation, it had been more than 24 hours since the last time his stomach had had anything other than bruises, a lot more, and he was famished. Weirdly sick too, but mostly just famished.

He figured he should make his guest something to eat as well. The man did help rescue him after all.

He wasn't surprised to not hear the shower running since Eagle had nothing else to change into and Victor's clothes would never fit the broad man, so it was only a few minutes later that Eagle came back to the livingroom and took to studying him while leaning over the breakfast counter.

Victor had the impression, according to Alex's stories, that Eagle was an annoying force to be reckoned with. A non stopping, never ending story teller that couldn't sit still for more than five minutes.

He was certainly breaking a record now.

Victor would've asked him what he felt like eating. He was sure there were enough ingredients in the fridge to make something out of the blue if he really put his mind to it, but as it was, he was still holding into the glass he'd just retrieved from the cupboard, his brain unable to give his body the comand to move and fill it with water because that would require to... well, to move and he was finding it hard with how heavy his body felt. He wasn't just physically tired, he was mentally exhausted and yet the very thought of sleep caused the heavy weight of dread to settle in his bones. When was the last time he’d slept? It hadn't been recently. So he was too tired to think, he was too tired to move, and he was even too tired to drink water. He was definitely not making dinner. What time was it anyway? Wasn't it too late for dinner? Was it already the next day? Was it—?

A door bell rang.

Victor inhaled sharply and the glass slipped out of his numb hands to shatter loudly on the floor.

He was falling, falling, falling until he found himself sitting on the floor huddling back until the oven pressed into his back and he wrapped his arms protectively around his knees.

He was forced to open his tightly shut eyes when a shadow fell upon him and a deep voice reached his ears. "It's okay. You're safe here"

Was he? He hadn't been safe before when a group of mercenaries had kidnapped him from his own home.

"Door bell" he simply said, not caring if he made any sense. At least Eagle didn't look at him as if he'd lost his mind.

"It was the apartment next door. No one's here but us"

Victor nodded his head jerkily but didn't change his hunched position. Eagle didn't either.

He let his head rest between his knees and coached himself into widening and evening his breaths. He hadn't had many panic attaks in his life and the ones he'd had he'd managed to control on his own, for the most part. This was no different.

He'd helped Alex find his way out of plenty of them over the years and he'd always wondered how a person could live with the constant threat of an attack lurking behind every memory. He'd always considered the blond a strong and resilient person since he managed to live his life despite them. Victor didn't think he'd have it in him to be like Alex.

Movement at the corner of his eye had him lifting his head to see Eagle start to pick up the dangerously close glass shards but the man waved him away when he tried to help. "I've got it. Just relax for a minute there"

Victor was anything but relaxed. "I'm sorry. I don't know why I did that"

"Nonsense. You're the one who now has to buy a new glass so no need to apologize"

Victor could appreciate his attempt at taking the edge off the situation with humor, it's something he himself would've done if the cowering body on the floor wasn't his own.

"I can clean it" he wouldn't be deterred though. This was his kitchen, his glass, his mess, but Eagle gently pushed his hands away.

"Please, let me help"

"I don't need help"

"I think you do"

"It's just glass. I can sweep the shards and throw them away" he was already on his knees but Eagle's arm hovered over the broken glass as if he was protecting the jagged pieces.

"Maybe it's not that easy"

Victor didn't want to think the look on the other man's face was pity. "Why wouldn't it be? It's just glass" but he sat back down anyway, hugging his knees to his chest once more.

"It isn't just the glass"

Victor frowned. What were they talking about again?

"You" Eagle replied, which made Victor realize he’d spoken outloud.

"We are _not_ talking about me"

"I think we should"

Did he now? "I'm fine"

"Then what do you call this?"

Victor thought he meant the broken glass on the floor. "An accident"

"I have another name for it" and when Victor remained silent, Eagle fired his shot "PTSD"

The syllables had such a dark and foreign ring to them that Victor couldn't suppress a laugh.

"I don't have PTSD"

Eagle looked like the denial wasn't unexpected "Do you even know what it is?"

"Post traumatic stress dissorder" Victor nodded, answering mechanically "I don't have PTSD. I can't"

"You think only soldiers who've been to war can have it?" Victor was about to ask just what did he know about it when he caught himself at the last second by remembering Eagle was a soldier and would, in fact, know what he was talking about. Feeling slightly ashamed, Victor dismissed the unsensitive question and opted to divert his gaze while Eagle continued to talk and clean away the broken glass. “PTSD is nothing to feel ashamed of. You’ve had a rough few days so nobody’s expecting you to bounce back from it right away. Being abducted isn’t something to take lightly, and these?” he asked, signaling Victor’s torn knuckles, “These mean you fought and that’s all anyone could have asked of you in a situation like that. You were brave and that’s all that matters. You should be proud”

Victor wanted to protest that he didn’t feel brave, or proud, but he remained silent, tucking his hand into his chest as if hiding the evidence would make it go away.

Eagle completed his task in silence after that and Victor was thankful the man didn't insist on making him move into the couch or his room. He didn't ask if he still wanted water or if he wanted to do anything other than just sit silently on the kitchen floor where the man took to sit as well. But the silence couldn't last forever and after a while Eagle made a seemingly innocuous comment.

"I find it helps to talk"

Victor let the back of his head rest against the oven, the handle just short of brushing his forehead, and contemplated to notion.

Talk about what?

Getting kidnapped wasn't something that was supposed to happen to him. That was something that happened to unsuspecting little kids that got snatched from the streets, or to new born babies who got taken from the hospital. People got kidnapped in big cities or walking home in the middle of the night after too many drinks at the bar.

People got kidnapped in the movies. Not in real life. At least not him anyway.

Victor hadn't been supposed to get taken away from the safety of his own home in broad daylight. He guessed he could talk about the hard time he was having reconciling with the fact he didn't feel safe in his apartment anymore, the place that was meant to be his refuge against the hardships of his life: losing his mother, living with his uncle, being abused by that uncle.

But instead of accepting Eagle's offer to talk about all of that, he said to the other man, "They made me sign the Official Secrets Act"

"Doesn't mean you can't talk to anyone" 

"I'm pretty sure that's exactly what it means"

"There are always exceptions" Eagle said signaling himself. 

Victor raised an eyebrow, "You mean you" he stated.

"Or Fox. Cub. Anyone of us is cleared" 

"They made you sign too?"

"Pfff! They made us sign that thing years ago. Everyone has to when it comes to Cub"

Victor went silent for a few minutes, deliberating the benefits of laying out all his fears in the open. He couldn't find any. 

Instead, he steered the conversation towards something Eagle was sure to talk about for hours. "Why do you call him that?"

If the man noticed the evasion, he didn't call him out on it. "Cub? I mean, look at him. He's like a puppy"

Victor gritted his teeth because he used to think that too.

"I'm not sure he's so harmless" he replied with a note of resentment in his voice. 

"Please," Eagle answered with a snort "He wouldn't hurt a fly. Unless the fly was trying to hurt him... or the ones he loves"

"Right... then he becomes a _spy_ " 

Victor had to frown at his own pettiness. He thought he'd gotten over the lie the moment Alex had walked into that room with the promise of a rescue, the relief of seeing him outshining the fact he'd been there in the first place because of the blond. Now, still feeling the remnants of his panic attack, he wasn't so sure.

But Alex...

Victor dug his fingers into the skin of his arms. He wanted to go back to how things were a week ago. He wanted the person he fell in love with back. He wanted _his_ Alex back.

"I don't know him anymore" he said with a defeated sigh because, after all, Eagle had managed to engross him into the conversation.

"I wouldn't say that. I think you're the one that knows him better out of the rest of us" 

Victor made a disbelieving sound in lieu of denying that statement, which prompted Eagle to keep going. 

"The thing is, people think they want the kind of life Cub's had. I mean, what part of 'teenage spy' doesn't sound exciting as hell?" Victor's eyes were glued to the man, desperately hoping to find an answer in his words "And yes, Cub is amazing when it comes down to it. But I've also seen how that life broke him, how much it hurt him. And we weren't even close at the time”

"You have no idea how much he's changed since he met you. The way he used to flinch away from everyone, the brooding silence. Now he's got that spark back. I mean, I knew Cub was funny but I didn't know he could laugh so hard. I didn't know he was into relationships, or guys for that matter. You know a side of him none of us ever saw until you showed up" Victor shifted uncomfortably on the floor, Eagle's words tugging at something inside his chest, "I guessed, underneath his armor, that he was sensitive, but I didn't know he could feel so deeply. Not like the way he feels about you. You're more important to him than you realize and he wouldn't have put himself back on MI6's radar if he didn't love you as much as he does. If anything, don't punish him for loving you enough to keep you away from that life. To protect you from it"

Victor was speechless, his heart logged painfully in his throat.

In the midst of all the guns, blood, secret service agents and official documents, Victor had never thought about it like that.

That Alex lied to him because he loved him?

Now, somehow, Victor could see it. He could see his boyfriend throwing himself into the bullets' path to protect him, the way he'd come to the ransom meeting no questions asked, how he'd put himself in danger by getting kidnapped as well just so he could free him. The way he'd fought to keep him alive.

"How do we get back from this?"

Could they? Go back to the way things were? He wasn't sure.

Eagle tilted his head as if in deep thought before a smile broke in his so far serious face. "Think about it like this: you get to meet him all over again"

But Victor's doubts still lingered in his mind. "I don't want to lose the Alex I know"

"You don't have to. Maybe you'll just gain the one we know"

At the lack of answer, Eagle hoisted himself off the floor. Maybe his body ached from the hard surface or maybe he’d deemed the conversation over, but Victor was quick to snatch one of his arms before he could walk away. “Thanks, Eagle”

Somehow the man hadn’t just managed to bring him out of his panic attack, he’d also managed to teach him a life lesson in the process. Eagle smiled kindly back at him.

“It’s Stan” he said with a shrug, “Short for Stanley”

“I thought you guys didn’t let anyone know your names”

“You’re Cub’s boyfriend, that makes you almost family in my book”

Victor let him go after that.

He waited all but two minutes before following him into the livingroom where the man had made himself comfortable on the couch. Victor was glad to notice his breathing had gone back to normal and his body didn’t feel as weak as before. 

He sat on the arm of the couch.

"Have you heard from him?"

"I called Fox while you showered" Eagle said with a nod.

Victor rubbed his hands together anxiously. "How is he? He seemed... out of it, before we left"

The memories of Alex desperately lashing out before going eerily still wasn’t something he would forget anytime soon. That type of agitation, the sudden change. It was something he’d never seen from the other boy before.

The other man let out a defeated sigh, which couldn't mean anything good. "Fox didn't say much. He's resting. What Alex did... you know, with the gun" Victor didn't miss the fact he'd called Alex by name and his heart could only thud heavily in response, "Well, it's kind of a touchy subject for them"

It didn't take much for the understanding to turn into a shocked gasp. "Has he—?"

Eagle shook his head. "To my understanding he hasn't. He swears he hasn't but... you saw him today"

"But, that was— It was a ruse, right? He wouldn't have— He was stalling for time, wasn't he? He wasn't going to— He wouldn't!"

"Calm down" Eagle brought his hands up in a placating manner, "He didn't do it. He's alright"

But Victor sprung to his feet. "Is he? I should... I should talk to him. Is he gonna come here? Can I go to Ben's?"

"Easy there. Fox's got him. He knows how to handle him when he gets like this. We should give them some space and they'll work things out. Which reminds me... you don't mind me staying here for the night, do you?"

Victor ran a hand through his mostly dry hair swallowing the urge to make his way to his boyfriend's side. He was going to have to trust that Alex's brother could deal with the implications of what Eagle had just revealed.

Victor told the soldier he could stay as long as he didn't mind sleeping on the couch and the other man happily accepted. He also clapped his hands together before rubbing them in an excited way.

"So... dinner?"

Victor signaled the kitchen. "Help yourself out" and he made his way into his room.

He flopped himself into the bed, content to eat whatever Eagle could come up with and stared at the ceiling for a while. Then, out of habit, he fumbled a hand over the bedside table. If he couldn't go to Ben's yet, then at least he'd send a message to the other boy telling him he was there if... Victor frowned and propped himself up to search for his elusive cellphone before he remembered the phone had also been kidnapped alongside him and it was probably still somewhere inside that building or inside an evidence bag. He cursed.

He didn't think he was getting it back any time soon.

_ Awesome _ , he thought sarcastically and buried his head on the pillows once more, resigned to waiting who knew how long before he could talk to his boyfriend again.

He hoped he didn't have to wait long.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few comments:  
> \- I don’t know if K-unit’s names were ever revealed in the original books. I honestly can’t remember, so I came up with the name Stanley for Eagle.  
> \- Also, I have no idea how the Official Secrets Act work, so I just had Eagle telling Vict he was allowed to talk about Alex and everything that happened with the people who already knew about Alex’s life.  
> I think that’s it. I hope the chapter at least made some sense and was good enough for you to like it. I’m getting more and more comfortable writing from Vict’s PoV and I hope the chapter helped us understand a bit more about his character. Vict isn’t perfect (as much as Alex and all of us would like him to be), but he’s learning and who said relatioships were easy? Dating Alex is sure to be a handful.  
> I apologize for the long note but sometimes I love my boys so much I just can’t help it!  
> Anyway, next chapter: back to Alex!


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Be ready for this chapter because it’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for!  
> WARNINGS: things become explicit at the end of this chapter but it’s marked so you can know where the part begins. Other than that, I’d say angst and feelings. Lots and lots of feelings :)

Alex opened his eyes grogilly and stared at the blank television until the fog cleared from his mind and the blurriness from his eyes.

His body felt heavy and stiff, as if he'd spent the last 48 hours running a non stop marathon. His mind, however, was incredibly clear.

He recognized his surroundings instantly, zeroing in on the fact it was still nighttime and wondering why Ben had let him nap on the couch instead of herding him towards his room. The man had probably been out of his mind with worry, not that he could blame him, and had preferred not to wake him.

Alex stretched his sore muscles and winced. The bruises from the recent fights blossoming rather quickly. 

Then he sat up.

The world tilted on its axis and Alex closed his eyes for as long as the dissorientation lasted. Then he jumped when Ben's voice reached him.

"You're awake! Finally. You need to eat, and drink water. And you should probably move around for a while or you're gonna feel even more stiff. Can you stand up? Do you need help?"

Alex stared at his brother who had just walked into the living room and sighed. Some things would never change, and Ben's overreactions were one of them.

Feeling the call of nature asking him for a bathroom run, Alex got up from the couch and immediately fell down again.

"Wow, wow. Easy there. Try doing that more slowly. You haven't eaten anything in over a day"

Alex frowned when his vision finally cleared and glanced up at Ben who had taken a few steps his way but remained an uncharacteristic yet appreciated distance away.

His voice, when he spoke, was raspy with disuse. "I ate lunch with you" He reminded the older man.

"That was yesterday"

For how clear his mind had been a second ago, it took him some effort to grasp the meaning of those words. “How long was I asleep?”

Ben sat down next to him on the couch. “18 and a half hours”

“What!?”

Alex had enough foresight not to spring to his feet in outrage. _I missed a whole day?_

“Why the hell didn’t you wake me?” Ben shrugged, face completely unapologetic.

“I called Dr. Gwen,” great, now Alex’s therapist was involved. “She said to let you sleep the events off no matter how long it took. Also called Snake, he agreed”

Alex’s heart was hammering. “Awesome! So you told him too?” His voice was dripping with sarcasm and sounding clearer by the second. “I can imagine that conversation going well. _Hi there Snake, just calling to say Cub tried to kill himself, should I let him sleep a few more hours?_ ”

“It’s not—”

“You figured out where you’re gonna send me next? A mental institution? Got to keep me under watch, right? Well, it’s not necessary because I wasn’t really going to, you know?”

“Alex—”

“Why would I? I knew you had a plan, that Eagle was still somewhere. I knew that, alright? I knew!” Ben tried to get another word in, but the blond was on a tirade, rubbing anxious hands together on his lap and willing his body not to betray him with weakness again because he wanted to get on his feet and start pacing around. He didn’t, though. “You didn’t have to tell anyone. Now they’ll think I’m mental, that I’ll need constant vigilance. Well I don’t, alright!? I wasn’t going to do it. Not really”

“Al, listen…” 

“It was a bluff Ben. You familiar with the concept? A bluff. It means a lie. I wasn’t going to do it, I swear. I wasn’t—”

“It’s okay if you were!!!”

Alex gasped and recoiled away from Ben’s sudden yell. Blood was rushing in his ears to the rhythm of his frantically beating heart and he stared at his older brother with a mixture of fear and shock in his eyes. He thought Ben would leave it at that and storm out the room, but instead he grabbed into Alex’s shirt and pulled the blond in for a crushing hug.

“It’s okay if you thought about it. I don’t love you any less for doing so and I don’t blame you either”

Alex was hesitant to return the hug. He didn’t think he deserved it. He didn’t need it anyway, because he wasn’t going to…

“I should’ve chosen to save you” he murmured against Ben’s chest and the man tightened his hold.

“No, you shouldn’t have”

“It was an easy choice. There was no comparison, you have to know that” his voice was urgent and when he finally made his arms circle the other man back, he clung to him like a lifeline. “You have to. I swear to you the choice was easy. Ben, the choice was easy, you have to believe me. But I— I couldn’t do it. I don’t know why I couldn’t do it. In that moment I couldn’t choose, that’s why I almost—”

He wouldn’t say it, not yet. He pulled out of the hug and turned his head away. “I’m sorry I couldn’t choose”

Ben took his time to come up with a reply. Maybe his halted confession had rendered him speechless, or maybe he just didn’t believe him. Either way, the man was silent for a long minute.

When he spoke though, he made Alex’s eyes burn with a mixture of shame and affection.

“I really don’t know how to make you understand that none of what happened was your fault, so I’m not going to. I just hope that one day you’ll get to see that on your own” Alex squeezed his eyes shut and waited for Ben’s weight to lift off the couch. “Instead, I’m going to state a few facts. It’s up to you whether you accept them or not”

The words intrigued him enough to turn back around and stare into Ben’s eyes. The man hadn’t moved an inch from his position and it didn’t look like he was going to any time soon. Alex was relieved about that. 

“You love me” Ben stated and no matter how uncomfortable everything said after that was, Alex didn’t look away. “And you love Ian. You love Victor. If anything, I believe that’s the extent of your loving capability right now. You’re closed off and you don’t let yourself get attached. You don’t trust people, you don’t even like people” the blond swallowed, wondering where Ben was going with all of this and feeling every word like a painful stab to the heart. “You’ve been hurt too much by other people in the past and you’ve been left behind. Yet, still, you chose to be brave enough to let us in and to keep living no matter what. Last night you were threatened with someone taking away everything you love and you felt you had no other choice than to stop living yourself so the rest of us could live. If you ask me, that’s the most admirable thing a person could ever do” Alex’s heart was lodged in his throat trying to break free of it’s painful knot. He couldn’t even swallow the hurt away. “I understand what you did and why you did it. I don’t think you don’t love me enough for not choosing. I think you love all of us too much to choose. If anyone needs to forgive you Alex, it’s you. So forgive yourself Alex, because the rest of us already have”

The blond had been obssessively driving a thumb into the palm of his hand but he stopped abruptly when Ben finished his speech. 

He didn’t know what to say. Part of him wanted to argue, to refute everything his brother had said and carry on feeling guilty and ashamed. That was easier, because it was how he already felt. But another part of him wanted desperately to accept it and be able to move on from it all. If he wasn’t in the right state of mind to believe it himself, did he trust Ben enough to blindly accept his truths? 

He decided to accept the ones he’d known for a while now. He loved Ben and he loved Victor. He also loved his uncle no matter how messed up their history was.

_ I love Victor _ .

He’d never said it out loud. He’d never even said it to himself, but he’d be damned if he didn’t acknowledge it now.

He was grateful Ben knew how to interpret his silence, his need to think things over until his mind settled.

“Have you heard from Vict?” he also knew Ben didn’t expect him to aknowledge his statements. God blessed the man and how well he knew him.

His brother leaned back against the couch, exhausted. “I talked to him this morning. He kept calling your phone”

“Is he okay? What did you tell him?”

“He sounds fine. I explained some things to him, things he needs to know”

Alex swallowed back a renewed wave of shame. It wasn’t like Vict hadn’t been there to witness his moment of weakness, but to have him know it was something Ben had been monitoring for years wasn’t exactly encouraging.

He nodded in understanding.

“What time is it?”

“It’s late, you could use another night of sleep” 

“Don’t you think I’ve slept enough?”

Ben turned narrowed eyes his way. “Just give it another night. I’ll drive you there tomorrow”

“And what about MI—”

“Another night, Al. Just give it one more night”

The blond conceded defeat.

“Fine” 

“So… food?” Alex thought about it for a second before sighing. He was hungry after all.

“Bathroom first, then food”

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Alex hadn’t had time to check his phone that night. After dinner, he’d been so drowsy he almost fell asleep on the couch again as if the previous 18 hours hadn’t happened at all. Thankfully Ben had forced him towards his room this time.

Now he was staring at the screen, the bright morning light filtering in through the unprotected window and eyes roaming over the call history before settling on his latest message.

* _Don’t ring the bell when you come over_ *

He thought it was an odd message for Eagle to send.

True to his promise, Ben explained over breakfast everything that happened during his weird check out from reality at the scene and the hours spent unconscious on the couch. Apparently Ian had also kept his word because MI6 hadn't bothered them at all. He couldn't help wondering how long that would last.

And then they were off to Vict's and Alex was positive his heart was mistaking their destination with a pig slaughter house. 

The blond hadn't explicitly asked about it, but according to Ben's words last night, Vict wasn't mad at him. In fact he'd been worried about his well being and pestering Ben for information. Could it be that the other boy had indeed forgiven him?

But even if he had, could Alex let them get back together? If there was something he'd learned over the years it was that he was dangerous, that people around him got hurt in the best of cases and died in the worst. 

He tried to keep those thoughts from poisoning his mind, but it's not like he hadn't thought about it since the day Victor got taken. Hell, he'd even thought about it before, in the beginning, when he was hurting Vict by not being able to be with him in every way.

Ben had been right. Alex loved Vict more than life. So did he love him enough to set him free? To protect him from the dangerous aura that he never seemed to be able to shake off? 

He didn't want to. But maybe he had to.

Imagining how life would go on without him, Alex was halfway through rehearsing the speech he would dump on the other boy's front step when a shake of his shoulder brought him back to reality.

"We're here" Alex nodded and reached for the handle. "Do I need to wait for you?" Alex didn't think the conversation with Vict would last long. There was no point in dragging it on, but he could do with some time alone after that.

"No. I'll find my own way home if I have to"

Oh how he wished he didn't have to.

"Good luck. Send the bird brain over here on your way in"

Alex couldn't even laugh at that.

If driving there had felt like going to the slaughter house, then walking up the stairs seemed like standing over a cliff with a foot dangling in the air.

_ It’s the right thing to do _ , he kept saying himself so he wouldn't lose his nerve and run away from the edge. _It’s the right thing to do_.

He stopped himself short of pressing the door bell button and knocked on the door instead. He noted uncomfortably how sweaty his palms were and the warm summer morning wasn’t helping his nerves any.

Eagle opened the door.

“Cub!” The soldier blinded him with both his smile and broad chest when he stepped in for a hug. Alex let him have it for about three seconds before disengaging the man’s arms from around himself. “So the prodigal boyfriend returns!”

The blond internally groaned. He was so not up for jokes at the moment. But he shrugged off the comment and gave the man a timid smile.

“Ben’s waiting for you downstairs” 

Out of the corner of his eye he caught a glimpse of Vict stepping out of the bathroom and into his room. He looked like he’d just stepped out of the shower. The day was humid enough that Alex considered cutting his visit even shorter just so he could stand under a cold spray of water himself for the rest of the day.

“I’ll just say goodbye to your boy over there and be on my way then”

Eagle dissapeared into Vict’s room for a few minutes where Alex could hear small conversation and he waited uncomfortably a step inside the apartment, feeling very much like a stranger in a place that had become like a second home to him. Time to say goodbye, he thought.

Vict walked out to see Eagle through the door.

Alex’s heart jumped when he saw the other boy and he ached to get closer and hold him for however long Vict allowed.

He loved that guy so damn much.

Vict greeted him while Eagle said his final goodbye but didn’t fully turn to address him until the door was closed behind the soldier.

When it was finally the two of them left, Alex shifted his weight from foot to foot.

He was glad to notice the other boy looked well. He had expected a more tired or hurt looking Vict, but he seemed rested enough.

Neither of them ventured to start a conversation though, and they stared at each other awkwardly in the middle of the small living room for a while. Maybe Vict would punish him and make him wait in uncomfortable silence until he found the corage to start talking first. This was Alex’s mess to fix after all.

“I’m—”

“Break up with me again and I swear I’ll punch you”

Alex chocked on the rest of his words.

Vict ignored his dumbstruck expression and kept talking. “I mean, you saw me back there. I wasn’t half bad. What do you say, a broken nose for a broken heart?”

Alex’s mind was spinning, trying to come up with an answer. Of all the things he had imagined Vict saying, this was certainly not one of them.

And of all the things he could imagine himself responding, he went with the most eloquent one.

"Huh?" 

"I'm your boyfriend, remember? I know you. That's what you came here to do, right? Break up with me" Vict added, seeing the disbelief on his face.

"Are you?"

"Well, I'm not breaking up with you and I'm not letting you break up with me. So yes"

Vict took a step towards him but Alex mirrored one back, making the playful smile on Vict's face waver a little. A frown replaced it soon after.

Alex closed his eyes briefly, gathering the corage to do what he came here to do, but there was one recent memory that wouldn't stop nagging at him. It was the moment Villanueva's men told him Vict was dead and locked him into a room with his dead body. The anger, the fear... the pain. 

Alex opened his eyes. He didn't want any more pain.

"You're right" he said, voice surprisingly steady and calm "I came here to put an end to this, to all the suffering and pain I've caused you"

He could see what his words were doing to Vict. The older boy had sobered up the second he confessed his intentions, but Alex wouldn't leave that frown on his face for long.

"I had this whole speech planned. I was gonna tell you I would understand if you wanted to leave me, if you never wanted to see me again because I can't promise something like this won't ever happen again"

"But—”

"I was gonna say that" Alex continued, determined to get everything out in the open "And I was going to mean it. But then... then I realized that I want to be selfish for once. When it comes to you, I have to be selfish. I don't want to leave you and I don't want you to leave me. I don't think I could stand it if you did, because I love you more than anything and I won't stop trying to find a way for you to forgive me"

Alex finished pouring his heart out and waited anxiously for Vict to say something in return.

This wasn't the speech he had planned on giving once he arrived to the apartment, but he found that he meant every word the same, if not even more. Vict had said he didn't want to break up. Was there hope for them yet? 

Vict's smile returned full wattage.

"You love me?" of course that was the part he would focus on the most. Alex sent him a small smile of his own. He was surprised his beating heart didn't make his voice break at any moment and he was also awed with how easy it was to confess that usually dreaded four letter word.

"Of course I do. I've loved you for a really long time now and I'm sorry I couldn't say it sooner. Love isn't... it isn't... it's not easy for me. I..." he breathed deeply for a moment to gather his composure once more "I tend to lose the people I love, and I think I would die—"

"Alex—"

"I _would_. I would die if I ever lost you" the blond was getting worked up now but if there was ever a chance to confess all he really felt, it was right then and there.

Vict ventured forward again but Alex raised his hands to stop him from advancing any further. "Al—"

" _No_ , just wait. _Wait_ " the blond pleaded "I also owe you an apology. Because I was never gonna tell you the truth about me. I never wanted you to be a part of that world because it's dangerous and cruel and I don't... I don't like the person I am when I'm involved with that so I couldn't expect you to like it either"

"Who said I don't?"

"Vict, you saw what I did. I'm dangerous. I can hurt people, I can _kill_ people. And when I took the gun" Alex stopped for a second, a flicker of doubt finally making an appearance in his heart. But he'd vowed to be truthful with the other boy from now on. If he wanted Vict to be with him again, then the older boy needed to know everything "It wasn't the first time I thought about it. About ending it all. And I never wanted you to see that side of me because I'm not... I'm not sure I can ever get rid of it entirely. I've tried and I promise you I don't want to die, but you need to know because if you do want to leave me after that, you can. I just wanted you to understand why I never wanted you to see that"

Ignoring his still stiff posture, Vict finally closed the distance between them. Alex didn't back away this time. "Do you want to know what I saw?"

The older boy said craddling a hand to his neck and forcing him to hold his gaze. "What I saw was the bravest person I know being ready to take his own life because he was put into an impossible situation and he couldn't bear to see his loved ones die"

Alex's hands had found their way up Vict's chest and were fisting his t-shirt like it would take an earthquake to make him let go.

"What I saw" Vict continued "Was the hottest guy around kicking ass better than James Bond ever could. What I'm seeing now is the person I love being completely idiotic if he thinks I'm gonna leave him for being who he is. I've told you this before: I like you just the way you are, and I'm sorry I ever made you doubt that"

"But you were right to—"

"No, I wasn't and I promise I will never make you doubt my feelings again"

Alex's stomach did a flip flop. Was this really happening? Was their fight really over? "So you don't hate me?"

Vict's voice lowered, his eyes boring intensely into his. "I love you"

"Can I kiss you?" Alex asked, their bodies already leaning into each other.

"That's my line"

"Then ask it already"

But the other boy didn't ask. He merely removed his hand from Alex's neck and fisted the hair at the back of his head. Their lips crashed together in a searing kiss that made the world finally tilt back in its place for Alex.

He snaked his arms around Vict and brought his body even closer. He never wanted to know how it felt to live without hugging him for more than a day ever again.

Their kiss was turning desperate and with every pull of their lips and swipe of their tonges, they kissed away every harsh word between them, every lie and every secret. They kissed away their insecurities and their fears. They were together again and that was all that mattered.

** (EXPLICIT PART) **

Vict took control of the situation rather quickly after that. He backed Alex into the wall and left no inch of separition between them. Alex wouldn't complain.

It had only been a few days, but he'd missed Vict's touch like a drowning man missed air. Funnily though, it was not breathing right now, with Vict's lips glued to his own, that made him feel like he'd just broken the surface and found life again.

Alex closed the distance between them even more, framing Vict's face between the palms of his hands and kissing the other boy back with as much affection as he could muster.

He tried to convey every one of his feelings into that kiss: relief, regret, need. Love. 

Love.

It wasn't long before they stumbled into the bedroom and Vict sat at the edge of the bed, with Alex straddling his hips.

When it came to either breaking the kiss or dying of suffocation, Vict latched his lips into Alex's neck and the blond moaned breathslessly at the tongue lapping his skin vigorously.

His cock stirred faster after that.

They didn't bother with their clothes. Taking them off seemed like wasting too much time when they could be focusing on touching and kissing each other instead.

But Alex's hard on felt constricted inside his shorts and the way they were sitting had him aligned with Vict's own bulge.

They still didn't bother taking their clothes off.

Alex dug his fingers into Vict's shoulders and the older boy thrusted his hips up, eliciting a gasp from the blond.

Their lips found each other again and this time it was Alex who drove his hips into Vict's. From then on, it felt like his body was alive and acting on its own because he found himself rutting their hard ons together, already needing to find a release to all the tension he'd harbored for the past days.

Vict groaned into his mouth and hugged the blond's waist, pressing them closer together in time with the rhythm of Alex's thrusts. The build up was driving him mad.

"What are we doing?" the blond asked, sweat making his shirt sticky and damp. But for the life of him, he couldn't think of wanting this any other way.

"Do you want to stop?" Vict asked breathlessly and Alex bit into his neck before licking the sweat away.

"No"

Suddenly Vict sprung to his feet, picking Alex up with him and taking two urgent strides towards the bedroom wall to pin him against it.

Alex yelped at the sudden movement and the rush of Vict's first powerful thrust. 

The blond wasn't sure how to describe this feeling. The rough material of his shorts provided a kind of friction he wasn't used to. The strain of his cock trapped in the tight space making every one of Vict's thrusts feel ten times more powerful. Dry humping wasn't something they'd ever done before but Alex could understand the appeal. This felt powerful and raw, despite their skin never touching at all.

But it was also difficult. Alex was balancing himself on his tiptoes, arms sneaked around Vict's neck and more often than not, their position made them miss the mark entirely.

Their arms were slippery with sweat and Alex couldn't help but feel like he was missing something, like this couldn't be enough to achieve realease. 

But it felt so damned good he didn't want to stop and consider what that missing something was. It was probably the feel of Vict's hand on his aching cock though.

Without breaking their kiss, Vict dropped his hands to the back of Alex's thighs and pulled him up higher against the wall.

The blond gasped and wrapped himself into Vict's hold, legs circling the taller boy's waist and hands digging into his back.

They were perfectly aligned now.

Vict's labored breathing turned him on to no end and Alex licked at the other boy's neck until he sunk his teeth into the sweaty skin and sucked for all he was worth. Vict's resulting moan made Alex begin to meet his thrusts.

He could feel the edge getting closer, the need for release more desperate than ever.

But still, there was something... he needed something more, and after a few more minutes of desperate rutting, he decided to try something new.

With his lips kissing into Vict's ear, he started panting words in his ear. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I never wanted you to get hurt. I didn't want you to fear me"

Vict groaned and picked up his pace. "I don't... I don't fear you. I love you"

Damn! He was so close now. Alex wasn't one to speak much during sex, but he found a rushing kind of excitement in running his mouth with whatever came to his mind first. A breathy whine left his mouth and he squeezed his eyes shut.

"And I... I love you too. More than-than anything in the world. I- _fuck_... love you more than- _ngh!_ Vict. I love you. I-I'm gonna... gonna c-cu- _Vict!_ "

His orgasm was powerful, specially because it took Vict a few more minutes to get there and the constant pressure on his sensitive cock was making his orgasm last for ages.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck. Vict, fuck!" 

Alex moaned, and groaned, and whined, and cried out until Vict was doing the same and finally they stopped moving, bodies trembling with both the effort of standing and the aftershocks of their release.

Breathing heavily into their embrace, Vict pushed them off the wall and backed them up towards the bed again, collapsing into it with Alex's weight on top of him, neither of them minding the stickiness in their pants.

When he finally calmed down enough, Alex let out a small laugh. "So this is what make up sex feels like"

Vict laughed and Alex relished in the way his chest shuddered underneath him.

"So good we should do it more often?"

The blond sobered up and raised his head to stare at him. "I don't ever want to fight with you again"

Vict kissed him senseless after that.

Alex would've stayed like that forever but eventually the heat of the room became stiffling and his clothes felt heavy and gross. _Now_ he wanted to take them off. He rolled off Vict's body and laid next to him on the bed.

"How about a deal?" the other boy opened his eyes and stared curiously at him, prompting him to offer an explanation "No more secrets and no more lies between us. We get all of the make up sex with none of the fighting for it"

"That misses the whole point of make up sex"

"Fine. But we keep the fighting to a minimum. Like, once a month, for example"

"Humm, interesting... what would we fight about?"

"I don't know. Who gets the motorbike on the week days?" Vict snapped his head up and stared at him dumbfounded.

"Are you serious?" the blond shrugged.

"We do need a way to transport"

"I would get it on the week days"

"No, _I'll_ get it on the week days. You can have the weekends" Alex countered.

"You spend every weekend here"

"Exactly. So I get it every day"

"You—"

Vict moved quick as a lightning and attacked Alex's body with tickles. They laughed and rolled around until they ended up kissing passionately again.

Alex thought there was nothing that could beat the way he was feeling now. The love, the joy. Until...

"You wanna shower with me?" Vict asked and Alex's stomach jumped with excitement again.

Now he was sure nothing could feel better than this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh boy did things got heated at the end... but our babies are back together! I really hope you guys liked this chapter and I’d love to read your thoughts about it because practically the whole fic was created with this scene in mind as a goal between Alex and Vict, their reconciliation and, of course, the make up sex. I just hope I did it justice :)


	19. Consider it considered

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I cannot even beging to express how difficult it was for me to get this final chapter out. This year has been incredibly stressful for everyone and I fell down a little rabbit hole that took my motivation to write away from me. It was also specially hard to write this chapter because it would mean the end of the main storyline of this series and I gotta admit it’s a bittersweet feeling. I’ve been writing this series since 2017 so it’s been 3 years of powerful emotions and amazing feedback from you guys. Your support of my writing and the characters is what made me able to keep writing them through the years and all the way ‘til the end. I know you’ve waited a lot for a new update and I didn’t want you guys to end the year without one, so I swallowed my conflicted feelings and wrote down the ending of this fic.   
> You can consider this chapter the end of the story, though I may be writing an epilogue sometime in the future. I would also have liked to make it longer, but this is how it turned out. You can expect a disgusting amount of fluff and comfort because I think I made our boys suffer enough already. As it is, there’s also some angst but that’s only because the day I write something non-ansgty is probably the day I stop writing at all. 
> 
> There’s another important note at the end of this chapter so make sure to read it when you’re done. I really hope you like this chapter and the note with which I end the main storyline of the series. It’s emotional and fluffy, so there’s that.
> 
> Now, enough blabbering on my part and happy reading!

A couple of days later found Alex strangely back to routine. Not that he'd been doing anything particularly important before the car crash happened, since he was on vacation from school, but still.

Things had just quieted down compared to the previous week's hussle and it was almost a complete relief. Almost.

Alex couldn't help but feel like he was waiting for the other shoe to drop, like things couldn't have just ended like that. Would MI6 truly stay away? Would his uncle?

The blond sighed, stretching his limbs after a surprisingly good night’s rest and got up from the bed. He was going to start changing out of his pajamas when a knock on the door had him turning around to see Ben peeking his head into the room.

“Hi bud. Can we talk?”

Alex nodded and waved his brother the rest of the way inside, sitting back on the bed and welcoming Ben to do the same. The older man still had until the end of the week before going back to work, having used some of his days off once their situation had turned as dire as it had, so it was no surprise to see that he was still also in sleepwear and looking like they had all the time in the world to talk. Somehow, it was the thought of a long uninterrupted conversation first thing in the morning that had Alex tensing up in anticipation. He didn’t think his psyche could handle any sudden potentially life changing news for a while.

“What’s up?” he asked and was relieved to notice that at least Ben didn’t look tenser than usual.

“I was thinking it was time for us to talk now that things have calmed down a bit”

“Talk about what?” hadn’t they already covered everything there was to be covered?

To his credit, Ben did look a bit apologetic though mainly he seemed determined. “You should start seeing Dr. Gwen again. Regularly”

“I…” Alex wasn’t sure how to respond to such a direct request. It wasn’t like he hadn’t already thought about it, what with the whole Uncle-coming-back-from-the-dead thing, but he was certain Ben meant for Alex to restart regular therapy againg concerning another thing specifically. For the very first time when dealing with this subject, Alex didn’t feel up to denying he needed help or to fight Ben every step of the way in admiting it. With a resolute nod of his head, Alex agreed. “Okay, but only if you start seeing her too”

“What?”

Ben had clearly not been expecting that. When he saw him about to reply, the blond was quick to stop him. “No, listen. I’m not saying it to be difficult. I want to start seeing Dr. Gwen too. But I think you need a little bit of help too”

“How do you reckon?”

“Ben, you’ve given up your life for me. Since the moment you took me in, all you’ve done is put yourself aside in order to help me, in order to heal me”

“Yes, and I would gladly continue to do so. I don’t need to go to therapy for that”

The irony of their role reversal for the first time in as many conversations about therapy was not lost on Alex. He wasn’t sure though if Ben was being difficult for the sake of being difficult or if he was actually oblivious to the point Alex was trying to make.

With a gentle smile, Alex put a hand on his brother’s shoulder and noticed his eyes widen in surprise. “I love you Ben” he started, finding it surprisingly easy and liberating to express his feelings without having to force the words out of his mouth like he was used to. “You’re my family, my brother, in all the ways that count and I know everything you’ve sacrificed to get from where I was to where I am today. I would’ve died by now if it wasn’t for you Ben. Whether it was another mission, or my own recklessness, or my depression. I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you. I may never get better beyond this point in my life, but then again, I thought the same thing a year ago and the year before that. And I still have a lot of issues to work through and I promise I’ll work with Dr. Gwen on them because I want to get better, for you, for Vict and for myself.

“But you already saved me Ben. You’ve done everthing you could to get me to the point where I feel comfortable saying these things to you and I can’t keep letting you put your life on hold because of me. I don’t want to keep living like I’m your patient as well as your brother. I want us to be the kind of brothers that share their life and are there for each other in a relationship that goes both ways. So this is me having a turn at taking care of you: go see Dr. Gwen and have her help you find yourself again. Whether that’s Ben, or Fox or someone else entirely, I’m still gonna be here and I’m still gonna be fighting to overcome my own issues, but it won’t be at the expense of your own life. It won’t be at the expense of your self. And that’s it, that’s all I was going to say” he finished rather awkwardly and abruptly, retreating his hand and waiting for his brother to get over the shock of him stringing so many words together like that, so many powerful words.

It’s not like it was the first time Alex thought about what he’d just dumped on the older man, he’d just never felt confident or entitled enough to suggest to his brother that he’d fallen into a pattern of self-abandon when it came to his own life. Maybe Alex should’ve been selfless enough to see it sooner but after what had happened that week, he would be damned if he continued to let the people he cared about suffer on his account.

Ben cleared his throat after a while, not really succeeding in getting rid of the wobble in his voice when he spoke. “Okay, who are you and what have you done with Alex?”

The blond chuckled. He could understand the surprise in Ben’s expression. He was a little surprised himself at his eloquently expressed insight. “I mean it though. Will you at least consider what I said?”

Ben nodded. “Consider it considered”

“Good”

“Listen Al… I get what you’re saying, okay? I do. But you also get that I would change nothing, right? That I regret nothing because it’s been worth it. _You_ are worth it”

Now it was Alex’s turn to keep his composure in check. “I know Ben. I know”

“Great!” Ben exclaimed, springing to his feet and bringing an end to their rather emotional conversation. “That’s enough talk for one day, don’t you think? Are you down for breakfast at that place at the end of the street?”

Alex was about to reply when his phone suddenly pinged with an incoming text that he confirmed was from Vict with a quick glance at the device resting on his bedside table. The other boy had managed to replace his cellphone merely a day after getting back to his place.

 _*5 minutes?*_ the text read and Alex’s lips began to form the kind of smile he hadn’t shown in a while.

“Ummm…” he started but Ben beat him to it with a ruffling hand on his hair.

“Go. We can have lunch instead”

“You sure?”

“Yeah, wouldn’t want to keep Romeo waiting for long, Juliet”

“Why does everyone asume I’m Juliet?”

“I think it’s the eyes” Ben said, batting his eyelashes mockingly at the same time he made a hasty retreat from the bedroom to avoid the pillow Alex directed his way.

He glanced at the text again, missing the times their coded message to summon each other to the park came almost daily, and he jumped from the bed to get ready. After all, he only had a few minutes left.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

He found Vict waiting for him at their usual spot, the small fountain by the middle of the park, and Alex didn't lose any time hopping himself up on the railing surrounding it. He opened his legs and welcomed his boyfriend between them.

A kiss was quick to follow.

"I come bearing gifts" Vict said, jingling the small paper bag he was clutching in his right hand.

Alex soared at the sight of the goods from their favorite bakery, one not far from Vict's own place. "Did you get the buttered croissants?”

"Two, actually, for each. And a chocolate filled one, to share"

"Ah... you _do_ know me"

Vict snorted and bit his shoulder lightly before stepping back and using Alex's legs as a makeshift table. They began to eat between bouts of kisses and bursts of laughter.

"We haven't been here in so long. I missed this"

Alex couldn't agree more. "Your fault for moving so far away"

"Yeah, yeah, poor me and my limited budget"

Alex smiled and after finishing his last bite of the shared chocolate croissant, ran a hand through Vict's hair. His thumb came near the wound on his forehead, the one from the crash two weeks ago, and he placed a light kiss on top of the still visible bruise.

"This seems to be coming along pretty well"

"Hmm... you think we're in the clear to be resuming those extenuating activities?"

"Haven't we already?" Alex asked, ready to mirror Vict's own devilish smile when the older boy answered back.

"Hardly"

They both laughed and all Alex could do was relish in the sound his boyfriend hadn't felt up to making for a while. The days after coming back and getting back together had been specially hard on Vict, with him trying not to let his new found fears get the better of him while alone at his apartment. Alex had already spent many nights with him, though Vict himself had insisted on Alex returning home by the end of the week, not wanting to become too dependant on his presence to feel safe in the apartment.

Right now though, Vict seemed pretty much back to normal and Alex wrapped his arms around the other boy’s shoulders to bring him closer and pester his entire face with chaste kisses. He didn’t know what was it about that day that was making him act and talk as freely as he was. It was a new feeling for him, but it was a good one.

It was when Vict’s chin was resting on his shoulder, both boys staring at oposite ends of the park when his boyfriend stiffened and broke the embrace to call his attention.

“Alex…” he signaled for Alex to turn around and see the figure approaching calmly from the other side of the park.

Ian.

The blond gripped his boyfriend’s arm reflexively and forced himself to calm his racing heart. He knew this was coming. In fact, he’d _hoped_ this would happen sooner rather than later and, if anything, he was glad this conversation would take place on a day he felt as sound of mind as he could get.

He hopped down from the railing around the fountain and turned around to face the imminent arrival of his uncle.

“Boys” Ian greeted, at least acknowledging his boyfriend’s presence as well, something the rest of MI6 hadn’t been kind enough to do. “I was wondering if I could have a word with you Alex”

It was Vict who gave him a light push towards his uncle, making it clear that he encouraged him to have this conversation in private. “I’ll wait for you here. Take all the time you need”

It was also Vict who yanked on his arm right before letting go so he could give him a peck on the forehead, mindless of whatever audience they had.

“You good?” he asked, and Alex nodded a bit shyly before letting go and following his uncle towards one of the park benches.

He was dismayed to notice his face felt heated and given his fair complexion, he was sure he was visibly blushing something fierce. For the briefest of moments, he’d felt slightly embarrassed at showing any kind of affection between him and his boyfriend in front of his uncle. It wasn’t so much due to the fact Vict was a guy than with the fact this was his _uncle_ , and he’d been gone long before Alex even started considering things like relationships and love. But seeing as Ian was thankfully not making any comments, Alex pushed away those thoughts and focused on the issue at hand.

“What are you doing here?” he asked first because his uncle seemed to be having troubles starting the conversation.

“I wanted to check up on you, see how you were doing”

Alex shrugged. “I’m fine”

“And him?” Ian asked, glancing beyond Alex to where Vict was patiently waiting leaning back against the fountain.

“He’ll live”

Maybe it was the bitterness under the statement or the protectiveness of his tone, but Ian’s usually stoic expression crumbled into something resembling guilt. “I also came here because there’s something we should talk about. Actually, there’re two things and well…”

“What, Ian?”

“Well… I… I realized you were right, I never truly apologized for what I made you go through when you were just fourteen. I told you my reasons and I explained that I never intended for you to be forced into this world at such a young age. But regardless of my intentions, it happened anyway and bad things kept happening to you because of that. I’m sorry, really, and I apologize for everything that happened to Victor too because of my work”

Alex was speechless and the pause in the conversation stretched longer than what any of them felt comfortable with, but Ian didn’t rush him for a response, though he also didn’t seem eager to continue unless Alex gave him one.

“What’s the other thing?” he asked instead of addressing his uncle’s apologies.

“I’m leaving and MI6 won’t be knocking on your door again for as long as I have a say in the matter”

Alex frowned. “You’re making it sound permanent”

“I can’t really control what they do but we’ve come to an agreement and—”

“Not that. About you leaving. You made it sound like you were leaving for good. Why?”

“I… didn’t think you would be too upset about that. At this point your feelings have been made pretty clear”

“What feelings?” the blond’s so far controlled demeanor was starting to slip into something resembling worry. Just what exactly was his uncle talking about?

“You hate me, Al. For what I did to you and for what happened to Jack because of it. I understand. It’s okay” Alex reeled at the thought, mostly because he himself had thought as his uncle did not even a week ago, but his talk with Ben the day after his mental breakdown had shed a lot of light over his conflicted emotions. He realized he hated Ian for a long time until the moment that he didn’t, because he’d never actually stopped loving him.

“I don’t… I don’t hate you. I _love_ you” he clarified and tapped into the knowledge that it was safe, it was healthy, to be upfront about his feelings and not shy away from them, something both he and his uncle had always had in common. “Don’t you get it? Everything that’s happened hurt so bad because you’re my family and I always looked up to you. Before Ben and before the Daniels, even before Jack, it was you and me, and I fucking loved you so much that when you came back I was happy, and I was angry because I was happy. I should hate you Ian, but I don’t. So don’t make it sound like you’re leaving not to come back again”

His uncle’s eyes looked pained then. “You don’t understand, Al. I can’t come back to your life. Look what already happened because of it. As long as there’s a traceable connection between us, you’ll always be in danger from my past and my job”

“What the hell are you saying?”

“MI6 is wiping any and all evidence of our relationship. They’re basically erasing me from your life in order to protect you. No one will ever get to you through your connection to me”

Alex sprung to his feet as if the bench had suddenly caught fire and he stared at his uncle with horror in his eyes. “Are you fucking serious? You can’t do that!”

“It’s the best thing we could ever do for you”

“But this would be like you dying all over again!”

Ian followed him off of the bench and put a hand on his shoulder, squeezing in what he probably thought was a comfortable gesture but was only managing to make Alex’s eyes water with the realization of what he’d be losing.

“Alex, you have a life here, a good life, and you need to think about protecting it”

“But we’re family, they can’t just erase that” Alex brought his own hand up to hold into the one on his shoulder.

“You have a good family here”

"But... Ian..."

"Listen, as long as you and I know the truth, no one can really erase that from us"

But Alex didn’t want to accept it. He’d known going back to the way things were between him and his uncle was impossible after everything that had happened, and yes, he’d been reluctant about letting him back into his life now that he was here, but Alex hadn’t thought about the possibility of losing him again. They were being denied the opportunity to patch things up between them and to maybe, in the future, whoever distant it may be, have a relationship again. This really felt like Ian dying all over again.

"I… I don't want to lose you" he whispered, a first tear breaking the dam and rolling down his cheek.

"Think about what you'll be protecting" Ian made Alex glance back at Victor, who was pointedly not looking at them, giving them as much privacy as he could. Alex grimaced because he knew Ian was right.

When another silent tear appeared on his face, Ian pulled him forward and into a crushing hug.

"Come here" Alex buried his face on his uncle’s shoulder and clung desperately to him, knowing these would be his last few minutes with him. "You will always be my nephew”

The next second, Alex felt Ian slipping something into the pocket of his shorts, the movement quick and hidden from view. It didn’t take long for Alex to recognize the shape of a cellphone, a really ancient one probably only good for calls, which meant it was a burner phone.

Understanding the stealthiness of the gesture, Alex didn’t aknowledge the phone, but he did hear his uncle’s whisper loud and clear right beside his ear. "For emergencies. Life or dead only. No one knows"

Which meant MI6 didn’t know.

Alex nodded and it was the weight of that saving grace that gave him the courage to let go of his uncle and step away from the hug.

Ian gave him one last shoulder squeeze before turning around and heading towards the fountain. Alex sat back down on the bench and stared straight ahead as Ian stopped long enough to say something to Vict before desappearing from his life forever. He didn't even try to wipe the few stray tears still making their way down his cheeks. A minute later, Vict sat down by his side and put a hand on his back.

"What happened?"

"What did he tell you?" Alex asked instead, elbows on his knees and eyes trained on the ground.

"He said to take care of you" Vict answered and he failed to keep the concern out of his voice. "Alex, what happened?"

"He came to say goodbye. He... he's gone. He's gone again, for good"

"Oh" was all Vict said and then he pulled Alex closer to him and gathered him in his arms.

Alex wasn't sobbing, but he was silently weeping away a strange sense of _déjà vu_ where he was mourning for his uncle all over again. This time though, it was different. This time he wasn't alone, this time he allowed himself the luxury of accepting Vict's comforting presence and ministrations. A hand kept running soothingly through his hair while Alex relished in the certainty that he didn't have to hide his feelings from the other boy. In fact, there was absolutely nothing else to hide from him anymore and the liberating feeling that came with that knowledge was almost enough to forget how strong this grieving wave actually was. Almost.

But the weight of the burner phone in his pocket came a long way into helping him gather his composure enough to stop the tears and clear his throat.

_As long as you and I know the truth, no one can really erase that from us._

Things were going to be okay because he had everything that mattered right there with him, at his side and in his pocket.

"What are you doing later today?" Vict asked after a while.

Alex’s eyes were now dry if a bit red rimmed. "Lunch with Ben. Then I don't know. Nothing I guess"

"I could come over? Bring dinner? We could probably make Ben sit through a whole movie and everything if we bribe him with Chinesse food"

Despite himself, Alex laughed. “Yeah, I’d like that”

“Come on then, I’ll walk you home”

They walked hand in hand towards his building and Alex was reminded of the first few times Vict had walked him home when they’d first met. He remembered the uncertainty, the doubts, the fear. He also remembered the excitement and the butterflies in his stomach making him both sick and ecstatic at the same time. Now, all he could feel was comfort and the warm presence of a hand fitting perfectly into his own.

When they got to the entrance, Alex stood on the first step of the stairs so he would be eyelevel with Vict and leaned forward to kiss his boyfriend silly.

“I love you” he said, free and happy to do so.

“I love you too. See you tonight”

“See ya”

With one final kiss, the boys parted ways to start counting the hours until it was time to be together again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And yes… that’s the end… for now.  
> Remember when I said some chapters ago that I had TONS of oneshots already planned for this series? They main storyline may have come to an end, but there are still things about Alex’s and Vict’s relationship that I would like to explore. All the oneshots will all go under the fic tittled: Knowing Better: Oneshots.  
> There’s already a oneshot written and as soon as I finished editing, it’ll go up to the site. Maybe tonight or tomorrow?
> 
> For these oneshots, I’ll be taking requests so make sure to message me or write a review asking for whatever specific scene you would like to read. I will always do my best to comply.
> 
> That being said, I thank you all again for your continued support and I hope to see you all through the oneshots to come. I’d love to see what you guys thought of this chapter and the story in general so leave me a comment and you’ll forever have my gratitude.
> 
> Until next time! – R.


End file.
